Satanic

Narrator: Former New York socialite Judith Case and John Raymond

are joined by Satan in unholy wedlock before a live altar, a nude red head.

Self-ordained sorcerer, Minister Anton LaVey

presided at the San Francisco ceremony.

As the worst man looks on,

the blessings of Lucifer and Beelzebub are invoked.

The elaborate rites smacked of publicity because next day,

the bride and groom secured a conventional wedding license.

- (voices whispering) - (breathes shakily)

- (screaming) - (gasps)

Elise: Two days in LA to go on my dark tour. David has to handle it.

- David: Two days! - (camera clicks)

Cannot believe I agreed to this shit.

Elise: Chlo, you wanna hit off this J?

Chloe: No, I'm good, thanks.

David: Hey, will you open a fucking window?

Seth: LA, spread your legs.

Elise: So tired, I can barely get high.

- (camera clicks) - David: Too dark.

Elise: Keeps burning through that memory, Chlo.

Seth: You guys are like a fucking Apple commercial.

Chloe: Devil face.

Elise: Oh, my God, that was so KISS.

David: (laughs) Knights In Satan's Service.

Seth: KISS worshiped pussy, not Satan.

- David: Hey, don't we all? - I hate that word.

What? Seth said it, not me.

Hit him anyway, Chlo, they love it.

David: Where the fuck are we?

Elise: Good evening, Los Angeles.

David: And we are officially lost.

Damn it.

The arrow shows Flower. Is this Flower?

No, this is Santa Fe.

Hey, should we get back on the highway?

Are you sure you had the GPS on?

David: I don't know, do I?

Nope, 'cause I'm an idiot.

Ah... ha-ha, there she is. Welcome back, Kim.

I'm sorry, you call her Kim?

Don't ask.

Okay, hello to you, too.

Junkies and whores.

Welcome to La La Land, darling.

David: Right, there it is. Let's get the hell out of here.

- (door creaks open) - (footsteps approaching)

Seth: Yes.

Elise Stevens.

Clerk: Two nights, right?

Yeah, and specifically requested room 204.

Clerk: Laney Gore bled on the floor in 204.

- Seth: That's the shit, bro. - So the shit.

Who the hell's Laney Gore?

One of many surprises we have in store.

!' Play nice.

I am playing nice.

Elise: Laney!

- Elise: Oh, my God. - David: Wow.

- Smell that asbestos. - Seth: Oh, wow.

Seth: Nice. What a shit hole.

Elise: (whispers) Oh, my God. Look at this.

Seth, I think this is where it happened.

- Matches the photograph, right? - Yeah.

David: Hey, this isn't a suite, it's a dump.

Why did we pay an extra 20?

Room 204. Laney Gore slit her throat here.

- What? - Yep.

1972. One of the early sisters of LaVey's Church of Satan.

Check out the bloodstains like wet paint.

Oh, my God. It is the same. David, look.

Yeah. Fucking awesome.

Hey, why are we here and not Coachella?

Because Chloe's my best friend and you're on her leash. Okay?

- And you're on mine, bitch. - You wish, bitch.

Hey, you guys really want to stay here?

- Seth: Yeah. - Darling, this is why we came.

Right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

David, are you okay with this?

- Elise: He can't hear you. - He's sleeping.

- (elevator bell dings) - (elevator door opens)

Man: Get back here!

David: (sighs) Oh, my savior.

Nice neighbors we have.

Yeah, this place is a squatter's paradise.

You get a needle at check-in.

Anything?

I thought I felt something a while ago, but...

David: Yeah. Well, maybe that was just Milton Bradley

- pocketing your 20 bucks. - I felt something.

- I swear to God. - Ask it something.

Hello.

Who are you?

Are you Laney Gore?

What do you decree?

David: (snickers) "What do you decree?"

Hey.

Oh, my God, Seth, you're totally doing that.

I'm not.

What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?

"B"

Girls:

"BJ."

Oh, my God, it's like we're thinking the same thing!

Seth! You little fucking prick!

- (laughing) - Fucking goth troll.

- Yeah, my goth troll. - Elise: Bullshit.

Chloe: Come on, it's cool.

Elise: It's not cool, nobody's taking this seriously!

Okay. Sorry, your bullshit Satanic tourism,

- I have to take this seriously? - It's not Satanic tourism,

it's about understanding the dark natures.

Wow, that's very Aleister Crowley of you.

You know what? Fuck you, David.

If you didn't wanna do this, why'd you come?

To get a BJ.

David: Hey, I've got that department covered.

Oh, do you?

Elise: If you guys are gonna shit around all weekend,

maybe we should just blow this whole thing off

and go to Coachella. This isn't bullshit for me, okay?

I mean, would it kill you, David,

to open your fucking mind and be a free spirit?

I swear to God, I can't deal with this frat-boy shit!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Tension release.

We'll have our coffee. And from now on they'll behave.

Come on, it's Spring Break.

Come on, LA for two nights, and then Coachella, right?

Look, we're on board. Our minds are open.

Yeah?

So... you tell me. What's the plan?

Elise: All righty.

- Everybody get together. - David: Mm-hm.

- Come on! - Ow!

- Cheer up! - Yeah.

- 'Kay? This is where Satan lives. - Okay. This is happening.

Oh... Cute. Check out the cross, it's kick-ass.

David: It's cool.

Elise: Oh, my God.

We love your look.

They're friendly.

Seth: Hey!

Uh... Dude, uh, we're trying to find the Sharon Tate house...

Fuck off.

Yeah, well, fuck you, too!

David: (sighs) Colossal waste of time, take two.

Sick. I'm gonna use this as my screen saver.

Color-tone the shit out of it.

Hey, did we ever find out where her house is?

- (bang on car door) - (screams)

Go suck cock, bitch.

David, no.

Yeah, go suck the devil's cock, bitch!

Oh, my God. Good one, Dave.

- Fucker loogied all over my window. - Welcome to LA.

- No shit! (laughs) - David: This city sucks.

Elise: All right. First ones here.

David: Only ones here.

Sorry, why are we not at a taping of Two and A Half Men?

Chloe, can you keep his negative energy away from me, please?

And, David, that shitty show's been canceled.

Seth: Just like the photos. Insanely awesome.

Oh, my God. Were people really murdered here?

Bloody and cold.

Seth, we got to find a way around the back.

Yeah.

Can you get the hell out of the way?

Seth: Dick.

Wow, Dave, you're just an asshole magnet.

David: Yeah, no shit. I'm here with you.

Oh, my God. Dave, do you ever get tired of being wrong?

- (Seth laughs) - Oh, you gotta be

- fucking kidding me. - Seth: Mm-hmm.

- Seth: All right. Yeah. - (camera clicks)

Elise: They came this way about ten PM,

up the hill, to the backyard.

Big-ass hill. Jesus, what were they? Sherpas?

Why'd they do it?

Seth: Manson thought some record producer that fucked him over

was still living here. He was actually the target.

David: Wrong place, wrong time, eh?

Seth: On steroids. Slit her stomach open.

- She was fuckin' pregnant. - Elise: Seth!

Chloe: Oh, my God, it's so pretty.

Elise: I know, that's what makes it so creepy.

Seth, get a picture of us.

Chloe!

- I don't want to. - Chloe.

No. (sighs) Fine.

- Seth: Say "Charlie." - Both: Charlie.