Fresh Off the Boat

I'm just... I'm so excited to tell you guys...

Louis, when's it your turn to speak?

I'm on a tight schedule, and I can't waste time

listening to these HOA ladies squawk about "community spirit."

Soon.

And while summering in Tuscany...

You were there for four days. In May.

I noticed the locals

sitting in the piazza all day long,

which inspired the theme for our new median.

Say buon giorno... to Piazza del Eastview.

And it's more than just a traffic diversion.

It is neutral territory for community bonding.

"Community."

I mean, we're gonna have a ribbon-cutting ceremony

- next week and... - Okay, we get it, lady.

Let's move on.

Okay, next item on the agenda,

I believe we have a Louis Huang?

Thanks, son.

Uh, hey everyone.

Many of you know me as the peppy owner

of, uh, Cattleman's Ranch,

the award-winning steakhouse located right off I-4,

uh, now offering a chopped Cobb.

Um, but today, I'd like to reintroduce myself

as Louis Huang, business consultant

and founder of Lou For You Consulting.

- Ugh. - Enh.

Uh, still finding the name.

Uh, after weeks of soul searching,

I found my purpose...

Helping others realize their small-business dreams.

And I'm relying on referrals from people like you...

Well, what kind of profit margins

are we talking about here?

Um, I'm just starting,

so it must be somewhere around zero.

Oof.

What have you done to promote your business?

Uh, well, there's this.

Uh, and an e-commerce conference coming up.

Oh! My mother's Mahjong tournament.

Different ballrooms, same Radisson.

I am so excited for this new chapter of your life, Louis.

What are your Q3 profit projections?

You tied up in assets, or are you free to move?

How robust is your client portfolio?

Uh...

Um, w... Uh...

S... I-I-I-I don't know yet, but, um...

Well, if you don't have any clients,

you're not a real business, Louis.

Get out of here.

Honey, I know it's hard to get out with two little ones,

so I brought you something to nibble on...

Slab of ribs and our famous chopped Cobb.

Thanks, Louis.

I'm always happy to help. It's kinda my thing.

Or it was before Deidre crushed my dreams.

Well, that's kinda Deidre's thing.

That and a Mariah-level cackle.

Well, she very publicly noted

that my new consulting business has no clients and no money.

Technically, we're in the red

since printing these business cards.

This a business card

or an invitation to a really weird party?

Yeah, I haven't landed on a company name.

According to Deidre, I haven't even landed on a company.

Tune her out.

She is just a bottle blonde with low bone density.

- That's easier said than done. - Not really.

I use the same technique for my girls.

When I need a break and they refuse to nap,

I just shut off the baby monitor for a few minutes.

Oh, God. Sorry.

TMI.

No, Jessica and I did the same thing with the boys.

Only we didn't have a baby monitor.

That's how we got hooked on "Mork & Mindy."

More like "Mindy & Mork," if you ask me.

Oh, it is so good to hear

I'm not the only parent who struggles.

I swear, when it's not magical,

it's a waking nightmare.

Oh, there's no middle ground.

It's either nirvana or a sledgehammer to the crotch.

Yes.

I wish more parents would share this kind of thing.

Hey, you should start a web log on Live Diary.

I don't understand any of those words.

It's a new Internet platform I heard about at that conference.

People write posts to share their thoughts anonymously.

Hmm. What I'm hearing is

I can do it while wearing pajamas?

That sounds great.

Ooh, I could call it "TMI:

True Mommy Insights."

That's perfect. I can help.

And now that we're throwing around names,

what do you think about Louniversal Consulting?

I'll leave that to Lou.

I don't get it.

I like hard tacos,

but I can fit more soft tacos in my purse.

What are you guys laughing at?

Is Marvin at it with that stray cat again?

Don't plant berries if you don't want mischievous kitties.

It's opening day for Thanksgiving Turkeys

at the grocery store.

It's already Turkey Tango Time?

The holiday season begins when folks come together

and fight to the death over big, frozen birds.

It was one of the best years yet.

Tie-Dye Tim brought a lasso.

A lasso!

- I can't believe this. - Me, neither.

Tie-Dye Tim told me he wasn't into rope stuff.

The boys and I have never missed a Turkey Tango.

30 people, 15 turkeys.

Something's gotta give.

Ohh, Carol-Joan and Deidre

both have their claws in a 20-pounder.

C-J, use the other hand to slap.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

It is one of my favorite shopping fights of the year.

It's like Thunderdome without the dome.

And with an aisle.

Thunderaisle.

Why wouldn't they invite me?

They are at that age

where you are not interesting to them anymore.

I am also at that age.

No, that's not it.

I've just been so busy lately

with studying and job applications.

They need a reminder that I can be the life of the party.

I don't think you know what a party is.

Ah.

"At the end of the day, children are like silverware.

You don't have to clean them that well...

Just get the food off."

Amazing first post.

And sticking your head in the freezer

to muffle your screams is a great tip.

Because sound doesn't travel through cold air.

Publish it.

And we can track how many people are reading

with the view counter.

One view.

Our first view!

Refresh the page.

- Uh... - Two views. Click again.

Three! You're famous! Oh!

Wait a second. Wait, I think we're ticking up

the view counter.

- Four, five, six. - Oh. Oh.

Maybe we should just log off for a while.

In the meantime, can I run some new company names by you?

Or maybe we c...

Here we go.

_

Okay. Oh.

Sure, it's long, but there's something about

C.S. Louis and the Chronicles of Consulting that feels right.

I think we've waited long enough.

Oh, my God, Louis.

100 views?!

Triple didgies! Honey, you maternal genius!

This is great!

Oh, I'm so glad you encouraged me to do this.

Me too.

See, this is why I started

Stand and DeLOUver Consulting.

Who knew so many people out there

would care about my parenting problems?

Yeah.

It's an untapped market.

There were ones you chose not to say?

I mean, at least Lou Cheese Dressing is a pun.

So, that one?

You fools lace them up?

That's what they want you to do.

Okay!

Who's ready for some fun?

- What's happening? - Oh, no. The gas leak's back again.

I know I've been busy lately,

so I thought I'd set aside one hour of concentrated fun time

for us to spend together.

Say hello...

to the Family Fun Activity Wheel!

Hello, Wheel!

See? Fun.

Is that just a chore wheel

but with "dusting" crossed out

and "roast Grandma" written in?

Oh, we were gonna go to the ribbon cutting ceremony

for the piazza.

Apparently, "piazza" is not "pizza" in Italian,