The Middle

Is it wrong that I'm excited

about our kids getting their wisdom teeth out?

I wouldn't go wide with it.

I just think it'll be fun to have Sue and Axl trapped here,

you know, all needy and in pain.

Wait, that doesn't sound right.

It's just... remember when they were little and our prisoners?

Well, not our prisoners, but...

But before they could hop the baby gate.

Yeah.

And the were all squishy and helpless,

and we could just love on them whenever we wanted to.

Yeah, that was more your thing.

Why am I even here?

Why are you making me do this?

My teeth feel totally fine.

Look, we knew you were gonna have to

get your wisdom teeth out,

and it's better to do it now before it starts hurting.

Plus, I get a 40% discount at Smile Superstars,

and you never know when I'm gonna be fired.

- - My spring breaks always suck.

Not this time... I'm gonna take care of you.

I'm gonna bring you soup

and make your favorite lime-green Jell-O.

Oh, my God, that's Brick's favorite.

It's always all about him!

Not so fast.

Every time you two come home from college,

you think you can just breeze in,

and everything goes back to the way it was.

Well, things have changed.

There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Brick.

Now, here's how it's gonna go down.

One... I now have first dibs on the bathroom

during the peak hours of 7:00 to 9:00.

Two... I control the remote, trumped only by Dad.

It goes Dad, me, you two... Then Mom.

Three... I'm not sitting in the lawn chair at meals anymore.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. We...

I believe I was talking.

And four... "The Dukes of Hazzard" beach towel

is no longer my bath towel.

Mom bought me a real bath towel.

You two may now choose between the Dukes

and the scratchy one that used to line the bunny's cage.

So, that's how it's gonna be from now and hitherto forthwith.

You're adorable.

Missed you.

So, when my teeth come out,

there's not gonna be any shifting, right?

Because I've been told I have spongy bone.

Also, I pronate a little when I run.

Oh, and if anything happens to me during surgery,

do not allow my brother to freeze my head.

Too late... already cleared out a space next to my Hot Pockets.

Okay, so, just sit tight,

and the doctor should be in in a minute.

Just to be clear, I get the people doctor.

This one's gonna need a vet.

Tell you what... I've got an older brother, too.

How about I do you a favor and put him to sleep first?

Big problemo, Mike.

Marlene's back in town.

You got to hide me.

Why? She's not pregnant, is she?

Well, no. Why?

You guys have a thing on the side or something?

- What? - Oh.

No, it's just, uh, she caught me at Dad's yesterday,

and she really laid into me.

She was like, "You're the worst ex-husband ever.

You're not forwarding my mail.

The diaper business belongs to me.

You took the good tire off my car."

She was... Wait, wait, wait, back up.

It's true, Mike.

I... I don't forward her mail.

No, after that.

Why would she say the diaper business belongs to her?

Oh. Oh, well, you know women.

Yeah, they... They're always so possessive.

What with that and it being her idea and all.

Her idea?

What the hell are you talking about?

You know what? I don't think hiding me is such a good idea.

I wish we could just switch faces.

You know, like in that movie.

I can't put my finger on it.

I want to say, uh, "Cinema Paradiso," is it?

Are you telling me that the diapers were Marlene's idea?

- Uh, oh, yeah. -

But don't worry about that.

I got another winner brewing, and it's all mine.

It's the human hand back scratcher.

I know a fella who works down in the morgue,

and he can get me buckets of hands.

And the great thing is the nails keep growing after you die.

That's a true story.

Remember when we were little

and I stopped you from drinking that Mop & Glo?

Yeah.

Kind of regretting that right now.

- - I wouldn't worry about it, Mike.

She was pretty drunk yesterday.

I bet she doesn't remember a thing.

That might be her.

Morning, sleepy head. Mommy's here.

You're all done. It went great.

Where did I keep my

You've got gauze in your mouth, sweetheart.

I can't understand you.

- - Why is Julia Roberts here?

Did Julia Roberts do my surgery?

That's not Julia Roberts, honey.

I work with her.

You work with Julia Roberts?

Let's get my little chickies back in the nest.

Oh.

All right, here we go, honey.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -

Oh, yeah. That's so nice.

Oh, just lean on me, honey.

That's right, Mommy's got you.

- Thank you, Mommy. - Aww.

Look, Marlene, I got to tell you,

I'm a little confused about what's going on here.

What's confusing?

Rusty stole my heart, my virginity, and my idea.

No, wait, that's wrong.

It was just heart and idea.

Yeah, look, I'm trying to keep my cool here,

so can you guys just walk me through

how exactly you figure this is your idea?

Well, she wanted to get something to eat,

so we decided to buy a lottery ticket.

And then we won.

Except it turns out that to officially get the money,

you need to have more than one number correct.

What does this have anything to do with anything?

Well, Mr. Impatient.

Then we went home, and she came up with the idea.

Sheesh, sure know how to wreck a story, don't you?

Yeah. I'm on to you, Mike.

I want my share.

You tried to cut me out, but you can't.

I'm gonna stick to you like pasties on a stripper's boob.

I'm...

Look, I know it's not obvious

from my palatial surroundings here,

but we're barely turning a profit.

We're not making money on this. We're putting money into it.

You two think I'm an idiot? I seen "Dateline."

I know about your offshore accounts.

How'd she find out about the offshore accounts?

We don't even have onshore accounts.

Look, she's obviously got us.

I say we move on to the human hand back scratcher.

Now, turn around, and I'm gonna scratch your back

with my hand and a piece of wood.

You tell me which feels better.

I'll hold my hand so it seems dead.

It'll be like the Pepsi Challenge

but with dead hands.

Come on!

Okay, I thought that when we get home,

we can all snuggle up and watch the copy of "Free Willy"

that we "forgot" to return to the video store

before it went out of business.

Ooh, and I dug up

all the arts and crafts stuff from the basement.

We are gonna have so much fun together this week, I promise.

- Hm. - Thank you for your service.

- - Thank you for your service.

Hey. There's something in my mouth.

Yeah, honey, that's supposed to be there.

Just leave it.

It's gauze.

Why is there gauze in my mouth?

Why would Julia Roberts do that to me?

Sue. Sue, sweetie, put that back in.

What are you doing?

I want to get them on tape agreeing to my new terms.

Axl, Sue, repeat after me.

We agree that Brick has total control over the house,

and we are merely visitors.

Visitors, visitors, visitors.

Isn't it weird how if you repeat a word over and over again,

- it loses its meaning? -

Plaid, plaid, plaid.

Shh! Everybody, this is important.

Did I say anything?

Come on, guys. We agree...

Brick, now just stop it. Put it away.

It's not nice to take advantage of them

when they're all drugged up.

Ooh, wait. Ask Axl if he's dating anyone first.

Oh, and find out if he's the one that took my tweezers.

You're nice.

I am?