The Neighbors

Previously on "The Neighbours"...

These are the Weavers.

This is there new house.

And these are their new neighbours.

I'm Larry Bird, leader of this community

and immediate neighbor to your west.

We're just living amidst golf cart-driving pie makers

amidst golf cart driving pie makers

with the names of professional athletes.

I'm sure there's an explanation for this.

We hope that you will consider staying.

We believe there's much we could learn from one another.

How the hell did you ear half a carton of ice cream

on the drive home?

Oh, there's a spoon on my keychain.

Marty.

Okay, there's no spoon. I used the picture of the kids

and I scooped the ice cream out while you were getting gas.

I'll get help. Please don't leave me.

Go! Come on!

Looking great, son. Keep it up.

You can do it, Dick Butkus! Come on now. Just another minute.

Max! Let him go!

Three minutes that time, and I didn't even cry!

Guys, what is happening here?

Oh, Max told us that you asked him to prepare Dick for his first day of school.

- We're covering wedgies next. - And then hate crimes.

Personally, I'm unclear as to why you're so sure

Dick Butkus will be the target of ridicule.

My hair smells funny.

Educated guess.

Guys, school is tough.

I mean, it's like when you go to prison and you find the biggest guy

and you beat him up to prove yourself, you know?

- No. - What's prison?

School is opposite of that.

The toughest kid picks on the weakest kid almost immediately.

And you wonder the chinese are dominating you.

Don't worry. Max will look out for Dick. Won't you, Max?

Yeah, I guess.

You won't leave his side.

Easy now.

Oh, it's so complicated...

Your schools, social structure.

It's overwhelming.

On our planet, we skip all this nonsense

and educate our children by feeding them the brains of their elders.

- So you take the brain, actually... - Please don't. Don't.

Elder feeding is quick, and while brutal,

it leaves us ample time to focus on nurturing our children.

Hmm.

Well, we've been parents on this planet for quite some time now,

and between friends and school and t-ball,

I mean, nurturing's great and everything, but...

Listen, we have three kids.

If two of them make it home alive at the end of the day, we're happy.

But don't worry. If you listen to us, We'll get you through it all.

Listen to them?

Pardon me for being skeptical,

but look how they use this room, with all their...

towels and soaps and...

excrement bowls.

Come again?

I'm sorry. Uh, I'm confused.

You're confused?

I've my head in there for the last 40 minutes.

No, I mean...

What do you guys do with your bathrooms?

So let me get this straight...

You people keep plants in your bathrooms?

It's true, Marty.

We grow gardens in the room next to our sleep chamber.

You keep a sewer there.

Yes, I guess we are the crazy ones.

You know, I can actually understand...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

S01E04 Bathroom Etiquette

First day of school.

Wait. We still have three kids, right?

I'm making lunch for Dick Butkus and Reggie Jackson.

Do you know how much cooler that would've sounded, like, a month ago?

I don't want them outting themselves at school.

Alien-ting.

Outing...Liening.

You sure you want to get involved here? because if there's one thing I know,

It's that you don't tell other parents how to raise their kids.

You know, you're right.

Everything about what you just said to me is right.

It's just something about these neighbors.

They're a blank slate.

I get to teach them how to live.

It makes me feel like Oprah.

Does that make me Gayle or Stedman?

Oh. Can I be Gayle? She gets to go on all the trips.

Wife, what are you doing to my sink garden?

We are living with humans now. We must behave as they do.

They know more about these things than we do.

And they sure do like reminding us of it.

- Was that sarcasm, husband? - I don't know. Was it?

I really don't know.

It might have been irony.

(doorbell rings) Ugh.

Even the doorbell sounds bossy when they ring it.

Good morning, neighbors.

Here. I know they don't eat, but I made them lunches.

Oh, actually, I already prepared them...

Hey, there's the man!

How do I look? I feel so free.

Are these denim trousers sagging properly?

Reggie Jackson, pull up your trousers.

We don't need to see your anuses.

And, Dick, tuck in your shirt.

No, no, Larry, the sloppier the clothes, the cooler the kid.

Okay. How do we get to china?

I'm serious now.

Dick, remember, if the kids are mean...

Oh, they're gonna be mean.

Ignore 'em. They'll find a new target soon enough.

Understood. Perhaps we should alert the commander of the school.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Jackie.

Calling attention to your kid only puts a bigger target on his back,

On his tiny,

frail...

- boneless? - Boneless.

Boneless back.

But don't you worry. We will keep an eye on him.

You sure you don't want to get a quick haircut before we go?

- Gentleman's high and tight? - Not necessary.

Thought I would try.

We are truly very grateful for your guidance, Weavers.

It really means a lot to us.

Oh.

Now that was sarcasm.

Are you sure?

No.

So many rules.

Is there anything more complicated than raising two school-age boys?

Mom! I need you! Now!

Honey? First day of school. How we doing?

I don't know how you're doing,

But here's how I'm doing, mom.

- It's not that bad. - It's volcanic, mother.

Okay, Amber, you're being a bit dramatic.

Ha!

- Dramatic? - Yes.

- You want to see dramatic? - No.

Look at my face!

Look at my zit, mom! This is dramatic!

Shh.

Thank you for all of the french fries, ma.

Shh.

Learn to cook!

She okay?

Oh, you know, the usual. Did I miss anything?

Oh, you know, the usual.

(playing discordantly)

Oh, my god. What's on her face?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Do you want a closer look?

- No. Mnh-mnh. - No? No?

- You sure? You sure? - No. Yep.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Reggie.

Come on. We're getting the bus.

Reggie Jackson, we will walk you to school,

and once there, give you an emotional parental send-off.

- No, no. No. No. - No.

Oh, what now?

Hit the road, Jack. Yeah.

I don't mean to overstep,

but...

I'm gonna drop a little "a-ha" moment.

Honey, you're not oprah.

Well, to them, I kinda am.

Will you just spit it out?

Well, they're teenagers,

so being seen around your parents is humiliating.

Humiliating?

- Yeah. - On our planet,

children and parents are proud to show affection.

in fact, every year, there's a festival of hugs,

followed by a carnival of compliments.

- It's awesome. - Okay. Great. Honey...

I gotta get to work.

- Good luck today. - Okay.

How will we survive without you?

Husband, I think that was sarcasm.

- It felt right. Thank you. - Yes.

And you are sure these denim trousers don't look foolish?

Because I have to keep them held up,

- otherwise they seem to... - Shh.

Him.

What about him?

Most popular dude.

He's the key.