Wilfred

It's time, Ryan.

Time for what?

We gotta get to the Baker Street dog park.

Jellybeans is throwing a party.

Jellybeans? That golden retriever you hate?

Nah, Beans is my boy now!

Say what you want about Beans,

but dude knows how to do it up right.

There might even be a sprinkler.

Shit.

Kristen's on her way over to my house.

I thought she was running a brothel in India.

It's a birthing clinic.

Right, a brothel supply company.

Same difference.

I don't know how I'm gonna face her.

How could I blackmail my own sister?

You also destroyed her marriage,

don't forget that.

I think about it every day.

What I did was despicable. "Was."

You sent that long e-mail apology months ago.

Get over it.

Do you know how long dogs feel guilty?

Five seconds, then we move on.

Where'd you get those glasses?

You like 'em? Beans got a pair a month ago

and he's been snout-deep in puss ever since.

You stole them, didn't you?

Sorry, Ryan. I shouldn't have done that.

I'm not proud of myself. I guess I just...

And... that's enough of that.

See? No more guilt.

Jellybeans! I'm running a bit late, dude,

but I'm definitely gonna show. Is the sprinkler still going?

It's Wilfred.

Wilfred Mueller.

Come on, J-Beans, you remember me, dawg!

What do you mean, no one calls you J-Beans?

I call you J-Beans.

Wait, J-Beans!

Dropped call.

That's her.

Behave.

Sat sri akal!

Hey, welcome back.

Oh.

Jesus, who gets fat in India?

Wow, are you...?

I am. In three months, you'll be an uncle.

Whoa, whoa! Is there a baby in there? A human baby?

No! She can't come in here! Wilfred!

Sat sri akal to you, too, Wilfred.

Um, just make yourself comfortable,

and I'll make us some tea.

Wilfred, come on.

What the hell's gotten into you?

What the hell's gotten into you?

How could you let that Trojan horse into this house?

Trojan horse?

There's a war out there, Ryan.

The war between dogs and babies.

And you brought it to our doorstep.

You're at war with babies? Over what?

Why do any great civilizations go to war?

To see who's cutest.

Through the millennia,

under the unseeing eyes of mankind, we have done battle.

The rivers have run red with blood,

and towers of mutilated corpses have cast shadows

upon entrail-laden battlefields.

It was dogs versus babies,

so it was still pretty cute, but...

So call a truce.

Just take it easy on Kristen.

Take it easy?

Did those babies take it easy

at the massacre on the border of The Canine Cabana

and Norma's Day Care?

So, Dr. Ramos is the father?

Yeah. We realized we loved each other in India.

He flew back early and broke things off with his wife.

Sounds like things are going really well.

Blessings and peace are upon me.

Look, I don't know if you got my e-mail,

but I feel really terrible about what I...

Ksama. What?

Ksama, Ryan. It means "forgiveness."

It's one of the most sacred words in the Hindu culture.

Ksama.

Okay, but I still...

Ksama.

Relax, little baby. I'm cool.

I'm just here to talk.

Look, this war has gone on far too long.

Maybe it's time we end this madness.

I mean, how many babies' faces need to get bitten?

How many dogs' ears need

to be played with not gently enough?

We can do something great here, you and I.

A change, a real change.

I have never felt such a sense of community...

What, what?

Do I have a spare "dikfor"?

What's a dikfor? What's a dikfor?

India was life-changing.

Ha-ha. You think you're cute? This is war.

So, how-how was India?

Were you not listening to anything that I've just said?

Sorry, I got distracted.

That's okay.

Ksama.

I have to pee.

Always have to pee.

She's still mad at me. What are you talking about?

She just ksama'd the shit out of you.

Hey, what are you doing?

Looking for an ultrasound.

I need to know exactly what I'm dealing with here.

"Know your enemy." Sun Tzu.

Give me that.

"Emergency Protective Order.

Stalking."

Wait. This is a restraining order...

from Arturo Ramos?

Here we go.

No Down Syndrome, no spina bifida, no lobster hands.

Jesus, this baby's gonna be goddamn adorable.

I can't believe this.

Nothing she told me about Arturo was true.

So what? That's her problem.

Her problem, my fault.

That's why she's lying to me,

because I betrayed her trust and ruined her life.

I'm the worst brother ever.

Worst brother ever?

Did you ever convince the other siblings

in your litter to eat your runt sister

because she was born with no eyes?

'Cause I did that.

I need to make this up to her. An apology is not enough.

As much as I love India,

it's nice not to have a swarm of insects

trailing my ass out of the bathroom.

Hey, I was gonna ask you,

Arturo just got us a condo in Brentwood,

and he's having the kitchen redone,

but all that construction noise wouldn't be good for the baby.

So, um, could I stay with you a couple days?

I mean, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, no. Sure.

It'll give us a chance to catch up.

Ryan, what are you doing?! Great.

Well, I'll just grab my bags from the rental car.

Actually, maybe you should grab 'em.

Maybe you could also return the rental car tonight?

And pick me up some kale?

Sure.

I'm gonna lie down. Mind if I use your room?

What? All I did was agree

to let my pregnant sister stay with me.

And do you feel better?

Has your guilt been alleviated? No.

Because guilt doesn't go away until you let it go.

It just keeps piling up.

Just like the brave, dead soldiers

at The Battle of Babies R Us Parking Lot.

You're just mad because that baby's gonna take

attention away from you.

Oh, I don't think that's gonna be a problem, Ryan.

I know how to deal with a baby.

This watermelon's delicious, by the way.

I was just reading this study about this girl

who had her dead, parasitic twin's face

embedded in her back.

You should've seen the picture.

Seriously, it looked like it was smiling.

Here, have a bite of this squid taco.

Funny, I'm not hungry anymore.

You've never dated a scientist before, have you?

Nope. And if we're gonna continue seeing each other,

you need to promise to never mention back-faces again.

No deal.

Come on. I really want to kiss you,

but I don't wanna be the only one with squid breath.

Okay. Okay. On three, ready?

One, two, three.

Oh! You didn't eat it.

I have a meeting. But at least now

I know you're not gonna be kissing anyone else.

Oh, yeah, perfect.

It's my sister.

Okay. MythBusters marathon this weekend?

Confirmed.

Hey, Kristen.

You bought the wrong kale.

There's a wrong kale?

The curly leaf is the one with all the B vitamins, but...

it's fine... one day without it won't curve the baby's spine.

What are you doing, Wilfred?!