The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Hammer it! Hammer it!

Nail it, nail it!

My name is RJ Berger.

One nail!

Every kid thinks their parents are crazy

or stupid or embarrassing.

But mine are literally killing me.

- Oh! - Ow!

Son of a bitch!

Could you guys maybe... Knock it off for one night?

I have school in the morning.

What are you talking about, bud?

Mommy and I were just hanging a picture.

Look...

I'm aware you're not capable of being normal parents, but...

Just, um, keep the... Whatever it is you're doing down.

Now, wait just a minute.

What do you mean, we can't be normal parents?

Mom, there's a dude I've never seen before standing behind your armoire.

Evening.

That's what I mean... Not normal.

Teenagers.

Hey, RJ.

I came to school naked today.

What?

I said, "is it cool if I can't make it today?"

You know, our study-buddy session.

Yeah. Um... Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, we could--you know, we'll do it some other night.

Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it for at least a few weeks.

Mrs. bender offered me the lead in the school musical.

You're kidding.

I mean... that's awesome for you. Thanks.

Too bad you're not doing it too.

I mean, we totally could have hung out and studied during rehearsals.

Yeah, I mean, that would have been, uh, interesting.

I totally would have auditioned, had I known, but I mean... why don't you?

Auditions don't end till tomorrow.

- Uh, I mean, I-- really--uh, no, I--

you know, I got something-- - come on.

All you got to do is get up and read a few lines.

A musical, RJ?

You know what, dude?

Why don't you just hire a couple guys to fly planes into our reputations?

Okay, what else would you like me to do?

I mean, without our study dates, I don't have any reason to be with her.

Nice. How else am I gonna win her over?

Step one, don't let her see you prance around in a leotard!

You want her to spin around on your fun stick,

not take you for a mani/pedi.

You have to do something manly in front of her.

- What do you mean, "manly"? - You know, manly.

Like grow a mustache or, uh...

Beat the piss out of some random seventh grader.

She's not gonna be into me for beating up some kid.

What? She goes out with Max Owens!

That guy single-handedly destroyed more kids than divorce!

Look, people laugh at you for just walking down the hall, RJ.

Imagine what they'll do if they see you dance.

RJ!

Hey.

Just where do you think you're going?

- To my room. - Oh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

No, tonight the three of us are going to have

a normal family dinner like normal families do.

So you just throw that fanny in reverse and park it.

Oh, you heard your mother.

So what's the, uh, hiz-aps at school?

really?

Come on, RJ.

Daddy's asking a perfectly normal question.

Uh, okay, well, uh... I'm auditioning

for the high-school musical tomorrow.

Look out. That is fantastic.

Well, excuse me, Matthew Broderick.

What's the play, bud?

- It's like-- it's an original p--

it's like, uh--it's a mash-up between West Side story

and--and--and twilight.

West Side is one of our favorites.

- That's--that's if I get a part.

I'm not even gonna want you guys to come.

next!

You crazy, man?

Nobody can Tokyo drift... Better than me!

Next.

next.

Next!

Oh, come on, people!

Isn't there someone here with an ounce of natural talent?

Who's next?

You're up. Come on!

"She's the most beautiful girl

"I've ever...Seen. Every morning when I--

when I go to sleep, it's her I dream about."

No, no, no!

It's about passion, okay?

About a boy who loves a girl with every ounce of his being.

Loves her so much, it hurts.

Ever felt that way about a girl, uh... Arj Berjay?

- Uh, it's--it's r-- - that kind of burning love?

A burning love that couldn't be consummated.

Hmm?

Yes.

Again.

"She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

"Every morning, when I go to sleep, it's her I dream about.

"And every time she walks by me, it's... It's like the sun goes down.

"But like the sun... She turns me to ashes,

"because I don't belong in her world.

"She sees right through me.

"I am...Undead to her."

I found my leading man!

Arj!

- The lead in the high-school musical, RJ?

The lead?

- I-I wasn't trying to get the lead, you know.

It just sort of-- it happened.

I-I got up there, and--and I was, like-- I was thinking about Jenny.

It was weird, and it just-- it just sort of came out.

Yeah. May I remind you what came out last time you did a school play?

First up, we have Johnny as the rose.

Next stop, we have Timmy as a blade of grass.

And I feel tickly on bare feet.

As our dewdrop, we have Sally.

I'm a drop of dew, and I help all the plants grow.

And lastly, we have RJ as the daffodil.

I'm a daffodil, and I...

Oh!

I hate the daffodil!

A lot's changed since then.

Yeah. Your poops have gotten bigger.

All right, I know bad ideas, and this--this is a bad idea.

Hey, RJ.

Great audition yesterday.

Thanks.

Maybe we could meet after school sometime... Run lines?

Yeah, um... I'd love t-to do that with you.

Well, I'll see you at rehearsal.

Okay. Control, alt, delete everything I just said.

That's it. Deep stretches.

Feel yourself becoming one with the stage.

Now, I want you all to listen closely.

Girls don't want Shakespeare unless DiCaprio goes shirtless.

Boys don't want Jane Austen unless there are zombies in it.

Kids want mash-ups. They want sex.

And this year, we're going to give them both.

Vamp side story is a tale of forbidden love and hard-bodied vampires.

It's a show that demands intensity and passion.

This is especially true of our beautiful Mary played by Jenny Swanson

and our naturally pale vampire Anthony played by arj Berjay.

- It's--it's r-- - in the end... Their love will triumph,

and their lips will meet in a final, tragically deep kiss.

Wait. We kiss?

Places, please!

Places, everyone!

So you finally get to swap spit with Jenny Swanson.

A little intimidating, no?

Uh, shut up, Lily.

What? I'm just saying.

If I finally got to kiss the girl of my dreams,

I'd be terrified of screwing it up.

- If you're trying to get into my head, I--

- it's not your head I want to get into.

- Lily-- - you only get one chance to make a first impression.

And let's be honest, arj.

You haven't much experience in the spit-swapping department.

So?

So say you get up there and gum at her like a caveman with a Turkey leg?