The Bisexual

- That first night we watched Trainspotting.

- She said she hadn't seen it and I was like,

"How could you not have seen that film?

It's the story of your people!"

And she was like, "That's Scotland, you dumb fuck."

And you know that scene where the baby's crawling

on the ceiling and it slowly turns its head around,

it was during that scene that I knew I had feelings for her.

- And now every time we have sex she cant climax

unless that scene's playing.

No, that's not true.

That's Sadie being an asshole and shitting on a nice memory.

- And when did the professional partnership start?

- Well I pitched the idea for mine that first night.

- But then we didn't get together

for another three years, but the idea stuck with me.

So, once Shazam came out I knew it'd be easier

to pitch you know Shazam for clothes, so.

Yeah.

It's insane that we're launching in a few months

when we've been talking about this for like thirteen years.

Sorry to interrupt.

Will you forward Jacob's email

and tell them I'll return by end of day?

Sure.

Thanks Hye Me.

God she's so fucking cool.

I love her hair do.

- Can I ask do you have any plans to start a family?

- Here we go. - Of course.

I feel if we were men you wouldn't be asking that question.

Think you can get away with murder

'cause you're so fucking pretty?

We do want kids.

We are waiting to launch this baby first.

- And who's gonna carry it?

Oh definitely Leila.

I couldn't do it.

It'd be like Arnold Schwarzenegger in that film Junior.

And if we are gonna use my eggs for our first then,

my age is gonna be an issue.

- Yeah, but if I'm going through the bullshit of childbirth

that kid's gonna have my old nose.

I'm just kidding.

What's it like being women

in such a male dominated business?

- Do we have to answer that question?

I genuinely think it's a really stupid question.

We've talked about kids and marriage.

- We talked about it, you know, abstractly.

We also talked about euthanasia.

- You're the person I want to be with.

How can you be sure?

Marry me.

- I'm not gonna marry you in the fucking toilet.

I'm being serious.

Will you marry me?

- I'll ask Leila, put your hand on top

of Sadie's hand on the mouse.

That's so fantastic.

That's great.

Yeah, normal day at work.

Put your fist on your chin like you're both that statue,

The Thinker.

Ah yes, that's perfect.

Okay Sadie, cradle Leila in your arms like she's your child.

Oh Yeah.

Yeah, you look so good.

That's fantastic.

Erm, kiss.

Eyes to camera.

Big smiles.

Smile up.

Yes, that's it

Don't go.

It'll only be a few months.

- Is this you having a nervous breakdown?

You're not gonna start writing on the wall in faeces,

are you?

- I read somewhere that this is a really good thing

to do when you're upset.

It gets your heart rate up.

Is it working?

No.

You will tell me if you sleep with somebody else.

Do you really wanna know?

Right.

- I'm really sorry I'm fucking everything up.

If you're gonna go, just go.

She's totally on board.

She thinks it's a really good idea.

Like she hasn't said that verbally but I can tell.

And we're in a really good place,

and I dunno you can still love and support each other

and be on a break, you know?

Only a lesbian would say that.

- Yeah, because only a lesbian would capable of it.

- Sorry, what I meant was, only a lesbian

would be so full of her own shit that she would say that

and believe it to be true.

- Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing?

With Sadie?

I love these talks we have.

- How the fuck am I supposed to know

if I'm doing the right thing or not?

You haven't told me anything.

There's nothing to say.

She wants to get married.

We're in different places.

How long is the break?

I don't know.

A few months?

What are you gonna do for sex?

Meh.

I don't know.

Sex is complicated.

How?

- Like you strategize how you're gonna get it

and then you anticipate it and once it's finally happening

don't you wish you could just fast forward

'cause all the pressure is on you to come

and you'd rather just give head

than worry about your own orgasm.

No, not at all.

Good for you.

What is this on your neck?

Nothing.

Is that a hickie!

Who did that to you?

Some girl I met.

What happened?

That's it.

The movie rights are available.

Googled that guy you're living with.

Yeah, what do you think?

You should move in with me.

- No, I'm not living with you and your parents in Chingford.

- It's better than living with some dickhead

on Gumtree that peaked in 2005.

He's a successful novelist!

- Published one book over a decade ago.

No!

You cannot text and drive!

I'm hardly fucking moving.

I hate it when you do this!

You know, if he weren't white and straight

you would be impressed.

- If he wasn't white and straight he wouldn't have

written a book called Testicular.

Leila.

Hi.

Welcome.

This is my friend, Deniz.

Deniz, this is Gabe.

Dennis?

Deniz.

Dennis.

Deniz.

Denis.

Forget it man.

I'm sorry, have we met?

I feel like I know you from somewhere.

That's everything.

I have to go to work.

I adore you.

Thank you.

Pull yourself together.

Hey, nice car.

See ya later, Dennis!

- I don't think I've ever made such a bad impression

in such a condensed period of time.

No, that's just her face.

Oh.

Zadie Smith.

You a fan?

Yeah.

- Yeah, there's a lot of things I like about her work.

I mean, do I think it's deserving

of an endless stream of flowery praise?

Not really.

But you know she not untalented.

Coffee?

Yes, thanks!

Gabe!

I found another tub of that protein powder stuff.

Hasn't been opened, do you want to take it back to the shop?

Hi.

I'm Laura, Gabe's sister.

Oh, it's expired.

I'm gonna chuck it.

Hi, I'm Leila.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, so I am done.

Remember to heat the chicken before you eat it.

Yeah.

I'm not a bloody animal.

- I'm sorry about the smell in the room,

Gabe's last flat mate used to piss in bottles

and leave them around.

We don't know that for a fact.