Chozen

2014.

Nothin' left to prove.

Y'all can't hate what you wish was you. Let's go.

# poison is rad masses' stereo #

Phanto. What.

2014. Yeah.

I win. You lose. No contest.

Hey, Mo. Why you trippin'

on these multicultural non-professionals?

Them dudes don't matter.

Let me tell you what don't matter.

Spelling words right in texts.

Whether you eat sea salt or regular.

How Barry from storage wars gets paid.

But this? This matters.

Who... who are those guys?

They ghosts, but they ain't dead yet.

1x03 - "Beef"

Mm. Yes.

And you know this.

Welcome back to our safe place,

where everyone's equal, and equal is everyone.

Guys, let's get started.

Oh. Yo, is this the place where the dick at?

Don't get your hopes up. Nothin' but wall-to-wall prudes.

Yuck.

I know. I've been coming here for three weeks

and haven't had a single hard-on.

Oh. Damn girl. You packin' dong too?

Man, that tuck game is tight. Respect.

- I'm Bobbi. With an "I." - Chozen. With a "ozen."

Tonight's topic... the media

and their portrayal of gay men as shallow,

over-sexed deviants with no respect for family values.

Oh, I knew I came to the right spot.

Hey, everybody. When we startin' this orgee?

- You're new, aren't you? - Oh, y'all gonna jump me in or something?

- I assume you're a student? - Why, yes, my name is... Tracy Cullens.

What? Dudes can't be called Tracy?

I mean, that's some intolerant business, ya ignorant bitch.

What happened to the safe place?

Yo, hold up, I gotta take this.

What up, Tracy?

This an other Tracy. Proceed.

Your parole officer called. She moved your appointment up an hour.

Dang. Good lookin' out.

How's the meeting going?

Man, there ain't one bangable dude up in this piece.

Well, except for this one guy with the hat.

Oh, no. Scratch that. He got white-trash eyes.

Man, what you looking at, sparrow-man?

Mr. Cullens.

- Phillip Cullens? - Yeah. But you can call me...

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - That's just like Phil Collins!

You know what I feel comin' in the air tonight?

You pronouncing my name wrong a bunch.

- Just call me Chozen. - Okay, Chozen.

The first thing we gots to do is get you a J-O-B.

A jack-off boy? Yo got all this here too?

Nasty. I'm talking 'bout a job.

Oh, I got that work. I'm a rapper.

Oh, "rapper", huh? I know how y'all get down.

Got but one thing on y'all dirty thug minds.

Make the ass clap. Tell me I'm wrong.

Ooh, work it, girl. Work it, girl.

Look back at it. Ow.

Yo. I appreciate the butt-cheek control.

Truly. It is excellent.

But your booty ain't makin' shit happen in my dick area.

- Oh, you playin' hard to get. - More like impossible.

We'll see about that, sugar.

This one came in today. Might be a good fit.

"Impresario in the fields of liquor, fashion, and

entertainment seeks team player to join his team of players.

"Love of luxury items, high end cuisine,

and street knowledge a must."

It's like whoever wrote this must've scanned my dreamscape.

Thank you, miss Po-Po. Thank you.

- Call me Tanesha. - Tanesha, fine.

Once again. I see ya titties.

But I am not with it like that.

Hey.

Respect yourself.

Top floor.

- What about you? - Six.

Yo, you happy on six?

Throw some bangs on that shiny-ass melon

and you might make it to seven.

Hey. Respect yo'self.

Oh. No way!

Yo, M.J.'s glove? Yo, a Spike Lee joint.

One of 2 Chainz chains. Oh, snap!

He got two 2 Chainz chains!

Holy mary mother of god.

They got a 20th century popping corn machine.

Man. Who is this guy?

Whoa. Hold up.

Yo, it can't be. Oh, my god.

My new boss... is a huge Phantasm fan!

You trimmed up, chubb rock.

Ten years in the clink did a body good.

Phantasm. Man, it's bad enough

I'm face to face with my mortal enemy,

but what's even worse is you're probably gonna get this job.

- Homeboy's got all your shit. - It is my shit, stupid.

I hope you don't mind having these

hollow-point dispensers pointed at your dome piece.

Man, cut the theatric address. Why am I here?

I've been lookin' for someone to buff my big-ass head,

roll my blunts, and clean up the leopard dumps

when my leopard dumps.

- I thought I'd throw you a quick bone. - You framed my ass!

Get over yourself. I've framed a lot of fools.

It's true. Son of a bitch framed me.

Then gave me the best job I ever had.

Dad, shut the up. Look here, brother.

I can't say I'm proud of everything I did.

But I can say I wanna make things right.

You cannot put a price on a man's dreams.

- I'll pay you $400 a week. - That is a lot of money.

Real talk, can't no one do for you what I can.

I'm a corporation, an icon,

a goddamn energy source.

You want a piece? That's easy.

Just admit I'm the man, and kiss my converse.

Man, I ain't kissing nothing.

And for the record, your rhymes are still corny as hell.

You step in that elevator, and the truth's gonna hit you real quick.

You're like a big-ass encino man. Irrelevant as a two-way pager.

Man, you ain't never gonna do any better than this.

Wrong!

You better watch that ass, 'cause I'm gunning for you.

Try your best, chump.

But never forget, I'll always be one step ahead of you.

When I was in jail, I always liked dudes one step ahead of me.

- Ugh. - This ain't over!

See what we got, okay, we got a "l," that's...

and a "G"... and another "G"... I don't...

these buttons is confus...

Look, I'm just gonna hit "mezzanine"

and then find my way out from there. This ain't over!

Look, I tried to be the bigger man,

but if Phantasm wants a war, he gon' get one.

And I've been dreaming up ways to crush his bitch ass.

Yah! Whah! Gaggada-gaggada whah!

Finish him off!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Hold up. You can't do that.

"No" duh, Crisco. That's why they called "fantasies."

I still can't believe dude offered you a job.

He offered me slavery.

Eh... duh... hey, di... did he ask about us?

I don't know. I stopped listening when he pissed me off.

But as members of my crew, you are de facto caught up in

a rap beef, which by its very nature can be unpredictable.

Is this a "slash your tires" beef, or a "slash your throat" beef?

Could be anything, really. I mean, his boys are strapped.

But you know Phanto. He likes to show off.

Look, players, this is my fight.

If you're here only to bounce I will not stay in your...

- Okay, bye. - Peace out.

Oh. For real?

Let 'em go. I'm with you, brother.

What's the move?

Man, I got it all worked out. Diss tracks.

Youtube videos of me talking trash.

Put some little white dots up next to his face, classic Perez Hilton-style.

- I'm gonna own that fool! - Mm. Kinda soft. Think about it.

What's a celebrity fear the most?

Click, click.

Yeah. How'd a little black bean get mixed in with all these pintos?

- Neighborhood watch. - Babysittin' again?

Always, dawg. Hey, quick. Get in before Tati escapes.

- Yo. Is that a dog leash? - It works for kids too.

Hey, only three more hours. Then it's bedtime, Chooch.

- Make me, pendejo. - Ah, he's a good kid, and shit.

- Man, this Phantasm beef got me shook. - Hey relax, dawg.

We'll just kick it here until it all blows over.

We could watch my new TV. It's high definition and shit.

I don't know why I'm trippin'.

Phantasm's got better things to do than to mess with us.