Miranda

Well, come along then please. Settle. That's it.

Well, good evening to you.

Here we are again in the excitement that is each other's company.

The pleasure is all yours.

Ha-ha! Good one, me.

Now, previously in my life,

Stevie made me go on an Outward Bound Course.

Help!

Someone let me out, I don't like it!

Seriously, I really don't...! Oh, thank you.

I get my own kind of adrenalin kicks, thank you.

MUTTERS EXCITEDLY

DRYER TURNS ON

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

What else happened? Oh, yes, I went clubbing.

Something I'm not prone to.

A night out for me is going in to the garden, coming back,

"Aaah! Home at last."

And I panic conversationally when in too trendy an environment.

So, er...tell me something about yourself.

The other day, I weighed my breasts to see how much they'd cost to post.

Too heavy to go second class, if you know what I mean.

Right. Onwards with the show, team, quickly!

So we can forget what we've just witnessed.

So, pleased with it? It's great, Gary, thanks for your help.

"Oh, Gary, thanks for your help."

I've no idea what it does or how I make it do what it does,

but it looks cool.

It's easy. I'll teach you. It's great cos you can sync all applications with other hardware...

All I'm hearing is... SPEAKS GIBBERISH

MIMICS AWKWARD LAUGHTER

So, do you want a cup of tea, Gary? Yeah, great.

Stevie, what are you doing on the floor, you weird woman?

Sorry, what's that?

You'd like to make me and Gary a cup of tea? That's so sweet.

Fine. Just don't play with the toys.

They're part of the new children's range.

I really want to play with the toys. Do you really want to?

I really want to play with the toys! We can't, we're open.

So? Caterpillar Duck race, hello?

On your marks, get set, go!

I think you'll find I have chosen the superior animal.

This one's got no turning circle, that's why!

Quack, quack, quack!

Oh, those are lovely!

My children would love them.

How old are yours? Sorry?

Well, I hope they're for your kids.

Yeah, be weird if we were just playing.

Very, yes, so, we've...

Got kids...got kids.

What do you have?

Two... Little... Boys.

Had... Two...

Little... Toys.

Aaah, we always do that!

Two boys. Lovely. But exhausting!

Oh, shattered. Yes, you look it.

Ooh, these would be perfect party gifts. Are you local?

Maybe yours are going to the same birthday. What are they called? Uh, Cliff... Richard.

Cliff and Richard.

We're massive fans.

I'm Mandy. M-M-Mary, and this is...

Joseph.

No way!

Well, I will look out for your boys. What's your surname?

Oh...erm...Ri... Rich...

..ards... Richards.

Right. So your sons are Cliff Richards and...?

And Richard Richards. Yeah.

We just thought, life isn't fair, let's teach them that from the off.

Isn't it just that we're massive fans?

That's it, yeah.

# We're all going on a summer holiday. #

# Christmas time Mistletoe and wine

# Children singing Christian rhymes

# Etcetera Etcetera. #

Well, lovely to meet you.

Nice to talk to adults otherwise it's just kids, kids, kids.

Oh, isn't it?

Oh, for a night out! Ooh, a holiday!

I could do so much more before I had children.

I sometimes think, "Mandy, how do have enough time to bring up the kids and run your own business?"

You're a saint. Well, yes, in a way.

But children are worth it, aren't they, Mary?

I always say, until you've brought the gift of life,

you're not complete.

"I'm a saint. I've just given birth.

"I don't even have enough time to eat!

"My ovaries work and I'm so very excited!"

Not very annoying, ovary annoying!

Gary, not very annoying, ovary annoying!

Oi, not very annoying, ovary annoying!

Nothing here, either.

Rude.

My point is, I'm young, I'm free.

Single. Yes, happily so, mother.

I can do anything. I can go reckless, wild.

You've never been wild. OK. So I'm not a clubber.

I don't "large it, big style."

Not unless you're in McDonalds.

Oh, ha-ha! That's very good!

Such fun!

It has to be said, Miranda, you're not cool.

Oh, hello, cool new phone, which I've worked out myself,

plays music, and so is in effect a kind of ghetto blaster.

And what are you listening to at the moment? Let's have a go, shall we?

"My Life" By BILLY JOEL

Billy Joel? Yeah.

You'll be up before you know. You'll all be dancing soon.

You'll love it.

# Got a call from an old friend We used to be real close... #

You'll be feeling it any minute.

Down low, up high! Down low, up really high!

OK, fine. You've made your point.

I'm not cool, but I just want some fun, crazy times, you know?

I'm going to start by getting really drunk.

No!

What? You get regal and angry when you're drunk. Oh, I do not!

Have you had wild times, Penny?

Oh, ho-ho! Don't you know it! I've had...

Such fun.

There was a spa in Malta in the '60s.

Oh, no. Let's just say, clothes weren't an option, so...

BLENDER DROWNS SPEECH

..Nigel Havers, twice.

Unacceptable.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to take off for a few days.

I'm going to pack a back-pack, grab a flight to...Thailand!

For a few days?

Wild! Yeah, that's it!

Well, I'm just off to book my spontaneous trip

because I am one cool, hip chick.

Obviously I'm not going on a spontaneous crazy trip.

I'm no good at travel and even if I did get to an exotic beach location,

not relaxing. Beaches?

Try and put a towel down, immediate gust of wind,

towel in face.

Tuck towel into sand.

Sit down, have an ice lolly, wasp!

Wasp! Stand up to bat wasp away, oh no!

Sand on towel now, flap towel to get rid of sand, sand in face, sand on lolly, wasp, abort, abort!

Right, holiday search. Hotel, England, Surrey.

It's too expensive, it's a bit far...

Oh, hang on, brilliant! The Hamilton Lodge.

I know where that is. La bas.

Round the corner, no travel, no language barrier, book.

And there's no reason to say I'm not going to Thailand. Sssh!

Morning. Morning.

#..has broken Like the first morning

# Blackbirds have spoken Ski-mah-nah-neee. #

How are you? Good.

When are you off? In about 20 minutes, to Thailand.

Will you be all right for a few days?

I'm doing a management course on Friday but your mum's covering.

Morning. Morning. Morning.

I made you a packed lunch for the flight.

Oh, that's lovely! Thank you.

Darling, I won't go as far as proud, but I am genuinely impressed.

You are actually going, what I call, abroad.

It is abroad. Now, remember, if a man drives up to you

saying he's a taxi, get in.

You never know.

Right, Well, I've got a cab booked to the airport so don't hang around.

OK. Bye then. I could have taken you to the airport.

No, don't worry about it.

I would've given you a lift. My car's outside. You should've asked. Save the money I'll take you.

My car's just outside. Seriously. Cancel the taxi, go with Gary.

I don't want to go the airport with any of you. The idea is disgusting.

Somebody order a cab to The Ha...?

To the, um...

the ha...airport, yes.

Best job I've had in a while!

Right, I need to leave immediately,

because I don't know what's going to happen next.

And this is your room. Oh, lovely.

Look, Thailand!

Yeah, and you have to stay in this dive, wishing you were there.

Like a form of torture.

Or you can look at it, imagine you're there, without the hassle of going.

You like that idea, don't you?

Right. Fridge, bathroom, bed...

Ooh, we've only just met!

Just a little joke.

Thank you.

Always a bit nervous around youth.

I love a hotel room!

Don't you love a hotel room?

I love a hotel room!

You know clean sheet night at home,

when it feels like a delicious new bed?

Every night in a hotel.

And sometimes the sheets feel a bit crisp and cold, don't they?

So you do the warming-up-bed dance.

Forgot to say, breakfast from seven till ten.

Great, thanks.

And that bed is... Yep, it's fine.

Oh, this is always funny in a hotel room, isn't it?

"Where's my head gone?