Raising Hope

Yes. Perfect! Excellent!

Well, that puzzle only took four hours.

Maybe now they'll finally go home.

Okay, who wants to watch a movie?

Me, movie!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hope, you gotta go to bed, honey,

'cause you got school tomorrow.

Come on, please.

Come on, please.

I got Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

"Limited Edition."

Don't you have to go home for Maw Maw?

Oh, we didn't tell you. Mm.

She's with the Dead now.

What?!

Later on, suckers.

I'm going on a long, strange trip

with Syrup Sam.

I'll be back when I'm either grateful or dead.

Okay, you guys do realize

that the Grateful Dead broke up, right?

Yeah, but she doesn't know that. (laughs)

Come on, this will be great.

I heard this version has an extra 20 minutes

of just watching Hobbits sleep.

Um... Mm.

Uh... actually,

if you guys don't mind, uh...

we have to get up early. What for?

Spin class.

Uh... yeah!

We've gotten pretty good at it.

Well, that is good. Can you go faster?

What the hell, guys?

What? We took up finger painting.

What's wrong with that?

Yeah, we don't judge you

for wearing the same stupid four shirts.

Yeah, we get it,

you like pancakes.

Guys, we just got

Hope's report card,

and it says she's been absent 18 times.

None of which were excused by us.

Do you know anything about this?

No! We stopped caring about report cards

when you were in the first grade. Both times.

The school said that you guys have been

picking her up in the middle of the day

and bringing her back before it ends.

Guys, we know you love Hope

and we know you want to spend time with her, but...

she's gotta be in school.

Well, forgive us for trying to be

caring and involved grandparents.

Why is the hot tub sneezing?

What?

Serioursly, guys?

We miss her. She's fun.

We're like the Three Amigos.

She's Martin Short.

Guys, I think you may have empty-nest syndrome.

Does that syndrome give you headaches,

or is that just 'cause you guys are here?

No. It just means that you're having some trouble

adjusting to your family not living at home.

Ever since you and Hope left,

we do have a lot of time on our hands.

What are we supposed to do?

We can only have so much sex.

We certainly don't want to work any more hours.

Um... then find ways to spend your time.

Hey, you could try volunteer work.

Please, we're not rich.

We don't have the luxury of working for free, Sabrina.

Th a den get and leave Hope out of it.

: All right.

I just don't see why it has to be a dog, Virginia.

Dogs are the natural enemies of gardeners.

Burt, we need this.

Sabrina was right...

we have empty-nest syndrome.

So we either put a dog in our house,

or you uncork your vasectomy and put a baby in here.

And I'm warning you, Burt,

this ass is not gonna bounce back

after baby number two at my age.

Welcome to the Natesville Animal Shelter.

How can I help you?

We'd like to rescue a dog.

Aw... well, you don't rescue them as much as they rescue you.

Now who's gonna be the dog's master?

We both will.

No! Not on my watch.

A dog can only have one alpha.

Well, uh... I guess that's me. Yeah.

Uh... I'll be right back.

I saw an old friend on the way in.

Hello, Bartlett.

Guess you won't be digging up

my freshly planted succulents from in there, will you?

I wouldn't want to be a pretty dog like you

in a place like this.

I can't tell you how excited I am to finally have a dog.

I've wanted one forever.

Well, they're a lot of responsibility.

I started raising a baby in 11th grade, so,

if that doesn't say responsible, I don't know what does.

So, are there any other pets in the house?

Well, there's something living in our chimney,

but we haven't had a mouse in two years,

so we don't ask questions.

Says here, you're not allowed to adopt.

Your last name and address

triggered an alert.

You're on a no-dog list.

What?! I told you, we're incredibly responsible.

Our granddaughter's gonna be very upset

if we come back to the car without a dog.

Yeah.

Okay, Hope, what animal is this?

Butter...

Cat.

Jimmy... she knew this a year ago.

Jimmy,

we have a problem.

Apparently, our last name and address got on a no-dog list.

Do you know anything about that?

I may have had something to do with that.

Would you care to explain that...

in a way that we could visualize it as if we were there?

Seven years ago I wasn't the confident,

sexy ladies' man I am today.

I figured a four-legged wingman would help

and I thought if one dog got me attention,

then two dogs might get me a little more.

And I was right.

Then I figured, if two dogs got me tonsil hockey,

maybe five dogs would get me to fifth base.

And my plan worked perfectly.

Until the dogs decided that they had better things to do

than wait around while I got some.

: I can't believe you used to use stray dogs

to hook up with girls.

Uh... excuse me. High school dropout working with his dad,

living with his parents.

My toolbox wasn't exactly overflowing.

Well, thanks to you, now we can't adopt a dog.

Which I didn't want in the first place, but your mom did...

and now we're very disappointed.

This is horrible. I can't believe you did this to us.

Every week I find out

about some terrible thing that you did to me as a kid!

Oh, when are you gonna stop living in the past?

You gave me up for adoption.

You, you faked my childhood vacations.

You ruined my credit!

Okay, okay, fine.

Now we can't adopt a dog, so I guess that makes us even.

Ah, Regina! Nice haircut. Hi. Thanks.

I'll have the usual. Okay.

A hot dog...

and I bet somebody wants a grape soda.

Wow...

Soda's on me.

Thanks.

Have a grape day.

: Okay.

Bye-bye, cutie.

There you go.

Sabrina, you can't leave me alone for a second.

God, did you eat found gum again?

No, but good guess.

I just got hit on big-time by the wiener chick.

My charm and good looks just got us a free soda.

I'm pretty sure that soda was for Hope.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was for me.

Oh, my God.

I just realized, Hope is your new dog.

Hello?

Excuse me, we figured out why our house was on

the no-dog list.

It's out idiot son.

But he doesn't live with us anymore.

And if you're worried about the "idiot" part, don't.

We barely raised him. Rules are rules.

Would a person who would harm an animal make you these?

These cookies are shaped like things humans like.

Boobs, cars, televisions.

And these are shaped like things dogs like.

Bones, hydrants, mailman's ass.

I realize they all kind of look like lumps,

but, we're not cookie-cutter rich. (laughs)

Wow, that took a lot of effort. Maybe I misread you.

Unlike dogs, I can't lick your hand

and know what's in your heart.

So you'll let us adopt a dog.

Not yet. In order to get you off the no-dog list,

I have to put you through a three-day trial period,