All in the Family

¶ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ¶

¶ songs that made the hit parade ¶

¶ guys like us we had it made ¶

¶ those were the days ¶

¶ and you knew where you were then ¶

¶ girls were girls and men were men ¶

¶ mister, we could use a man ¶

¶ like Herbert hoover again ¶

¶ didn't need no welfare state ¶

¶ everybody pulled his weight ¶

¶ gee, our old lasalle ran great ¶

¶ those were the days ¶

mom? Hi. We're home.

Daddy? Daddy, you upstairs? Anybody home?

Ma, you in the kitchen?

That's funny. Sunday afternoon, nobody's home.

- You know what that means? - No. What?

We got the whole house to ourselves.

Michael, no.

Michael, yes.

Come here! Come here! No, Michael. No.

Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.

We go up to tree house.

Oh, boy. Jane putting on weight.

No, Tarzan. I lost five pounds.

I think I found it. Come. We go.

Gloria! What happened? Did you hurt your foot?

Oh. Hi, ma. No. How are you?

Hi.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, uh, no. No, ma. That's, uh, that's all right.

Where you been? I had a special meeting at the church.

We had a cake sale. Guess what I got.

Uh, a cake.

You guessed right away.

They had so many delicious things. Oh. Hey, can I have a piece?

Oh, sure. Get a knife and some plates, Gloria.

We made $102 for a worthy cause.

Yeah? What cause was that?

I don't know. That's what the next meeting is about.

Where's Archie? How come he's not home watching the big football game?

I guess he's still at the launderette.

You got daddy to go to the launderette? How'd you do that?

I just asked him. And he said yes?

Yeah. Right after he stopped yelling and kicking the laundry bag.

All right, now listen to me, all of youse.

See what I'm doin' here? I'm lockin' the door. And youse all keep it locked.

Archie! What's goin' on? What happened?

Dummy up. Dummy up now and I'll tell you.

That arab laundryman Joe girgis is gonna be comin' over here after me.

And when he comes, we got to make like there's nobody home, see?

And from now on, Edith, don't you set foot in his launderette no more.

I don't care what it costs, go to the chinks.

But don't go near that arab again.

Not unless you got a dirty camel to wash.

I'm gonna sue that Egyptian phony.

Arch. Arch. He's not an Egyptian. He's a Syrian.

It's the same thing! They're born pirates, all of them!

Here, look at this here laundry.

It's in shreds, every piece of it there. Archie, what happened?

I took it into his place and I stuck it in one of them machines.

I turned it on, the machine busts wide open, there's a flood all over.

I run for my life. I go down on one knee and look at that.

My brand-new Sunday pants there, tore 'em wide open.

I hurt my knee too. Oh, no. I'm gonna sue that guy.

First thing in the morning, I'm gonna get myself a good Jew lawyer.

Archie, do you always have to label people?

Why can't you just get a lawyer? Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?

'Cause when I'm gonna sue an arab, I'm gonna get a guy that's full of hate.

Archie, look at this.

You must have forgot to separate the coloreds from the whites.

Archie forget to separate the coloreds from the whites?

Button your face.

Look, arch, I know you're upset, but what do you want to sue him for?

Why don't you talk to him first?

I tried that. How you gonna talk to a guy...

Who's screamin' and cryin' at the same time?

I mean cryin'. I mean real tears.

He's standing there. They're comin' out of him like a geyser.

Yeah. Mr. girgis cries a lot.

They're all that way, them arabs. It's in their blood, that wailin'.

- What are you talking about? - You never heard that?

Why do you think those people got the wailin' wall?

Archie, it's the Jewish people who go to the wailing wall.

That's only on one side of it, smart guy.

Who do you think is wailin' on the other side?

By the way, where was youse two when all that laundry had to be took?

I went down to the library. I had to look up a few things. And I was helping him.

What was you doin', readin' to him, huh?

Funny. Very funny. I'm doing a paper on the supreme court.

What's more important-- your dirty laundry or the supreme court?

The way Nixon's filling it, what's the difference?

Don't talk to me! Archie, can I get you some lunch?

Is it lunchtime already? Look, it's after 1:00.

I'm missin' the whole football game. Get away from me, all of you!

I'd better see if there's anything in this we can save.

Gloria, will you help me? Oh, sure.

Go on, the two of youse. Count up all that damage there,

'cause I'm gonna sue that arab through the nose.

And remember, Edith, all them clothes is practically new.

Ladies and gentlemen, our national anthem.

Good. The national anthem. That means they ain't started yet.

We're in luck. ¶ oh, say can you see ¶

¶ by the dawn's early light ¶

that is one terrible song.

Don't start up nothin' with me, meathead. I'm watchin' the game.

That's a beautiful song and shut your face.

Arch, the song glorifies war.

And even as a song, it stinks. Nobody can remember the words.

You gonna ruin this game for me? Can you remember the words?

Certainly, I can. Come on, give me the first few lines.

Give me that thing. I'll turn it on as soon as you give me the lines.

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light...

What so proudly we hailed, of thee I sing.

Wrong. It ain't wrong.

It is too. "Of thee I sing" is from "my country 'tis of thee."

That's wrong. What are you talking about?

The next line of the "star-spangled banner" is "at the twilight's last gleaming."

"At the twilight's last gleaming" comes after "of thee I sing."

You've just proven my point. Nobody can remember the words because they're rotten words.

Listen. "Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner ye-et wave?"

What kind of word is "ye-et"?

If it's in the national anthem, it's a good word!

"Ye-et"?

Yeah. "Ye-et." I use it all the time. Ye-et. Ye-et.

Now give me "tha-at"!

- What's all the screaming about? - The national anthem.

Oh. Did the singer forget the words again?

I'll get it. Oh, no, no, no. Wait. Don't get nothin'.

I told you. Get away from that door.

It's that arab laundryman Joe girgis.

Now shush. Make like there's nobody home.

I know you're in there, Archie bunker! I see you through the window!

He's seen you through the window, Archie.

Did he, Edith?

Get away from there, girgis! I ain't talkin' to you except through a lawyer!

My name's pronounced "girgis," and I want to talk to you right now!

Get off my stoop or I'll sic the dog on you!

You ain't got a dog, bunker, and you owe me money!

Archie, let him in. The neighbors will hear.

You bet the neighbors will hear! Archie bunker owes me money!

Hey, hey, girgis. Listen, America!

Archie bunker owes me money!

Why, you common, ignorant thing, you.

Why would you yell that way on a Sunday afternoon?

You broke my best machine. It's gonna cost me a good 85 bucks to fix it. Pay me!

Me pay you? Your dumpy machine ruined my laundry! You owe me money.

Edith made it out to worth about 40 or 50, $65 there.

Some of our best haberdashery was in that load, right, Edith?

Oh, yeah. There was six pairs of fruit of the loom shorts--

stifle yourself!

That laundry you ruined was worth a small fortune.

That's right. Eighty-nine cents a pair.

Get over there and eat cake, will you?

You ruined my best washer.

The machine I started my business with. My first top-loader.

Never a day's trouble. Never stopped. Never leaked. Never jammed.

Then along you come with your lousy fruit of the looms and tear the guts out of it.

Oh. Get a load of this here.

There goes the geyser again.

We're gonna have to put down newspaper for this guy.

- Leave the guy alone. - Will you go and help your mother eat cake?

You got some nerve comin' over here and sayin' that about that machine.

That machine was ready for the junk pile.

That machine was a jewel until you overloaded it.

I'm telling the truth, as God is my judge.

God? What God? Allah?

Allah don't cut no ice around here.

What are you talking about? I'm a methodist.

A methodist? Maybe comin' through the immigration you was.

But you started facin' east as soon as you got an apartment.

No, buddy, I'm gonna sue you.

If anybody's gonna sue, it's gonna be me. You ain't got a leg to stand on.

That's what I'm gonna sue you about. Look at that. A hole in my Sunday pants.

Probably a torn "filament" right there in the kneecap.

Oh, no, buddy, I'm gettin' a lawyer after you.

Then I'll get a lawyer too.

Wait a second. You're not gonna use a lawyer for a case like this.

You're gonna have to go to a small-claims court.

You're not gonna be able to do that...

Because you know you guys ain't gonna be able to afford to miss work.

So why don't you settle it yourselves?

You get somebody to act impartial, sort of a referee.

Somebody you both trust. You tell them what happened, let them decide.

That's a good idea. We'll get someone who's fair and honest.

In New York? Oh, geez!

How about the reverend feltcher? He's fair and honest.

That's when he's workin'. We don't know what he does on his off-duty.

Maybe Dr. Evans would come over.

Come on. What do you think, he's Marcus welby? He don't make no house calls.

I got it. I know someone. The lady I'm thinking about is perfect for the job.

Hold it. When you say lady, no dice. Women is out.

Daddy, you're such a male chauvinist.

In this day and age, how can you say that?

Like this here-- no women.

But the lady I'm talkin' about is your wife. Huh?

- Oh, my. - Yeah. You know anybody more honest?

Well, uh-- will you do it, Mrs. bunker?

Oh, no, Mr. girgis. I couldn't do that.

You see, I'm Archie's wife.