MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Do you realize that you are singing...

two entirely different operas, and they are both out of tune?

Don't blame me. I didn't write this stuff. As you were.

I'm always as I were, but thanks anyway.

I need a volunteer for a business trip.

I haven't volunteered since my draft board...

tied me up in a gunnysack and sent me over here.

The 8063rd is all agog...

over our arterial transplant technique.

And "gog" they should. We're fantastic.

You know, what you need is a humility transplant.

‐ Unfortunately, you'll never be a donor. ‐ How unkind.

They heard we know how to save a leg when the artery's destroyed,

and the C. O. up there begged me to send him my best surgeon...

to demonstrate the technique. Oh, now really, Colonel.

I'm far too busy to go traipsing over to every MASH unit...

that's too lazy to read a paper on the subject.

You just powder your buns, Major. I'm sending Pierce.

I thought you said "volunteers."

‐ I was breaking it to you gently. ‐ Why me?

Indeed, why him? Yeah, why him?

Because he's done dozens of them. My goodness, but you boys are competitive.

Hurry up in there! Your time was up ten minutes ago!

You leave in the morning at 0800, so pack up your old kit bag...

and, uh, give us a little smile.

I'm not so sure I love this. And pick a nurse to go with you.

I'm not so sure I hate it either.

Will you hurry up in here? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ladies, ladies.

Before you go in there and scrape off your current layer of Korea,

we have a request for one doctor and one nurse...

to demonstrate arterial transplants at the 8063rd.

Captain Pierce will be the doctor‐‐

And one of you lucky folks will be the nurse.

I need someone who can explain this procedure fast and simple.

Someone with good hands who's about 5'5" with freshly laundered hair...

who does not have a tendency to giggle in the dark.

If you remember, Captain,

I assisted when Dr. Borelli taught you that operation.

Yes, and you were wonderful, Major. Just wonderful.

Could I take a look at your hands?

You're not gonna look at her hands or any other part of her. I'm going with you.

Well, I think a doctor should choose his nurse.

I'm going with him. Period. End of sentence.

‐ Comma. She is in charge of the nurses. ‐ You said it!

Exclamation point.

Let's put it on a volunteer basis. Why don't I go with this volunteer here?

Because this is a nursing staff, not a harem.

Margaret, may I tell you something in short, easy‐to‐understand words?

Tell her tomorrow at 0800. Now, hit the sack.

Now I'm sorry I didn't use all the hot water.

Hurry up. We'll be late. Put them in there, Sabu.

If it please you, Effendi. Why should I be offended?

Is that how you're gonna be dressed? I try to look my best.

You know how jealous those other doctors can be.

Here's a box of sulfa and six cans of fancy cling peaches.

These aren't your puny slices. These are giant half peaches, big as your fist.

I thought we'd stop at a Howard Johnson's. I hate to eat in the car.

This ain't for you, Skeezix. I want you to do a little trading.

See if they've got some penicillin.

Don't take less than 50 vials of penicillin for those peaches.

Here, Major, before you go. You got a letter from Colonel Penobscott.

Thank you. Would you mind standing back?

Why? Is something gonna jump out of it?

I don't want you reading over my shoulder.

What is all this stuff? Lipstick, nylons, perfume‐‐

And a jar of Charles's caviar. You can only get so far with peaches.

Did Charles mind? Didn't say a word. Didn't even wake up.

You be sure and call us when you get there so we'll know you're all right.

Yes, Dad.

Boy, he sure packs a lot in a few sentences. Mind your own business.

‐ Don't do anything I wouldn't do. ‐ What don't you do?

‐ I'll think of something. ‐ Can we go?

He stole my caviar! Bye, folks. We'll write.

He stole my caviar!

Do you have to sing? I didn't bring my tap shoes.

You have a grating voice. Oh, it's just a modest voice.

I never thought of it as great. Grating. Ting, ting.

Hello. What?

It's a game, right? Like knock, knock?

You say, "Ting, ting." I say, "Hello." Okay, go ahead.

Hello?

What's the joke?

The joke is that of all the people I could've driven 40 miles...

into the wilderness with, I had to get an orangutan.

Look, Margaret, why don't we make the best of this?

There's no reason we can't pass the time pleasantly.

Why don't you read me your letter?

Why don't you eat your steering wheel?

Just trying to be friendly.

What are you doing? Getting out of here. What do you think?

Keep moving! You watch how fast I move once I turn around.

Straight ahead! They're not gonna hit anything!

They're hitting the road! You don't call that anything?

What are you gonna do? Go backwards all the way home?

I'm trying to find a place to turn around!

Maybe you're right.

On the other hand‐‐ Are you trying to get us killed?

Get this car in gear and start driving that way!

Maybe you haven't noticed‐‐ They're lobbing shells over there.

Ignore them!

Okay!

I can't hear you anymore. Do you read me?

Tell me if you read me, damn it!

Every other word. Say again.

Not too clear. What's happening? What's the problem?

The 8063rd had to bug out. The North Koreans were so close...

they were practically in their chow line.

What about Hawk and Margaret? Are they with them? I don't know.

All I get now is static. Can you try another frequency?

8063rd, this is MASH 4077. What's happening?

This is 8063rd. Do you copy? Over.

This is 4077. Pierce and Houlihan‐‐ Are they with you?

They never showed up.

Damn it. Why didn't you tell us you were gonna move?

Happened too fast. If they take the same road back,

there's a chance we'll see them.

How big a chance?

‐ You keep trying. I'll get Potter. ‐ They bugged out.

That means we're behind enemy lines.

Let's get out of here. Hurry, will you?

I'm hurrying. Let's go!

We're going! We're going!

Why are you taking this road? Because they're not shelling it.

I try to avoid roads that are in the process of disappearing.

What's that?

Artillery. Don't be such a coward.

That!

Oh, that. Don't pay any attention.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna go into a mild panic.

There's just something wrong with the motor. Get out and fix it.

Oh, okay. Sure. No problem.

I'll have this thing going in no time.

What are you doing? You have to know how to treat these brutes.

I had a stubborn Studebaker once.

The only thing they understand is a good, swift kick in the radiator.

Open... the hood.

That's this, right?

There. It ought to be all downhill from here on.

Probably something very simple, like maybe a broken buckle on the fan belt.

Let me see. I thought you'd never ask.

Maybe the muffler unraveled.

Or... maybe the‐‐

Maybe the radiator cap has snapped its brim.

I tried that already.

Margaret, face it. The patient is dead.

Why don't we pull a sheet over its headlights and move on?

Hey.

Come on.

I hope you're not blaming me for that. How can a grown man...

be so mechanically incompetent?

I take a lot of cabs. Oh! Come on!

Boy, I wouldn't want to be those guys when the colonel finds out his jeep is missing.

Oh! Geez!

Captain, my chief surgeon and my head nurse are lost behind enemy lines.

Don't you think "I" Corps ought to find them?

Tell him you want to talk to the general.

Will you pipe down? Captain, I got the feeling I'm talking to a broken record.

Get me General Roberts.

You're afraid that's impossible?

Try not to be afraid, Captain. You're supposed to be a soldier.

When he comes in, I would really appreciate...

a little jingle on the talking machine.

How can they let them wander around behind enemy lines...

without lifting a finger to help them?

They're expecting some action in this area and don't want to send up a spotter plane...

for fear it'll tip off the enemy. Ridiculous! I don't accept that!

What are you getting mad at me for? I'm just delivering the message.

What did you do the day you were drafted? Shoot the Western Union boy?

First I tipped him. Look, I want somebody to find them.

So do I! I want somebody to start looking right now!

Stop dogging me, will ya? Heel! Heel!

Will you stop that?

That's a Civil War marching song. Not another idiotic note!

I was just trying to be military.

You know, you shouldn't read while you walk. It makes you grunt.

Butt out, you‐‐ you‐‐

You can't even fix a simple case of engine trouble.

What kind of a man are you? Certainly not a serviceman.

In more ways than one. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Where are you going? There's a YMCA over here.

Let's see if we can check in for the night.

Act like you got a mustache.

Cute.

This place is a handyman's delight.

A real fixer‐upper.

I'm not staying in here. It's a perfect target.

Margaret, some forward observer's probably using this hut as a registration point.

He's not gonna destroy his own benchmark. That's right.

I didn't know you knew anything military.

I learned it at the movies. Abbott and Costello Meet Hitler.

I just don't want to walk around out there while it's raining artillery shells.

Margaret, stay where you are. I'll be back in a minute.

You're not going out there. Hard to believe, isn't it?

You just said it was raining artillery shells.