M*A*S*H

Hey, Hawk. Here we go. Here's a good one.

"How Secure Are You? Question number 1:

Do you become evasive when asked about your true feelings?"

‐Depends what you mean by evasive.

Come on, Hawk. Yes and no answers only.

All right. Yes and no.

That's a yes. Okay, number 2:

"Is being insecure robbing you of personal fulfillment?"

No, it's being in Korea. This is a silly test.

What do you mean? It was developed

by the top psychiatrist at Reader's Digest.

Yeah? The way they condense everything,

what's his name, Dr. Sigmund Fred?

Okay, fine. We'll forget about it.

Hey. Just because I think it's silly

doesn't mean I don't want to take it.

Come on. Question number 3.

All right, funny guy. I'll give you one more chance.

Question number 3: "Do you find it necessary

to deal with serious subjects in a joking manner?"

No.

All right, that does it.

All you want to do is joke around. Here.

There's an article in there about you: "Humor In Uniform."

Wait a minute. I was serious.

Come on. You joke all the time.

It says "Do I find it necessary."

I don't. It's not like I'm a gagaholic.

Howdy, Captains. Membership still open in this powwow?

Pull up a chair, Colonel.

Reader's Digest.

Darn fine publication.

Mildred and I have the complete abridged library.

Mildred can never figure out

what they've cut out of those books.

They seem perfect.

Yeah, I love those. My favorites are

A Tale Of A City and The Two Musketeers.

I thought you'd want to see this TWX, sir.

Colonel Horace Baldwin is coming here tomorrow

on a fact‐finding tour.

Happens every time the army starts running low on facts.

Horace Baldwin?

If I were with Western Union,

I would at this moment be receiving a gratuity.

Get back to work, lad.

Talk is cheap, and so is the colonel.

Now I place the moniker.

Baldwin's the honcho

who exiled Winchester from his cushy job at Tokyo General.

When the major finds out about this,

he's gonna sneeze bricks.

Let me handle this. I want to be there and see that.

Put a lid on it, Pierce. This is a powder keg.

I don't want anybody setting a match to it.

‐Don't worry about me, Colonel. ‐No more Horace‐ing around.

Well, I'm not lookin' forward to breaking the news to him.

I better fix myself another toddy.

‐HAWKEYE: What are you doing? ‐Keeping a running tab.

‐I only had one drink. ‐Who's talking about drinks?

You did five jokes:

A Tale Of A City, The Two Musketeers,

running low on facts...

So what's the point?

Well, according to official statistics

just released by the army,

you did five jokes in about a minute.

That's, uh, 300 jokes an hour,

15 hours a day... about 5,000 jokes a day.

You're a funny guy‐‐ not secure, but funny.

Uh‐huh. Yeah, yeah. The point is

I didn't have to make any of those. I just felt like it.

‐Of course. I understand. ‐So what you're saying is...

I can get out of the army as an insecurity risk, huh?

That's six.

They knew what they were talking about

when they passed the Golden Rule:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

"Forgive and forget" is a pretty savvy sentiment too.

And might I also remind you

that valor is not the only thing,

that discretion is the better part of‐‐

Colonel, I pray that there is a reason

why you are assaulting me

with Bartlett's barrage of platitudes.

I'm trying to put some stiff

in that upper lip of yours, Winchester.

An old friend of yours is coming to call.

‐Oh? ‐Ahem.

Colonel Horace Baldwin.

Horace Baldwin? When?

Uh, sometime tonight.

Isn't that interesting?

I haven't seen him since I left Tokyo.

Well, I must say,

you've got a tighter grip on your reins

than I expected you would.

I was sure you'd Vesuvius all over my office.

Oh, Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?

Glad to see you using some common sense.

What possible benefit could I derive

from becoming angry over the impending arrival

of the cretin who banished me to this flea hatchery?

You are using common sense, aren't you?

Just because I was forced

to surrender the delights of Tokyo,

where I could indulge in Kabuki and octopus?

Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours

‐get got again. ‐Have you ever savored

the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?

I don't care for any food

that hangs on to the plate when you pick it up.

The injustice of it all!

To banish me to this vermin preserve,

just to avoid paying me the $600

he lost to me in a cribbage game!

Ergo, when he arrives,

I shall perform elective surgery

on the first organ that presents itself!

Major, I've got a hospital to run,

and I don't want Baldwin in it.

Oh, sir! This may be the only chance I have

to savor the sweet fruit of revenge.

I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even!

‐Winchester, ten‐hut! ‐(whimpers)

I need a volunteer

to stay away from Colonel Baldwin, and you're it!

‐(grunting) ‐About face!

Forward, skedaddle!

But, Colonel‐‐

The last laugh has yet to be laughed, Colonel!

Begging your pardon, Major‐‐

Quiet, you meddling little Bedouin!

Sorry, sir, but I've had a lot of experience

in these matters.

I do not need the wisdom of your experience.

I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.

Let me just ask you one question.

How would you like to win

an all‐expense paid trip to Tokyo

for the rest of the war?

Tokyo? Japan?

That's right, the Pearl of the Orient.

And all you have to do to win this contest

is to know the three W's for getting ahead:

what to kiss, whose to kiss and when to kiss it.

Surely you are not proposing Horace Baldwin's?

The man who sent you here

is the man who can take you away from all this.

I'd sooner bathe in pig swill!

Major, look at the big picture. If you're smart,

the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with

is a handshake.

This situation calls for tact,

diplomacy, and sucking up.

Suck up? A Winchester?

Remember, to grow a beautiful rose,

sometimes you gotta shovel a lot of manure.

Why am I listening to this interminable drivel

when there's a perfect murder to be planned?

Good news, Hawk. There's plenty of hot water for a change.

All right. Cut the small talk.

Did you mean what you said last night?

Of course not. It was a pack of lies. What did I say?

You know what I'm talking about.

You said I was insecure.

What are you letting this get to you for?

It's a silly little test.

Of course it is. Perfectly meaningless.

Do you or do you not think I joke too much?

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, so maybe you're a little insecure.

Who isn't? I also happen to think

you're one of the funniest people I've ever met.

Hmm.

Polite tap dancing aside,

what you're really saying is

I come off like I'm some kind of joke machine,

that I have to be restrained with a "yockstrap."

There's more foam in your mouth than on your body.

Listen, I'm a very complex person!

There's a lot more to me than brilliant humor.

In fact, even without it, I'm an interesting person.

In fact, I'm‐‐ I'm fascinating.

Sure you are.

Don't patronize me!

You think I'm just kidding.

‐I'll prove it to you. ‐There's nothing to prove.

Okay, you're on. I'll bet you $10

I can go the whole day without making a single joke.

You're not gonna let go of this thing, are you?

How can I? You keep throwing it up in my face.

‐So is it a bet? ‐Okay.

For you I'll take the bet.

But it has to be just between you and me.

Otherwise, it wouldn't be an honest test.

You're on.

Oh, boy, dinner looks good tonight.

What do you suppose it was in its previous life, huh, Hawk?

‐These are leftovers. ‐I'll bet.