2 Broke Girls

Max! Caroline!

Look, here comes Han carrying an iPad Mini.

Or is it an iPad carrying a mini Han?

Han has a mini iPad?

We can't even afford a maxi pad .

I am so upset. I'm stuck in a lie.

Well, it's better than the time you got stuck in that backpack.

Seriously, you guys. I'm in trouble.

I just opened this email, and my mother is coming to visit.

You have a mother?

I thought you came to life after a kid in a toy store made a wish.

Han, your mother's coming all the way from Korea to see you.

- Isn't that great news? - Is this the face of great news?

See, my mother thinks I have a girlfriend.

My father still thinks I wasn't in the car

when my friend hit that grifter in the Hamptons.

She thinks I have a girlfriend because I might have told her I did.

Did you or didn't you?

I-I might have.

And I might have sent my mother pictures of someone

and told her that she was the woman I'm dating.

Han, you might have catfished your mom?

I might have.

Catfishing... Right.

That's when you pick up a woman in a bar,

and when you get her in the light,

you realize she has whiskers.

P.S.... Doesn't bother me.

No, catfishing is when you pretend

to be someone you're not on the Internet.

You know, like everyone on the Internet.

All my mother wants is for me to be happily married like my father and her.

All my mother wants is a cure for hep-C.

Look, here she is.

"Korean beauty June Kim, aka Sapphire"?

Han, you chose a prostitute?

She's not a prostitute. She has a website.

Yeah, and I know a guy with business cards

whose "job" it is to relax your rectum.

It says she's an exotic dancer at this gentlemen's club in Manhattan.

So just go there and hire the hooker to pretend to be your girlfriend.

And there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

I tried, but the bouncer told me to wait in the alley

for my mother like all the other children.

So I was hoping you guys could go for me.

Han, we are not doing that.

Strip clubs, lies... That's not my scene.

That's not your "scene"?

You have a scene?

What is your scene, Caroline? I haven't seen your scene.

In fact, you haven't seen your scene in two years.

Trust me, this is your scene now.

Oh, I understand.

Just one question...

Did I or did I not let you have the cupcake window rent-free?

Wow, Han. That's a cheap shot.

Low, bitchy... I respect that.

We'll go to the strip club,

but if it's nude, nude, nude, I am leaving, leaving, leaving.

That's the first time Han's ever been able to hold something over someone's head.

Sapphire will be right with you, ladies.

Thank you, my good man.

Give me a 20 from Han. You gotta tip at these places or they'll murder you.

Thanks, doll. You'se twos can have a seat on that couch.

Oh, no. No, thank you.

I'm not catching...

Not catching "Sypha-gonna-titus" today.

Well, if a whore's bath is appropriate anywhere, it's here.

Max, please be professional when she comes in.

No sexual comments.

Considering she's used to walking in on dudes

who have their junk in their hand like a sad present,

I am sure I can manage to not offend her.

I'm just saying that despite where we are,

let's remember, she's a business woman like us.

The chairman of the board is here.

Hi, ladies. You ready for a good time?

Been waitin' my whole life.

Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Caroline Channing, and this is my colleague, Max black.

Yo, how's this gonna work? I don't do two at a time.

So who wants to watch, who wants to ride?

Oh, right.

Neither of us will be riding, per se .

Hold your roll, girl. We're spending a lot of Han's money here.

If I want a ride, I'm getting a ride.

- Um, is it June or Sapphire? - You can call me Paul if you pay me.

June, we're not here for a dance or any of the other things you do

that I don't judge you for because I'm very open-minded.

I've been to Amsterdam.

I'm on camera so I gotta dance for someone or my bosses will fire me.

And then it's back to waiting tables.

Told myself I'd never sink that low again.

Yeah, we say that every day when we get dressed for work.

Okay, sit. Let's do this.

It's fine. I think I got all the stains.

It's official! We've paid Han back.

Um, could you turn the other lights on?

She's allergic to the truth.

So, June, here's the thing. We have this boss.

Yeah, girl, work that.

I'm being encouraging, businesswoman to businesswoman.

Anyway, his name is Han Lee, and see, his mother is coming to visit.

Oh, nice move there.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I wasn't encouraging. Just commenting.

Oh, peek-a-boo, there's your head.

Anyway, he needs a girlfriend,

so he sent his mother pictures of you and said you were his girlfriend.

I think it's her turn.

Oh, uh... The gist is,

he's willing to pay you to pretend to be his girlfriend.

And I'm willing to pay you to show me how to do that with my hips.

Ooh, you would make a great stripper.

I know, I just have a fear of success thing.

Can we turn the music off?

'Cause I'm getting disoriented and, in all honesty, a little turned on.

And I cannot be a latent bisexual with everything else already on my plate.

How much?

Whatever your rate is for sex, but you won't even have to have sex.

- At the most, just kissing. - Kissing is $500.

I love you.

Okay. I can give him the "Girlfriend Experience" package.

He has no girlfriend, no experience, and no package, so that sounds perfect.

Here, Earl, when my mother comes in, pretend you are reading this.

Ooh, the Bible.

You know, I remember when this first came out.

Didn't think it would be a hit.

Earl, we're talking about our lord, Jesus Christ!

So, no sign of mama-say-mama-sah-ma-mama-Han?

I don't know. I don't know what she looks like.

She's here.

Ohm-ma!

Han!

I can't tell if she's a smaller him or if he's a smaller her.

You must be Han's mother.

I'm Earl.

I was just reading the Bible,

'cause when am I not?

Mother, this is Caroline.

Hay-yo!

Caroline, I didn't know you spoke Korean.

I took it as an elective after I mastered Japanese.

I had a hunch Asia was gonna take over the world.

And congratulations, right on track.

Caroline, your Korean is very good.

- And this is Max. - Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lee.

What does that face mean in Korean?

It means zip up your top.

Here, mother, sit. You must be hungry.

I'll get you a menu.

That's weird.

These usually bring joy to the people.

Han Lee, where is your girlfriend?

You'll meet her at dinner tomorrow.

She wanted to be here, but with church and all her work in brain surgery,

she's very busy.

And I thought it was unrealistic

when you had a girlfriend that didn't need an air pump.

Han, what are you thinking? How are you ever going to pull this off?

With the help of my two best friends?

Oh, good. Who are they?

Please, have June come to your apartment and we can brief her.

Well, if it's with you, it's gonna be brief.

Remember, you owe me.

No, Han. At that club, I saw a pregnant wall.

So...

I think we're even.

If I'm here to meet June, why am I blindfolded?

So you can never find your way back to our apartment again.

But I have your address on your work forms.

No, you don't.

Max, I think he can take it off now.

It's been an hour, and we spun him around three times.

Well, someone's been to a flea market.

And it smells like pot in here.

So I smoked up a little before work. I got to. My boss is a real butt munch.

Okay, our call girl is here.