MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Oh, Lieutenant, your journal came.

Radar, you have anything for me?

Do I‐‐ Well, I‐I‐‐

Hi. Radar.

Do I have‐‐ Did I get a letter?

Oh, no. I don't think so.

But if I may say, that's a very nice towel you're wearing, Lieutenant.

Look at this, you dodo. You're standin' here talkin' to yourself. Jerk.

Mail call. Sensational.

Anything in a blue envelope, smells as though it was written by a girl in a summer dress,

a spray of lilac at her elbow?

You got a letter from your congressman that the mail truck...

threw into Colonel Potter's corral by mistake.

I think I'll pass. I'll take anything from my family, no matter how it smells.

It smells like crayons. You sure it's not from my congressman?

Hey, Radar, what's up? You look down.

Well, to tell you the truth‐‐ Can I talk to you guys?

To tell you the truth, why not? Pull up a bunk.

Hey, thanks.

Um‐‐ Well, I'm very concerned about something which concerns my life here.

‐ What's the trouble, Andy? ‐ Well,

I don't think that this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me.

I work under terrible pressures, and there's lots of death and destruction and stuff,

but other than that, I don't think I'm getting much out of it.

I knew there was something wrong with this place.

I mean, the army's supposed to‐‐

It's‐‐ Well, it's supposed to make a man out of you, isn't it?

It depends which sex you are to start with. You have to meet them halfway.

I'm just basically the same person that I was, that I came in with.

You think you could've run an outfit this big before you came over here?

That's just being a good clerk. What would you rather be?

Okay. Now, listen. This is just, uh, talk. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's just sort of thinkin' out loud. Yeah, right.

‐ What do you want to be? ‐ Oh.

A hot lover.

Or even a cold one, I don't care.

What makes you think the army can help?

When my Uncle Ed came home from World War I,

his mother could tell by the look in his eyes...

that he hadn't been a good boy in France.

She cried for three days.

I just know when I go home, my mother's gonna take one look at me and chuckle for a week.

Radar, you're working yourself into a froth over nothing.

Oh, nothing, huh?

Look, it's not such a big deal. Write yourself a weekend pass,

borrow a Jeep and go down to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.

Find some nice lady who reminds you of your father and let nature take its course.

You mean, go to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul, make friends with a lady...

and let nature take its course?

Well, that's another way of putting it, yes.

Maybe you're not cut out for a life of depravity. Stick to sniffing letters.

Yeah, but I'm the only one that's gonna leave this place younger than I was when I came.

So go to Seoul. Get it over with.

Y‐You mean actually go to Seoul and... you know?

A little "you know" never hurt anybody.

Some of our greatest presidents did "you know."

Let him wait till he's elected. Don't rush him.

Who's rushing him? He's over 12. Radar, relax.

‐ When the time is right, you'll go. ‐ Your glasses are fogging. Go.

Okay. Okay, I will. Next week.

Now!

Okay. Okay.

Now.

You know something? I feel different already.

I think I'm getting a fever.

Hey, any of you guys from Iowa?

Yeah. You headed that way?

Oh, no, I'm going into Seoul to, uh‐‐

I'm, uh‐‐ I'm just goin' into Seoul. I wish I was.

It's been so long since I've been to Seoul to, uh‐‐

Hardly know what it's like anymore.

Right.

I want X rays here‐‐ pelvis and lumbar areas.

All right, this guy can wait. Let me look at this other man over here.

All right. Come on. Get him in here! Shoulder wounds.

Uh, get some plasma. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me look at his chest.

‐ B. J.! ‐ Coming, Mother.

B.J., it's Radar!

Oh, my God.

‐ What did I do to him? ‐ You didn't do anything to him.

‐ He was hit by mortar fire. ‐ Is his chest all right?

I don't know. We'll have to look around in there. Get him in there and prep him.

What a stupid thing! I sent him through the middle of a war on a date.

Come on. Let's check the rest of these guys. Could've killed him!

What the hell was he doing out there in a Jeep anyway?

What a waste.

I'll go in and see how bad it is as soon as they get him to sleep.

I'm gonna work on him. Why don't you let B. J.? You don't look that relaxed.

I'm working on him!

Okay, fine.

Can I have it quiet? I'm trying to operate.

Right. We're just carving turkeys.

Shut up, Charles. Are you gonna keep us in suspense,

or you gonna tell us how he's doin'?

It's not as bad as it looked. There's a lot of muscle damage, but the vital organs are okay.

So why, may I ask, are we being treated to this inordinate demand for silence?

I'll explain later, Charles, while I'm sitting on your chest,

so Hawkeye can beat you with both fists. Criminy! Will you guys cork it?

We're up to our ankles in wit.

Innkeeper, buy everybody a drink. It's on me.

There's no everybody left, Hawk.

My‐‐ My swallower's gone back to camp.

Nothing but a fickle camp swallower.

You did great. Yeah.

No, really. You did great.

He'll run like a new model in a few weeks.

I thought I killed him, you know? I know.

He's such a cute little guy, you know? Yeah.

You know that my hands were shaking?

I had butterflies.

I've held people's hearts in my hand, and with him I was nervous.

Am I boring you? I've heard this four times already.

‐ I know how it ends. ‐ How does it end? I wasn't here for the early show.

You start crying and sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow." Can we go home?

Will you shut him up? Sh‐Shh.

That's the third time tonight he's awakened me with that idiotic song!

Oh, really? Oh, really?

That happens to be the national anthem of Iowa,

from where comes Judy Garland, the Tin Man and Radar O'Reilly!

I think you will find that the characters lurching through your febrile mind...

come from Kansas.

Wake me up early. I want to check Radar in post‐op. I'll check Radar.

You sleep it off. Unclench your toe!

And clench your mouth.

Clench yours, you hairless parsnip!

Rise and shine, folks. Incoming on the helipad.

All personnel, grab your socks.

I think we better let him sleep.

The man said "all personnel."

Charles, he's only been asleep for two hours.

You know his body hasn't had time to detoxify.

His body should have thought of that last night.

Rise and shine, glue brains. What?

What? Surgery, Hawk.

Good. Have my brain removed.

Sleep. If things get rough, I'll send for you.

Oh, no. Colonel Potter's not gonna rush me in my work...

just so he can sleep off a gallon of hooch.

Don't yell!

Stay here and sleep, Hawk. I'll do my share.

Is this my shoe? That's your pants.

Good. Where do they go?

In your case, over your head.

Really, Charles, if that weren't so amusing, one might laugh.

Not over here.

Well, who's next? I'm nearly finished.

We're real proud of you, speedy.

Wipe.

How's it going, Hawk? I can't talk. I'm operating.

‐ Oh, where is the badinage of yesteryear? ‐ Shut your hole, Charles!

What's eating him now? This breakfast session caught us a little off guard.

Aren't you over here on the American plan?

Heh! Well said, Colonel.

‐ Pertinent and pithy persiflage. ‐ Oh, pooh pooh pa‐doo.

‐ Who's got free hands? ‐ What's the matter?

I need somebody to suture this mesentery while I step outside for a minute.

Hold it in. Stand on one foot like the rest of us.

‐ Charles, are you free? ‐ Yes, but I don't see why this should come off my time.

You know why just as well as I do. Have a little heart.

Winchester, get your persiflage over there.

Pierce, go out and come in again. Let's get on with this.

If you'll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, with your very kind permission,

I'm gonna, uh‐‐

What is it with him? We got home kind of late last night.

Well, kind of late this morning.

And you think he poisoned himself on the hors d'oeuvres at Rosie's bar.

Well, that's just dandy! Colonel, you know nothing like this has ever happened before.

It better not be happening now! Baker!

Tell Pierce to get back here tout de suite!

He's a little indisposed right now, Colonel. Indisposed?

He's laying over an oil drum throwing up.

Well, well, well. How the mighty have fallen.

Look, you can walk around with your brains at half‐mast 24 hours a day for all I care,

but when that chopper hits the pad,

I expect you to be able to tie a slipknot in a matchbox.

It's incomprehensible to me that a surgeon of your caliber...

would walk into an operating room with a bag on.

Okay, let's hear some talk. What's your explanation?

I screwed up.

I presume it won't happen again. That's right.

Well, this little talk has been terribly reassuring.

God, I hate this place.

You seemed to be enjoying it well enough last night.

I thought I was celebrating, but I was really drinking in anger.

Every time I thought of Radar lying on that table with his chest laid open in front of me,

I socked another shot into my body.

'Cause I didn't have anyone else's body to sock.

Have you seen him today? He's doin' great.

I'll go in there when I can screw a smile on my face.

I'll lend you one of mine. Got a drawer full of 'em.

So that's your secret.

I can't tell you what a jerk I feel like.

Listen, anybody'd feel like a jerk...

if they'd done what you did.

Thanks. That really perks me up. That's all right.

Hiya, kid. Hey, Klinger.

Gee, you look nice.

Yeah, I don't get to wear this suit much,

and it took me hours gettin' the darts out.