One of Us Is Lying

...in the hellscape that is high school,

I am going to reveal the truth

about all of you miserable assholes,

just like I did last year,

when I leaked some photos

that got half the basketball team expelled.

You liar!

- Helped a lot of couples see each other

for who they really are.

And of course, I kept you up to date with the who's who

of addicts, anorexics and alcoholics.

Privacy is a thing of the past.

I know everything that went down this summer.

And on Friday night, I'll take down

four of Bayview's biggest offenders.

[Superorganism's "Everybody Wants To Be Famous" playing]

* Staring at the stars *

* My face on every screen *

- And I know Friday is a long way away,

so here's a preview to get you through the week.

Oh, perfect timing.

Hope you're hungry. - Not really.

I'll just have some coffee.

- Sure, so you can crash by third period?

It's not like this semester determines whether or not

you get into Yale. -

- You need to feed your brain. Eat.

- Mmm, I can feel my SAT scores going up already.

- Did you see that asshole's already posting?

* *

- Hola, Papa. - Buenos días, mi'jitas.

- First up, I have a bad report card

on a straight-A student making her About That debut.

She might be top of her class, but that doesn't mean

I can't get her thrown out on her ass.

* *

- Ew, can you guys not? We're eating.

- Well, if not for this, you wouldn't exist.

Gross.

Who do you think it's about?

I have no idea.

- * Everybody wants to be famous *

[dance music playing mutedly]

* *

- * I don't doubt myself when I get in my head *

* When I get in my head when I get in my *

* I'm just feeling myself no I don't get stressed *

* No, I don't get stressed no I don't get *

* I don't doubt myself when I get in my head *

* When I get in my head when I get in my *

* I'm just feeling myself *

- Now, I know you school spirit sheep

can't wait to cheer on the Wildcats this year.

But trust me,

I'll be the real winner when I reveal one MVP's

sweaty locker room secret.

* *

Hey, how'd it go?

Good, just four miles.

Kept the pace light. - Good.

Take it easy at practice, okay?

Gotta save that arm for the showcase.

Dad, come on.

I know how to prep for a game.

* *

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Oh, oh, you think that's because you've had

your old man training you your whole life?

What's up? - I mean,

it might have a little something to do with it.

All right, good.

- Listen. Just remember,

next Friday isn't just a game, okay?

It's major league scouts. - Major league scouts.

- The reason we moved cross-country.

All right? Don't forget that.

* *

Cooper.

Yeah, Dad.

I got it.

- * When I get in my head when I get in my *

* I'm just feeling myself no I don't get stressed *

* No I don't get stressed no I don't get *

* Jacket on *

* I took it from your closet *

* I'm hooked on, I'm hooked on *

* The sun feels good on my body *

* Mm, taut and blue, got your jacket on *

* I took it from your closet *

* I'm hooked on, I'm hooked on *

* You *

* *

* I'm hooked on you *

* *

* Hooked on you, wat you gonna do *

* I'ma make a move it's just us two *

- I know you all like a good love story,

but I prefer a bad one.

So I can't wait to tell you

which of Bayview's varsity skank squad

isn't as wrapped around her boyfriend's finger

as much as you might've thought.

Turns out, she's been wrapped around another guy's...

well, you know.

Addy.

Jake's here.

Is that what you're wearing?

What's wrong with it?

- You just gotta work with what you got, babe.

Wouldn't want Jake's eyes wandering, do you?

Hey, Miss P.

- How many times do I have to tell you to call me Ann?

* I'm hooked on you *

* *

* Hooked on you, what you gonna do? *

* I'ma make a move it's just us two *

Damn, Ads.

* *

Yeah?

Yeah.

* *

- - Come here.

* *

- We're gonna be late. - Mm.

* *

- -

We'll be quick.

- Come on, Addy. -

I didn't know we were carpooling.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

TJ crashed his Jeep again.

- You guys, let's go. We're gonna be late.

Girl, I hope he at least made you come.

God, you are such a perv.

I was just finishing my makeup.

Let's see.

Mm-hmm, I love a natural glow.

- I don't get it. - It means they just had sex.

[IDLE's "DAMAGED GOODS" playing]

* *

My final story on Friday

will be about one of my regulars:

Bayview's most eligible felon.

I know, even I've gotten bored

of writing about how everyone wants to fuck a bad boy.

But believe me,

I've got so much fresh dirt,

his probation officer's gonna fuckin' bury him in it.

* *

* Damaged goods *

* *

* Send 'em back *

* *

Hey, babe.

* *

Who the fuck are you? - Oh, my God.

Study buddy.

* Your kiss so sweet *

- Babe, wait. Seriously, I can explain.

* Your sweat so sour *

Just wait!

- * Sometimes I'm thinking that I love you *

* *

* But I know it's only lust *

* *

* The change will do you good *

- I know that coming back to school sucks,

but I'm here to promise that it will not be boring.

- May I have your attention please?

Will John Staddon

please report to the principal's office?

This place is such a cliché.

It's like everyone's here to audition

for the reboot of a John Hughes movie.

- Except none of them even know who John Hughes is.

That's the most tragic part.

They don't recognize the historic forces

that have conspired to make them

exactly who they are.

[The Universals' "New Generation" playing]

- You guys had better be coming to my party on Friday.

It's gonna be sick.

- I'll be there. - You will.

- I got you. - And you?

* *

- * Everybody now is doing their thing *

- Oh, damn! - Nice.

- * Everything is now so do it if you can *

* *

How is it only fifth period,

and I'm already completely stressed?

- Because we're taking all AP classes.

Uh, excuse me.

- What? - I'll have a grape of yours.

You can have a grape.

* *

- What the fuck, Nate? - What?

- You totally left me on read this morning.