M*A*S*H

You look like you just shot the rapids in a Dixie cup.

Go grab some sack time.

I'd love to, sir, but something keeps nagging at me.

Father, did you ever feel

that there was something real important

that you forgot to do?

Once, in the middle of a sermon,

I forgot the words to the 23rd Psalm.

Or was it the 22nd Psalm?

I got kicked out of Texas because I forgot the Alamo.

I wish I could forget my appetite.

I'm so hungry I could eat a powdered horse.

I'll tell you what I forgot.

I left the surgical reports in the scrub room.

I'll get em for you, Hawk.

I was gonna skip breakfast anyway.

I don't have the energy to gag.

I'm gonna go eat.

Any other volunteers for this suicide mission?

Not I. I'm going to dine alone in my tent.

Mildred sent me some Wheatena.

‐(crash) ‐Aah!

Klinger, you idiot!

Oh, boy. Now I remember.

I left the towel hamper blocking the aisle.

You scatterbrained sloth!

Once again, you have proven

that the simplest task is far too complex for you.

‐But‐‐ ‐Don't say "but."

It exhausts half your vocabulary.

Get back in there and finish your job, you goldbrick.

Hold on to your Fruit of the Looms, Major.

Just because you took a header on the hopper

is no reason to chew out the boy.

Give him a break, Chuckie.

He's been busting his butt in the O. R. all night long.

If I performed with the competence of this dromedary,

I would be known in medical circles

as Charles the Ripper.

Since you have proven incapable of functioning by yourself,

I shall supervise. Come, crumb.

Steady there, Major.

Don't you go exceeding my authority.

It's okay, Colonel. He's rotten, but he's right.

I screwed up, and I gotta finish my job.

Uh. Uh.

You know, you gotta give Winchester credit.

Yeah?

He's bright, educated,

and an A1 surgeon.

And with all that, he still found room to be a total jerk.

That's a good little soldier.

Pick them all up and put them into the hamper.

Major, I don't need a towel tutor.

You need a breathing tutor.

And what is this doing here?

Do I detect your fine hand in this too?

Major Houlihan told me to put it there.

Oh, well, I can understand

your misinterpreting her instructions.

She probably gave them to you in words.

This belongs over here.

And how did you manage that one?

It's the generator.

Get away from the autoclave!

Don't tell me what to do, you impertinent‐‐ Aah!

Hey, what's with the lights‐‐

What in blazes? Hunnicutt, you all right?

Oh, boy.

My insides are pure milk shake,

but I seem to be in one piece.

How about them? Are they okay?

You just go back to the Swamp and lay down.

I'll tend to these two.

‐(B.J. groans) ‐You okay?

Uh, miraculously, I believe so.

What happened?

When the generator cut out,

this gizmo must have built up enough pressure

to toss its top.

I might have been killed.

Merciful heavens, Klinger saved my life‐‐

Oh, my God. Klinger. Say it isn't so.

Just let him live. I swear I shall not rest

until my debt to him has been repaid in full.

Your prayers have been answered, Major.

Take it easy, son. Your head hurt?

Ohh! Just where it's hooked to my nose.

‐Let's have a look‐see. ‐Ohh! Ahh!

Max. Max. Thank you. Thank you.

You saved my life. I'll never forget it.

Looks like that blast put the old honker

out of commission, Klinger.

‐Oh, my. Nose broken? ‐Most likely.

First thing we gotta do is have your head X‐rayed,

and let's hope there's nothing more busted than that beak.

Oh, it hurts like hell.

‐Let me help you up here. ‐Nice and slow, son.

Easy, Max. Fear not.

I shall personally see to your well‐being.

‐Are you feeling dizzy? ‐No, no. Just my nose.

Will it look the same?

If that's what you want,

your proboscis will soar majestically as ever before.

Major, your hands are shaking

like a hula dancer with the hiccups.

‐What say I handle this? ‐Uh, perhaps you're right.

Max, we gotta go and get those X‐rays now.

I just hope we have a wide‐angle lens for that schnoz.

‐Ohh! Ohh! ‐Easy. Easy. Easy.

So Charles is fine,

but Klinger has damage to over 50% of his body.

‐He broke his nose. ‐Oh, poor guy.

I'll tell you, I walked in there,

next thing I knew, I'm flat on my back.

Look, Beej, I'm really sorry about this.

Don't worry about it. It's all right.

I just got a hell of a whack on the arm.

‐I'm gonna get you an ice pack. ‐No, it's okay.

Well, just to be on the safe side,

let me give you an insurance exam.

‐No. All I need is some rest. ‐You sure?

‐I'm sure. ‐Okay. If you're sure.

Good night, Mom.

‐There. ‐Here we are, Max. Home, sweet home.

I'm all right, Major. I could've walked.

You might as well enjoy the rickshaw ride, Klinger.

Boy, you sure earned it.

Indeed you did.

Well, Max, here's your beddy‐bye.

Thanks again, Major. I can take it from here.

Nonsense. Do not strain yourself. Here, take my arm.

‐Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. ‐There we are.

Swing your feet.

Here, let me‐‐ let me tuck you in.

There we are. Everything hunky‐dory?

As long as I don't sneeze.

You just take it easy.

I'll see if there's somebody

floating around in the typing pool

we can use as a clerk pro tem.

Perish the thought. The very least I can do

is perform this noble lad's duties

whilst he's on the mend.

Well, that's mighty Samaritan of you, Major,

but I don't see you as the typing type.

Ha! Colonel, you're just saying that

because you think clerking is beneath me.

Well, it is, but I insist.

Hmm. Well, seeing as how it's Klinger 1, Winchester nothing,

I suppose I ought to give you a chance to even the score.

‐Do you take shorthand? ‐Of course not.

‐Do you know the filing system? ‐Bite your tongue.

‐Can you make coffee? ‐In an emergency.

You just left Klinger in the dust. The job is yours.

Remember, my dear Max,

from this moment on, I am at your beck and call.

I appreciate that, Major.

Please, call me Charles.

Now, what can I do for you?

Nothing, Charles. I'm okay.

No, now I insist. Anything you want.

Anything?

Yes, yes. Anything.

Nah, nah. Nah.

No. Now, Max, tell me.

Say it. Say it.

Well, if you're sure it's not too much trouble,

‐a little tea would be nice. ‐Tea?

‐Yeah. ‐Trouble?

If I had to, I would sail to Ceylon.

I'd love a drop of honey.

But, darn, there's probably none here.

Hah! Honey is no object.

I shall milk the finest bees in all Korea.

Well, how about that?

Every broken nose has a silver lining.

‐How are you feeling? ‐Huh?

Don't tell me you've been here all this time.

No, of course not. I did lots of stuff.

I paced, I read a magazine,

I went out and got my doctor bag

so I can examine you.

Hawk, I'm okay. If I want an exam,

I'll call for an appointment.

Okay, if you say it's good, it's good.

‐How's the boy? ‐It's not good.

He won't let me examine him.

Can't you command him to present arms and legs

and everything they're attached to?

Sounds sensible to me.

What's next? Did I eat my vegetables?

Look, this is me walking, talking, drinking,

as in alive and well.

I came through without a scratch. I'm fine.

So here's to my perfectly good health.

Okay, so it's a little sore.

Hunnicutt, I think we should take some pictures of that arm

and get the inside story.

Colonel, I'm a little shaky. Wouldn't you be?