Gabriel Iglesias: Hot and Fluffy

Ladies and gentlemen !

From Bakersfield , California,

Gabriel lglesias.

Thank you !

Thank you ! Wow!

Oooh !

Oh , yeah , l have no pressure.

Thank you so much , Bakersfield .

l can't thank you guys enough for making this a completely sold-out house here--

at the Fox Theater.

Yeah , well , a lot of people around say, Where are you gonna do your special?

When you get to do your special , where you gonna do it?

And a couple people say, Well , are you gonna do it in New York,

in L.A.? And l said You know, L.A. , New York wasn't where l got my start,

l n 1 997 , my first theater performance was right here on this very stage.

And l know some of you are looking at the background going ,

Okay, then if he's showing Bakersfield love,

how come he has a picture of Hawaii?

And just so you know, that's not a picture of Hawaii ,

that's a picture of the The Bluffs here in Bakersfield .

[wild cheering and whistling]

Woo!

l love you guys, man . l have--

l have way too many good memories here, man ,

some of them are kind of blurred because l was .

You can't hang out seriously here.

You gotta be careful 'cause the Police here in Bakersfield ,

they don't mess around .

They will stop you for anything , man .

They got me outside,

What are you doing?

Walking .

But l noticed something though .

lf you can make a cop laugh , they will work with you .

But you gotta really make 'em laugh .

You can't just make 'em go, Ahh .

You gotta make 'em , you know,

l made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself.

l know this 'cause he told me.

He was, like, You don't understand .

l damn near pissed myself.

And here in Bakersfield , man , it's no different, man .

l love every part of this town . l even love Oildale.

Oh , yeah .

And for everybody watching at home, going , What the hell is Oildale?

Yeehaw!

But l still love it, guys, l still love it.

But yeah , man , drinking here in town , you gotta be careful

'cause some people can handle alcohol .

You know who you are.

Some people can't.

And you have no clue.

Guys especially. You know how it goes.

We get loaded , we turn into one of three people.

We're either the l love you guy,

l hate you guy,

or the "mere" guy.

You know that guy, right?

Shh , hey!

Mere.

l know 'cause that's me.

Oh my God , l can't handle alcohol .

People, when they get drunk they say things they don't mean .

You know when l'm drunk you hear something like

Woo! l'm going running .

You better cut me off.

Aw, hell , yeah man .

And when l drink, l only drink like regular alcohol .

l don't do beer. Beer just doesn't--no.

Beer makes me talk to my body.

l don't like that.

When l get drunk on beer, l get weird .

l'm , like--

What's the matter?

Hey! You said you could hang .

Don't talk to me there!

You talkin' shit too?

[audience woos and cheers]

That's what l say. You just gotta be careful , you know.

And if you're gonna drink and you are thinking about driving ,

don't do it. lt's not a good idea 'cause like l say,

You know when you're drunk.

You're doing laps in the parking lot

and you can't find the exit. Hello?

Some of you make it out to the streets,

you know when you're drunk, you're like,

Behind you you hear--

Shut up, stupid !

lf you hear the magical sound

one of two things will pop into your head .

Either, one: l'm okay, l'm fine.

l can beat this.

Or, two:

l'm gonna go to jail .

l'm gonna go to jail ! l'm gonna go to jail !

l gotta let you go, babe. l gonna go to jail .

Tell the kids l love them . Bye.

l'm gonna tell you right now, again ,

if you can make the Police laugh , you have a chance.

lf you do get pulled over for drunk driving ,

pull over as slowly and as safely as you can .

Get over to the-- .

Now, if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail ,

okay, you're already--l'm gone.

Have a little fun .

l don't mean take off on a high speed pursuit.

No, no, no, don't do that.

'Cause you're not gonna get very far.

l mean , if you're drunk and you know you're gonna go to jail ,

and you have tinted windows--

have a little extra fun .

Take off your seatbelt,

jump over to the passenger side,

throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop.

You have no idea how bad you're gonna throw his ass off, you guys.

He's gonna come over to the driver's side with a flashlight--

And you're sitting there. . .

He was here a second ago.

l don't know where he went.

Excuse me? What??

Me drive?

Aw, hell no, l'm fucked up.

That's sad because l know some of you are gonna try it.

Let's do what the fat guy said ! Do it!

And for the record , l'm not fat. l'm Fluffy.

For those of you who still don't know,

there are five levels of fatness. Fluffy is one of the levels.

There's Big , Healthy, Husky, Fluffy,

and Damn !

I'm stiII number four.

People go, How do you know when you're number five?

Well , 'cause people will tell you .

lf you try to get on an elevator that's crowded

and people stop you and go,

Uh-uh .

Damn !

lf you go to Disneyland and little kids want to ride--you !

l wanna get on that one.

Damn .

Hey, l'm sorry, little kids are too honest, man .

They're like little alcoholics.

l love Disneyland but they're not fluffy-friendly.

They're not, man .

They care about safety, you know,

and that sucks, 'cause l could handle one bar.

One bar, l'm cool .

But now they got the whole--

lf you're fluffy, one of those is not gonna lock.

You're trying--

People are in line, You can do it!

One time l took a trip with my buddy Mondo.

A big guy, another big guy.

And l went with him because his family, they decided to go

and he didn't want to be the only one hanging out by the strollers.

So we're hanging out at the end of the day,

my buddy Mondo goes, Dude, we should get on a ride!

l go, Which one? We can't get on none of them , dude, we're too big .

He goes, there's a ride here at Disneyland that's called Splash Mountain .

l go, What is that?

He goes, lt's a log and you get inside the log

and it goes uphill , it goes down , and makes a splash .

No seatbelt, no pull-bar.

You just get in and go.

l go, No seatbelt? No pull-bar?

So we get in line for our ride, we're all pumped up,

and l see people getting off the ride with these little note cards.

l go, What are those?

He goes, oh , they take a photo of you when you go downhill .

Oh , okay, cool . So we get to the front of the line,

and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset,

the lady who takes her job way too serious.

Okay, how many people? Four? Okay. Two here, two here.

How many, five? Okay, three there, two there.

We get to the front, How many peo--?

Who cares? We get our own boat. We take off.

We're splishing and splashing like little kids--

Three minutes go by, the moment of truth , we get to the hill .

My buddy Mondo turns around , he says,

Dude, let's flash the camera.