Perfect Harmony

You have terrible taste, Jean.

Had.

You married a huge jerk who didn't deserve you,

and then you died.

Another... poor choice,

leaving me alone in Kentucky.

If there is a reason for me to keep on living,

y-you have to... send me a sign.

Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This will not be the last thing that I hear on Earth.

This is unacceptable.

which ruins the listening experience.

Diet Vin Diesel, stand up straight

so we can hear you.

Porno Mister Rogers, do you have a bug in your ear?

- No. - Then don't do that.

Whitney Houston, we have a problem.

Your confidence exceeds your talents.

Snake Tattoo, George Frideric Handel

didn't know anyone named Hal.

What?

It's Hall-lay-loo-ya!

Open vowels.

You've heard of vowels.

They're the things that Pat Sajak makes you pay for.

Oh, dang. He didn't get to finish.

Hallelujah.

_

Is this hell?

I guess I had that coming.

That was quite a bender you were on, Art.

It's Arthur. How do you know my name?

We looked through your wallet

after we wrestled your pants off.

You peed so much.

Now you put up quite a fight. Luckily, I'm huge.

I shouldn't be here. I'm gonna get my pants and go.

Wait. We're getting ready for a choir competition.

- We need your help. - Yeah.

Just think of it as community service.

This is my wife's community, not mine, and I'm retired.

"Arthur Cochran, chair of Princeton's music department,

"also known for throwing chairs,

resigned after a wave of student complaints."

This is a generation of delicate snowflakes

and terrible chair duckers.

Just give us 20 minutes.

It'll be that long before your pants are dry.

All right. Step in. Let's get this over with.

One-time music lesson. Posture is everything.

Neck back, head forward and up.

Imagine there is a string coming out of the top

of your head and you're... It's imaginary...

And your body is dangling like a puppet.

Like Pinocchio,

or as my father-slash-homeroom teacher called it,

- "Lying Child Gets What He Deserves." - What does he...

Reverend Jax was raised by missionaries.

His family watched American movies,

but they gave 'em all new titles

to teach moral lessons.

Yeah, he's seen every movie Tom Hanks made.

He's so good in "Don't Get Aids."

Great, I'm glad you're getting the word out on that.

Let's try a chord.

Close your eyes.

Singing is about being so utterly in sync

that you don't know where one person ends

and the other begins.

So we will inhale together and on the exhale, we...

Holy crap, that's black magic!

I knew it was real. This guy's the devil.

This is awesome!

Look, I got chicken skin.

It's a sign you were sent here to help us.

No, I don't believe in signs.

Hey! Don't tow that!

Hey! Hey!

No, that's... that's my car!

That's my car. Ow... hot!

- Ouch, ow! - You don't believe in signs?

Well, what about the one that says,

"No parking, tow zone"?

I didn't think it'd be my problem.

I thought they'd be harvesting my organs by now.

Well, since you still have your stomach,

wanna fill it with a biscuit?

That's toast.

"Whitney Houston" ran out of biscuits.

Here, take mine.

It'd be a sin to leave the Moonbow

without tasting one of those.

You're giving me your biscuit?

What are you selling?

God's love, but that's free.

So I guess it's on the house, friend.

You're wasting your time.

Well, Ginny, you and your son have an open invitation

to join my flock.

Thank you, Pastor, but our lives have been through

- enough changes already. - Darn it.

Son of a bee!

Cash!

Good job watching your language.

He got suspended for cussing out

his teacher at school, so we're practicing new words

to express frustration.

Ginny, we could use that beautiful voice of yours

in the choral competition.

You don't need me.

Like your billboard says, you always win.

Well, if you ever change your mind,

Everyone's welcome at the Church of Perpetual Praise.

Hang on. The mega-church off I-75?

My wife wasn't welcome there.

- I don't believe we've met. - My wife grew up here.

Her final wish was to be buried in your cemetery,

but I was told there was no space.

You must be Mr. Cochran.

- Dr... - Dr. Cochran.

- That's right. - I received your seven angry messages

and your colorful suggestions of what to stick where.

But you're still able to walk so I guess you didn't take 'em.

I hope you find God,

because if you think it's hot in Kentucky...

That's the guy whose choir wins every year?

Every year.

Well, not this year.

This year, your choir's gonna win,

'cause I'm gonna help you.

I knew there was goodness in your heart!

I'm doing this out of spite.

God works in mysterious ways.

Ugh.

I'm very excited to properly introduce to you

Dr. Arthur Cochran,

professor of music at the University of Princeton.

And I know they never make the Final Four,

but outside of basketball,

they're actually considered a good school.

Thank you very much for that wonderful introduction.

Okay, everybody, align your spine.

Matthew McConaugh-snake,

you don't need to puff out your chest

like you're signaling your wife you're ready to mate.

- Ex-wife. - Papers ain't signed yet.

Could I have a quick word?

Wayne is the jealous type.

I think it's best if you just stick to the music

and leave the relationship stuff out of it.

Yeah, it's all intertwined. Take you.

You slouch, which hurts your vocal projection.

It's caused by fear of confrontation,

which is why you stayed married to a man

who is preparing for "wabbit season"

until one day he crosses the line.

Maybe he lost all your money

or let a snake loose in the house.

I can see by your eyes it's both... wow!

So you kicked him out, but now you're worried

it's screwing up the kid,

so you haven't signed the divorce papers.

- Did you read my diary? - I wrote it.

Why would somebody write a song about losing a wrench?

Just take the joy out of it and get it done... let's go.

I don't.

This is as loud as you get? Listen to your speaking voice.

It's like Darth Vader ate Mufasa.

Don't be mean.

Dwayne has a lot of wonderful qualities

that Darth Vader does not have,

like a human face.

It's called honesty. It's how people get better.

Agree to disagree.

Ginny, our son cheats at darts.

Excuse me.

Cash, just let your father win.

Well, you can't stop staring at her.

Why don't you ask her out?

I can't do that to Wayne.

He's always been like a big brother to me.

He gave me all his hand-me-downs

right up till I turned six and hit my growth spurt.

If you can't speak up in real life,

that's your problem.

But in choir, I need to hear you.

Stand up straight.

I want you to imagine that your voice is a tiny ball of light.

Just let it expand.