Sirens

- Glennon from the shotgun... - Win it.

- No! Interception! - Falcon ball!

God!

That is the third turnover this game,

And Glennon is not impressing his coaches at this point.

- Ugh. - Interception, one fumble.

The ball is turned over for the third time...

What?

From the couch, crouched,

face almost to the floor, sandwich in my right hand,

flicked the pickle into the trash can, swish, no plastic.

- Hmm, crouched? - Crouched.

You know what the most impressive thing about that is?

- The distance. - No.

The fact that you didn't eat the pickle slice when it fell on the floor.

Call me back after you hit three in a row.

Hey, what's the score on the Atlanta-Tampa bay game?

That shitty helmets 17, shit tier helmets in pewter pants 3.

The buccaneers are the worst.

If they got a gay player on Tampa Bay,

he ain't coming out of the closet

till he gets traded to a team with better uniforms.

Yeah, this game's over.

Back to the National Spelling Bee.

Your word is "Elucubrate."

Shit.

Ask for a definition, kid.

- Definition, please. - Good girl.

"To work out with great difficulty."

- What, like in the gym? - No, asshole.

In literature, to create a great literary work.

10 bucks says there's a "K".

- There's no "K". - 10 bucks.

You're on, bitch.

Elucubrate.

E-L-U-C...

U-B-R-A-T-E.

- Correct. - Bah, no way that kid's nine.

Mm-hmm, you know what else don't have a "K"?

"Cash". You owe me 10 bucks.

Ohh.

Who's that?

- It's Theresa. - Uh-oh.

- What'd you do this time? - I don't know.

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Whew, call me back. Godspeed.

Is everything okay?

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mmm.

Oh, you're drunk.

Yep.

Come here.

Oh. Well, I... I can't do that.

I'd be taking advantage of you.

- That is the whole point. - God.

Um... I'm trying to elucubrate

the right thing to do here.

Elucu... what?

...brate.

I must be drunker than I thought.

Okay, let's do this.

How many, um, drinks did you have?

- Mm. Four gin and tonics... - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And a little, tasty, red thing.

Okay, five drinks. Five drinks.

Well, calculating your body weight,

I'll need six drinks to catch up, right?

- Okay. - Right.

Six shots to catch up.

Shots, shots, shots, shots.

Yeah, okay.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

Yes.

- Get it. - One. Keep going.

You'll get it off. I trust you.

Yep, kick it. Just keep kicking it.

You'll get it. There you go.

- Be careful. - Oh, oh, whoa!

Ow. Might need seven.

I found a dollar under your couch.

Oh, it's a tip.

Thanks.

I found another dollar.

It's your lucky day, huh?

Okay. Oh, where you going? Slow down.

- Hey, Dudley Moore. - No.

- Ooh. - No!

We gotta go to work.

On a scale of one to Dean Martin,

how drunk was I last night?

Um, two.

- Two Dean Martins. - Oy.

Uh-huh.

So the sex?

Yeah.

- It was fun. - Yeah, it was.

- And I was thinking... - Uh-oh.

- It could be fun again. - You mean, like, right now?

No, right now my head is a jackhammer.

- Okay. - Look.

- We are both busy. - Mmhmm.

We both have needs.

I miss you. You miss me.

- Mm-hmm. - So what do you say?

You want to have sex sometimes?

Uh, w...

So...

- What do you mean? - Sex.

Just sex, you know, like, a couple times a week.

- Really? - Yeah.

I... you want to just have sex

with me a couple times a week

without any of the relationship-y stuff?

Is that what you're proposing?

Yeah. It's exactly what I am proposing.

Uh...

- What? - Nothing.

- You don't think I can do this. - I didn't say that.

- But I don't think... - I can do this.

I don't think you can do this.

No dating, no dinners, no long talks

or texting after, no staying over.

We just get together,

have a blast a couple of times a week.

It doesn't even mean anything.

It doesn't mean we're getting back together.

I mean, it doesn't mean we're not getting back together.

It's just pure, raw animal desire.

What?

I mean, this is every guy's fantasy.

A gorgeous girl wants to hook up without any attachments.

Well...

I'm in.

- Cool. - Cool.

Clink on it.

Cool.

Both: Okay. - Well, here we go.

- Here we do it. - Okay.

We're doing it.

- You just have a... - We're gonna do it.

Never mind.

Just 'cause you clinked on it doesn't mean shit.

I don't know, clinking can be

pretty serious stuff when it comes to girls.

- Thank you, Brian. - I clinked on a bet

with my cousin Magda once... Yeah?

Ended up taking her to four different weddings.

And believe me, it was not like the movie.

So you don't think that two people

can have sex that's just sex?

No, I think two people can do it.

I've seen four or five people do it at the same time.

- I don't think you can do it. - No, Seinfeld did it.

No, he didn't... that was the point of the episode.

Hey, who do you think we'd be, huh?

You'd be Jerry, of course.

- You'd be George... - What?

And I'd be Kramer and Elaine.

I don't get why you get to be Elaine.

I'm a much better Elaine.

- Hey, where's the patient? - Oh, hello.

Actually, before you guys come in here,

can I just find out your disclosure policy?

I think we're owed that.

What?

Answer m*** these questions three.

Okay, boys, looks like we have ourselves a wizard.

No, no. Okay, listen.

You guys, do we have doctor-patient confidentiality?

Hey, relax. We're not cops.

We're just here to help you guys.

Mm, you have answered correctly.

Do you grant us safe passage?

- Oh, Brian, come on. - That's good, okay.

- Sorry. - We were told that someone

was struck by some sort of sporting equipment.

Oh, not struck, bro, impaled.

He got stuck by his own jart.

- He self-jarted. - The man self-jarted.

- Ooh. -

This couldn't be our customer right here,

could it?

See what happens when people get drunk?

They do stupid shit That they'll regret later on.

All right, guy, let's take a look.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, how are you? - Good.

Got an alcohol-related injury.

Patient has what appears to be

a lawn dart lodged in his back.

Obvious case of L.M.C.

- L.M.C.? - Low marble count.

That is awesome.

That is awesome.

I thought they outlawed these things in the '80s.

Oh, yeah. We're, like, totally off the grid.

None of this is happening, man.