Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Wait for it... Wait for it...

9:01!

Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever.

All right, let's do this. Who's got theories?

Uh... Alarm didn't go off.

All three alarms? All with battery back-up?

Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Ooh! She was taken in her sleep!

That's what I'm talking about!

Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible

than the sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight

and got stuck.

Mm, maybe she Fell into another dimension

where she's interesting.

It's 9:00 A.M. why is no one working?

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late,

and we're all trying to guess why.

I'd like to play.

I'd say she's in line at the bank.

- This is fun. - It is fun,

but you're all wrong.

She clearly slipped through a subway grate

and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

There she is. Amy.

Where have you been?

We've been worried sick. Do you care to explain yourself?

I'm just 70 seconds late. It's not a big deal.

Don't worry about it.

Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

There was a problem at the bank.

Hot damn!

So you nervous about the trial tomorrow?

The jewelry store break-in?

Diamond heist.

It's like you're going out of your way

to make it sound less cool.

I think the conviction's a slam dunk.

Good. Not to over state it,

but I'm definitely gonna die alone,

and work is all I have.

I take it dating's not going well.

What?

No! It's awesome.

What happened with Rosa's friend, Katie?

Yeah, she turned out to be even more closed off than Rosa.

So how long have you known Rosa?

None of your business.

All right.

But it's not just her.

All the dates I've been on lately have been lame.

Maybe it's you.

What are your moves?

What do you talk about?

Uh, my moves are fine, mom.

I dazzle them with a bad-ass cop story.

Have you ever thought about going

with your non-work interests?

On my first date with my wife,

all we did was talk about our mutual love of meat loaf.

The singer not the food.

Oh, so the weirder of the two choices.

All right, fine. I get what you're saying.

Your wife's awesome and I should do everything

in my power to be with her physically.

I mean, no, not that.

Don't talk about being a cop.

Just talk about my own interests.

Exactly!

Hey, she's cute.

And alone.

I'll try and find our meatloaf.

Go get her, little man.

Hello there.

Hi!

Captain...

We need to talk about the union rep elections.

Scully is running again, unopposed.

He is incompetent.

If there's one thing to take away

from the new contract, it's that holiday pay

is "now capped."

Or "not capped."

In conclusion, the word "capped" was said.

Whoo! Nailed it.

The only reason Scully does the job

is because the annual union meeting has a party sub.

He's been a rep for 12 years, and he still pronounces

"union" as "onion."

As management, I'm not allowed to talk about union matters.

Scully doesn't know anything about our pensions

and he has no idea about the new

disciplinary guidelines.

What do you think, captain?

What I think is, I will continue

to not talk about this issue.

Hey, you should run.

Going to meetings, writing stuff down.

You love that nerd stuff.

"Writing things down" is nerdy?

What do you do?

I just forget stuff like a cool person.

Come on, admit it, you care about this crap.

Maybe.

But I want to be captain one day,

and union reps are always fighting with the brass.

It's career suicide, right, sir?

Stop trying to get me involved, Santiago.

No! I'm already fighting with the brass.

Look at what you've done!

Oh man, these look spicy!

We may die tonight.

You know, I actually heard about a guy

who died while eating hot wings. Really?

Yeah, he was terminally ill beforehand though.

Unrelated.

I always thought I'd die at the hands of my own clone.

Well, that's why you have to brand the number two

into your clone's cheek.

You shouldn't have a clone if you don't know that.

Yes.

All right, you ready?

I'm ready.

Here we go.

That's nothing. Amateur night.

I can't believe this had three peppers next to it on the menu...

Oh, my God! Ah!

- Hot! - Oh, so spicy!

Drink the ranch! Drink the ranch!

Ah! Ah!

Here's the stuff you left at my place.

Your sounds of Ibiza sleep cd,

seven phone chargers, and an empty jar

labeled "fire spirit."

No, it's not empty.

Well, here's your stuff.

So I guess it's officially over.

It was slightly less gross than I expected.

Mm.

Way to be.

Uh, there is one last thing.

The luxury sex romp we had planned this weekend.

The hotel says the "bubbles and bathrobes" package

is non-refundable.

See, that's why I didn't want to pre-pay, Charles.

Yeah, but that's why we got such a good deal.

One hour of free Wi-Fi!

Don't worry, you can have your half

of the money back, and I'll take the room.

Pause.

Okay, if one of us is getting pampered all night,

it's gonna be me.

I want that room, Gina.

You can't push me around.

We're not poke pals anymore!

Ew!

Amy Santiago,

surprised to see you walking around.

Shouldn't you be on your belly, you snake?

Yeah, you snake!

What is happening?

You're running against me.

What? Rosa must've done this.

I'll get her to stop.

You know what really burns my pants?

I considered you my best friend.

What? What?

Hi. Hey now.

You are looking very happy.

I am.

Guess what happened last night.

Sexy-times.

Okay, now guess.

Sexy-times!

Yes! The whole night was amazing.

We totally hit it off.

I found our meat loaf. Wings.

The band or the show?

The food!

We went back to her place,

watched die hards one through with a vengeance,

did some adult stuff, and spent the rest of the night

debating who's the better ping-pong player.

She was adorably wrong.

How do you know if you didn't play?

Oh, we played, which was difficult

since she didn't have a table or paddles.

We had to use an avocado pit as the ball.

It was very messy.

Hey guys.

Ah, hello, district attorney kurm.

I got lucky last night.

That's great.

Yeah.

So we have a little delay.

Gary, the defense attorney, isn't gonna be here.

Oh, is he sore from high-fiving criminals

he's gotten out of jail?

Did he get a murderer off

who then murdered him to celebrate?