Archer

Archer.

Code name -- duchess.

Knowfrom berlin to bangkok as

The world's most dangerous spy.

So for us, this is - how you say? -- "A good get."

But not so good for you,

Mr. Archer, because you have information that I want.

And this may be old cliché, but...

...we have ways of making you talk.

What, your little go-kart battery?

Golf cart. Whatever.

Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

Listen here, you little -- son of a bitch!

Now you did it.

What is the point of these simulations...

Crenshaw's arousal?

...if you don't take them seriously?!

How can I?!

Between his lame accent and the go-kart battery.

Golf cart! Shut up.

And speaking of lame, my code name --

Was chosen at random by the isis computer.

Random? It was your dog's name.

Ohh, duchess.

I loved her so much.

That it was creepy and pathetic?

And if you were half as smart as she was --

She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate!

Was she?

Exercise terminated!

All right, that's lunch, then.

Agent performance -- unsatisfactory!

At worst, that was "Needs improvement."

Jesus, archer.

You think this is a game?

No, I think jenga's a game.

What if I'd been real kgb?

I assume you'd be trying to suck a promotion out

Of some russian guy's cock!

Well, maybe I never get omoted..

And never will.

...because my mommy's not the boss!

And maybe you just got your face kicked off!

That is my foot in your face!

Smell the embarrassment!

Mother, did you see that?!

Mother?! Mother?!

Leave a message at the tone.

Uh...tone.

This is four-five-six laundry.

Your srts are ready...for a week.

Good morning.

Hey, you. I'm so hungry.

Just give me five minutes on my backhand, and

We'll see if there's a...

Is that a dog?! Oui.

Is it a dog?! Oui, that is abel

Oh, adorable!

Now get the hell out of here!

But you promised me breakfast!

You want breakfast? Try the diner!

You're obviously into greek!

Get it?

Thank you, ababelard.

It's a short list, woodhouse.

Two things we don't allow in here -- what are the

Dogs and your mother.

That's a very short list, isn't it?

Yes, but... What?

...you were quite, uh,

Insistent thatn exception be made.

No, no, no, because forget the dog rule

Because this pug is aming!

Watch this. Abegard, go.

Do you not hear that?

That's "Puttin' on the ritz," man!

*** Yes, sir.

But I'm not to be trusted, am I?

No, sir, but --

Stop. St up.

I have to go.

But if iind one single dog

Here when I get back, I'll rub

Sandn your dead, little eyes.

Very good, sir.

I also need you to go buy sand.

Yes, sir.

I don't know if they grade it, but...

Coarse.

One entire, whole week we've been calling you.

Highly unprofessional. Rlly?

Because I find your sweatiness unprofessional.

So we have something else in

Common, besides the fact that

Now both of our shirts reek of curry!

And when will y settle your account?!

When will you buy some dress shields?

This is not a dress! Are you serious?!

That's not a dress?!

Oh, god, with the curry again.

This shirt smells like indira gandhi's thong.

Bitte warten sie. Danke.

Bonjour!

Hey, you want to smell something?

Swear to god, mr. Archer, I have h. R. On speed dial!

Shut up.

Hey, krieger, you got to smell this.

Krieger?

Hey, you geeks want to smell something?

Archer, get the hell out!

What is it with you people?

Try to include people in your life, and then you --

Lana! Hey!

Hey, what does this smell like?

Um, like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up

With six months ago!

Oh, my god.

You're amazing! You are amazing,

Sweet stuff.

Want to do it again and put on some interracial porn?

God, it's like my brain's that tree and you're

Those little cookie elves.

Uh, just a second.

No, baby, don't answer that.

I have to. Sorry. It's mother.

Mother, hey. I cannot believe you.

Just a second. No, turn it on.

I-I can do both.

What?

So don't speak to me...

Ever.

And while you're not ever

Speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die!

Oh, real-- after all that h.R. Mediation?!

Really?! Yep!

After all the hard work pam did!

Is that archer? Ah, damn it.

Archer, hey. Go away.

Listen, about your operations account --

Cyril, not now. Yes, now.

Not a good time.

You got some serious discrepancies in your account.

No, cyril.

I'm sure you wouldn't use operational funds for

Personal expenses.

Come on, 22 black! 22 black!

22...

Black! Ass! Son of a bitch!

I -- uh -- not you, giant african man.

I'm -- I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink?

W about this expensive prostitute?

That is a very serious implication, cyril.

Well, so is embezzlement.

Yeah?! Well, so is the fact that you

Some-crazy-how are screwing my ex!

Archer, please. What, is that not

Common kno-- you a know about cyril and lana, right?

Archer!

Of course, because if pam knows, then everybody knows

Because of pam's huge mth. Right, pam?

H.R. Mediations are supposed to be confidential,

Pam, you manatee!

And as for you, cyril, good day, sir!

Hey, wait! What about your...account?

Oh, I get it. Classic misdirection.

No, don't. You're so ugly when you cry.

Mr. Archer! I'm fine.

Is she in, or out eating a baby?

You stood me up again last night!

Last -- oh, yeah!

What happened was, um...

Did you see "Brian's song"?

Same thing pretty much happened.

I helped a guy with cancer.

Look, I'm really sorry, carol,

But I couldn't. It's cheryl!

I know, okay? Cheryl.

So to make it up to you... I'm ready.

Could you buzz me in?

Is that all you have to say?!

Yes.

Now tell me again how -- no, not that part.

Go back. Yes! The pepper!

Ohh! Yes! God! Oh, god!

Ohh! God damn it!

What the hell are you doing?!

What are you doing? I-I-I'm...

For your information, I've just

Been reviewing your operations account.

No. Yes.

No. Yes.

No. Yes!

No! And it makes for fascinating reading.

Let's see.

You turned in an expense report

From berlin, where the german

Desk says you never checked in.

Oh, uh, berlin was -- ditto buenos aires.

Too busy to check in? Yeah.

Or alrey off to monaco?