The Magicians

Previously on "The Magicians..."

I knew The Beast would come.

Get strong, learn fast, any means necessary.

So that's it? That's all you're gonna say to me?

I got into the school and you didn't.

I don't know what else to say.

Marina is a psycho.

You think Brakebills cut you off from magic?

You don't know cut off.

Now the spells are missing so I can keep going.

I want the new ones that she stole.

They're locked in the filing cabinet.

- You are a traveler. - You can move between worlds.

Had the lecture yet on sticking with astral projection?

It works by binding your body to Earth.

Won't make the voices go away, but it might keep you alive.

All I can say is it was some kind of dungeon.

This was in the walls.

Penny, I think you were in Fillory.

You were in Fillory.

- You were in Fillory-- - Stop!

- Okay? Fillory is just a-- - Did you see any animals?

- Did they talk to you? - I was at some dungeon,

you Hobbit-loving freak.

What's wrong with you?

There are no Hobbits in Fillory.

It--It doesn't matter.

Ah, the drawing, the crest, it means that you were

in a certain Fillorian castle.

- Kill me. - It was built by dwarves.

Ah, okay, let's not get caught up in the details.

The--the point is that the--it's full of a--

a ton of incredibly magical shit.

Oh, yeah, The Beast is really fucking magical.

Let me pop back over there

and see if he does birthday parties.

Let's go. It's a waste of time.

I think you should listen to Quentin.

Because I'm assuming you didn't travel to Fillory

on some planned vacation.

So you don't know how to control it yet.

Then educate yourself.

Nobody knows more about Fillory than Quentin.

What if you end up back there again?

She makes a point.

Okay, fanboy.

Tell me what it says in the books

about not getting my face eaten by The Beast.

The Beast isn't in the books.

How's that, if I was right there staring him in the face?

The Chatwins, they mostly get chased around

by this Time Witch, the Watcher Woman.

She plants clocks in trees.

Ah, it's sort of surrealist.

Okay, I take it back. This is a waste of your time.

The books were written for kids,

so maybe they skipped the monster

that rips out people's eyes.

- I don't know! - Okay.

We're done here.

You love Fillory so much, I hope you get to go.

I really do.

I guess I've been trying to convince myself that

Penny's somehow wrong about Fillory

despite having actually been there.

That's a pretty acrobatic form of denial.

I really am sorry.

I'm sure Fillory got you through a lot as a kid.

Yeah.

As a kid...

Sorry, the manager isn't in right now.

Would you like to place an order?

I know you know who I am.

Look, I'm sorry I insulted you guys.

But just who talked to you? Marina? Pete?

I'm going to call the cops.

God, Rick, grow a pair!

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

Please.

I don't know anyone else.

I'm not done with you.

Consider it as a warning.

Julia.

Julia, wait. Just, just, wait.

Marina, okay?

No one wants a war.

Here.

It's about an hour by train.

Went there couple years back.

They're real. They are good.

Just give them a try, but...

Please, don't come back here again.

How'd you learn all this anyway?

Me and a friend got deep into ink spells in high school.

It's not the Mona Lisa, but...

I do have 20/20 vision in the dark.

And where was all this exactly?

I told you.

I'm basically from the 'burbs.

Actually, you never say a damn thing about your life.

'cause it's boring.

What flavor of boring?

My mom died young.

And...

My dad is kind of embarrassing.

He wears Birkenstocks and he sells weed.

But he loves me no matter what kind of trouble I get in.

- That sounds nice. - Yeah.

So, this symbol, it do anything for the mind slut shit?

Yeah, you know, Brakebills is good.

Everyone knows how to pull their blinds down, you know?

Yeah.

I still hear her, though.

That girl from the dungeon...

I can't shut her out.

I just file that under

"Wish there was jack shit I could do about it."

Yeah.

Or were you talking about The Beast?

If I was you, I'd be curious.

He's full-on AWOL, not a peep.

So, I get this,

and I don't poke the bear.

Let's just hope the bear has better shit to do.

Shit, shit, shit.

Hey!

Why are you following me, lady?

Easy. I just want to show you.

I'm just like you.

Hello?

Is someone being creepy on purpose?

Secure the sacrifice!

Oh, God damn it. No!

Oh, Manon!

We offer up this virgin.

Flesh and blood.

Jesus, I'm not a virgin.

Huh.

Life is full of surprises.

What the hell, Margo?

Follow, follow. Hurry, hurry.

Ow. Guys, the pine needles are hurting my feet.

Shh.

Ow, ow.

Hello, first years.

At this appointed hour,

as tradition dictates,

it falls upon the upper class

to administer what is known simply as "The Trials."

The Trials test your ability

to think and act like a Magician.

Pass, your journey begins.

Fail, you flunk out.

This is a test engineered to thin out the herd.

Only those who should will survive.

Oh, nut up, this isn't Harvard.

It requires actual effort.

And don't bother to go complaining to the faculty.

They're off on a luxurious retreat,

observing from a distance.

You are ours, miscreants.

Onward to glory!

Come on. Go!

Go!

- Move, move, move! - Hurry up.

Name, please.

Alice Quinn.

Hmm.

Let me see.

Alice Quinn.

Wow, you're really enjoying this aren't you?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The Trials themselves have the power, Alice.

They will pass or fail you as the Dean created them to.

I merely keep a little eye on each and everyone of you.

Ah, there you are.

Report to the table on your placard.

Good luck.

Next!

Say one word about Fillory and I'll kill you.

Don't get me kicked out.

Well, then we'd finally be even.

Now I get it.

Get what?

Why our team name is "Horny Chupacabras."

I'm not a...

I don't even know what a "chupacabra" is.

It's a spine-covered goat-sucking primate

indigenous to Mexico.

I can already see we are immensely handicapped

by your presence.

In 18th century England,

a secret society known as "The Brethren"

encrypted hundreds of spells to hide them from the church.

You may open your blue books.

Each team must decode and cast their spell by 9:00 a.m.

Screw up,

and it's back to page one.

FYI, this test is pretty much impossible.