Mom

Oh, Miley, will you ever settle down?

Mom!

But if you do, don't have children.

- You did it again. - I'm gonna need more.

You used my shampoo

and then left it in my shower empty.

Now I got to wash my hair with dish soap

like an oil-spill duck.

Make sure you get under your wings.

Good morning. What are you doing here?

Okay, I don't even know where to begin.

Tammy?

What's going on? Deal me in!

I have great news!

You guys know how my father killed my mother,

and he went away for life, and I grew up with no family, right?

How is that great?

I get a call today from this woman who's like,

"Is this Tammy Diffendorf?"

And I think it's a telemarketer so I give her a blast

with the old air horn I keep by the phone.

Ooh, I like that. Where do you get one of those?

At the store, Mom, next to the shampoo.

Anyway, it was my aunt!

My long-lost, never-knew-I-had-one aunt!

She didn't know about me either

'cause she cut ties with my family, as family does.

If only.

Her name is "Cookie."

Not short for anything. That's her name.

And she's coming to meet me.

Where's Adam?

- He's sleeping. - Adam!

I have an aunt!

So what do we know about this Cookie anyway?

Only that she's from Santa Fe, she's an interior decorator.

Oh, honey, maybe she can zhuzh this place up a little bit.

You know, just because you say it in a Southern accent

doesn't make it charming.

Bless your heart.

When I was a kid, I used to wish I had a secret relative.

She'd fly in the bedroom window

and take me off to someplace where the rent was paid.

You know, not all surprise relatives are good news.

Next thing you know, they're sleeping on your couch,

they're eating your food,

they're stealing your credit cards.

That was you, Mom.

And was it good news? No.

Was that a knock? I thought I heard a knock.

Oh, you look so pretty!

I know.

Would it have killed you guys to slap on a little rouge?

Honey, relax.

I can't. What if she doesn't like me?

Why wouldn't she like you?

Hello? I'm a convicted felon.

Oh, so is Martha Stewart, and everybody loves her.

Let's just please not talk about my past.

There's a time and a place for that,

and the time is never, and the place is nowhere.

So, you know, don't talk about my past.

Oh, that's her.

Don't talk about my past.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I want to hug you!

I want to hug you!

You are Tammy, aren't you?

- I am! - Yeah. Oh.

Oh. Oh, damn, you hug tight!

You, too.

Come in. Come in, Aunt Cookie. Ooh.

- May I call you "Aunt Cookie"? - Well, of course.

I'm your Aunt Cookie.

Oh.

- This is Christy, Bonnie, - Hi.

Wendy, Marjorie...

- Jill! - Jill. I'm sorry.

I'm a little nervous.

Um, everyone, this is my...

Aunt Cookie!

Look at this... a whole room full of gorgeous women.

My hair usually looks a little bit better,

but, uh, I recently switched to Lemon Joy.

I don't know what that means.

So, how do you all know Tammy?

We don't know.

Bonnie and I were in foster care together.

I got kicked out, became a drug addict,

went to prison, did my time,

but now I live with Marjorie and her cats.

What part of her past weren't we supposed to talk about?

Oh, Tammy.

- Foster care? - Oh.

Oh, it breaks my heart.

Oh, if I'd known you existed, I...

I would have taken you in.

- And you were in foster care, too? - Mm-hmm.

I would have taken you in, also.

Come on. Oh.

Who else had a rough childhood?

Come on.

Voila.

Now you have an open flow

to your entertainment area.

I just... I love it!

Don't you just love it?

I do. It's like a whole new room.

Ooh. Can you zhuzh up our house, too?

She's an interior decorator, not a wizard.

It's good, but there's something...

not quite right.

Oh, yeah, I feel that, too.

- You don't feel anything. - I do, too!

Aha. Wait for it.

Perfect.

- You're a genius. - Well...

You know, when I get my contractor's license,

we could totally work together.

We could call it "Cookie and Milk."

Everyone would have to start calling me "Milk,"

but I think it could work.

Well, as to that...

Or not. Am I going too fast? I'm going too fast.

I've never had an aunt before.

Stupid Tammy! Don't call me "Milk"!

It's not that.

It's not that.

It's just that I don't know how long I'll be able to work.

What are you talking about?

Your aesthetic is timeless.

Oh. Thank you, darling.

Full disclosure.

There is a reason

that I tracked you down.

I need... a kidney.

A kidney?

And there it is.

The doctor said that a family member would be the best match.

So I went on social media to try and track down your mother,

but, an old neighbor wrote

and said she'd passed, but that she had a daughter.

You want my kidney?

"Want" is a strong word.

But I do need it.

- On the one hand, it's her aunt. - Mm-hmm.

- On the other hand, she just met her. - Mm-hmm.

On the other hand, it's someone's life.

- What? - Would you do it for me?

What do you mean?

I'm your mother!

I gave you every organ you have.

I'm just asking for one back.

My tiny kidney would not last a day in you.

It'd be cowering behind your spleen,

searching for your colon, knowing it was the only way out.

Well, for your information,

I would give you any organ of mine.

After what you put them through?

I'd be better off taking a kidney from Gus.

Oh, don't worry. Not yet.

I just don't want anyone taking advantage of Tammy.

And aren't there people who donate organs after they're dead?

Why can't Cookie nab one of those?

She said it's like an eight-year waiting list.

Well, that's on her. She should have gotten on the list sooner.

In fact, we should get ourselves on those lists right now.

You have to be sick first.

- Says who? - Says everybody!

You can't get in line for a kidney when you don't need one.

I disagree.

There's nothing to disagree with.

It's just a fact.

Oh, sweetie.

So naive.

Where would you even put it?

You think this is just for ice cream?

So which way are you leaning?

I don't know. I'm really confused.

This is like the finale of The Bachelorette.

What's she gonna do?

Pick the ex-football player with the mood swings,

or the guy who's only doing the show

to convince his mom he's not gay?

Wow. Won't even give me your pickle.

Tammy, the surgery's really not that scary.

They make one tiny incision and then...

yank out the kidney.

Um, that sounds scary as hell to me. Hard no.

One tiny incision and... yank?

Why couldn't I do that with you?

Then my hoo-ha would have remained pristine.

Oh, yeah, it was a real crystal palace

till I elbowed my way out of there.

Hey, Wendy, can you still live a normal life

with just one kidney?

Like, can I still play Frisbee?

Of course you can.

Right away? Like, the next day?