Last Christmas

You look like you need another.

- What are you, psychic? - Look deep into my eyes.

Yeah. You're feeling very thirsty.

Oh, you are very good.

And...

- Oh, yeah, this is your favorite song. - That was so psychic.

No, that was you playing it four times in a row.

Well, love me, love George Michael. We're kindred spirits.

- How so? - We're both singers.

Uh, we're both famously misunderstood and underappreciated in our time.

All that's gonna change, 'cause tomorrow I've got a big audition for the West End.

And you, uh, came into town for it?

No, I, uh, moved out on my flatmate today.

- So, what, you're gonna move back home? - Oh, kill me now.

- Uh-oh. Family issues. - Yeah. Let me count the ways.

Uh, anger, shame, resentment, embarrassment... And that's just my mum.

- Do you want to hear about my sister? - No.

Okay, so what's your plan?

I'll figure it out, you know. It'll be fine. Something will turn up.

Or someone.

Mm.

Morning, gorgeous.

This bed, it's like sleeping on a pile of kittens.

If that thought's comfortable and not completely horrifying.

I'm gonna dash down the street.

I need some ginger root, fresh beets, for my famous breakfast power juice.

- Cool. - And a cappuccino while you wait.

Wow.

And lashings of hot water if you fancy a shower.

- Bliss. - I'll be right back.

Ah...

Surprise!

Guess who got back from the conference a day early.

God, I've missed you.

- God, who are you? - I'm the... plumber.

- The plumber? - Look, this isn't what it looks like.

- I needed a bed for the night, and he... - Ed.

Ed was just so understanding.

I have gobs of issues, all right?

Accommodation, because I've run out of options

because I've really messed up for a number of reasons.

- And he... - Ed.

Ed just seemed to get that.

Did you shag him?

Oh!

Look, you took my bag...

Ow!

Why is my life so shit?

Oh...

It's not funny, Klaus.

It's incredible how unfunny it is.

Christ.

Oh, I'm sorry, George.

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.

Hey, you're early.

You are never early. What are you up to?

Accommodation issues.

Mm. So the usual. What did you do this time?

- Fry someone's fish? - No. No, that was last week.

You are going to run out of friends with sofas.

You have been sick. You need to take care of yourself better.

- Santa, I didn't know you cared. - I don't care.

I just don't want you to drop dead in front of the customers.

I don't have enough tinsel to cover your corpse.

Get to work, Elf.

I don't know. You're gonna have to help me decide.

- They're both so darling. - I tell you what.

Let's pretend Mary had twins, and you can get both.

- You must just love your job. - Love it.

It's like being in a dream.

All the joys and the love of Christmas

every single day of the year.

- Now, which baby is it going to be? - He's gorgeous, but this one...

- He looks like he's having a lot of fun. - Oh, yeah, and a lot more to come.

But this one? Look at him. He's more like my idea of...

- Jesus Christ. - You think so too?

- Katarina. - Excuse me for just one moment. Santa!

- I need a word. - I'm at work. You could've called.

You're not answering your phone. Remember?

I've come from work. I need to get back, so get out here.

That's my analyst. So sorry. Santa, can you get down here, please?

Please? Thank you.

Santa?

Are you there?

Mum needs you to ring her.

Every time she contacts you and gets no response, she contacts me.

Yesterday, 17 times. Just do it.

Oh, don't just stand there issuing commands. I am an adult.

You are the furthest thing from an adult that I know.

I need time to myself.

I'm asking you to do a single thing, Katarina.

- It's "Kate." - Whatever. Just ring her. Contact her.

Give me one good reason.

You've missed five doctor's appointments.

You've got one tomorrow, which you know. You have to be there.

She's also planning a dinner to celebrate my promotion.

And you not ringing her is seriously affecting my life.

Will you be inviting Alba to the dinner?

Just ring your mother.

Christ.

Jenna, it's me. Listen, darling, I'm sorry to leave this message.

I just really need a bed for the night. Even possibly a few nights.

You're my bestie. Please. I know. Just...

Hey, Elf! This is my elf. Santa has elves, you know.

Little helpers.

I have nicknamed her "Lazy the Elf" because she appears never to work.

That's me.

She could also be called "Crushing Disappointment the Elf."

- I'm just... - "Waste of Payroll the Elf,"

"Bleeding Me Dry the Elf," "Why on Earth Is She Even Here the Elf."

- What? - Jesus.

- Where did you come from? - What are you looking at?

Look. There. You see it?

- Ah. - Just above the lip of the roof there.

It's quite unusual to see a bird like that in town.

Blimey.

- Oh, damn it! - Here. I think it just pooed in your eye.

Yeah, I think so.

- Good-bye, my people. - Sorry.

Ow.

- Where have you been? - Oh. A shitting bird just shat in my eye.

- Is there a bird in here? - No.

Some bloke was outside the shop playing silly buggers.

Maybe you can focus your attention

on the silly buggers inside the shop.

Oh! My phone. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry, Santa.

Yeah! Jenna? Yes!

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'll be with you around 8:00. Okay.

- Get off the phone, Elf! - Okay, I got to go. Bye.

- I'm just gonna get the shit out my eye. - Time to sparkle!

There you are, sir. Enjoy your festive hybrid Hanukkah bush.

- Merry Christmas to you. Thank you. - Thank you. Take care.

- Your mother again? - I curse the day I was born.

- Me too. - Ha. Funny, no.

I installed everything on her phone, from Snapchat to Instagram.

It means I can disappoint her in more ways than ever.

- Mothers are hell. - Oh, yeah.

Mm. Hello.

- Leave him to me. - Oh?

You'll just flirt with him, and he'll forget to buy anything.

- Hi. - How can I help you?

Wouldn't mind finding him in my stocking.

- Hi. - Ah! Hi. Hi.

- I came in to check on your eye. - It's fine.

- It's good luck, you know. - What is?

Getting pooed on by a bird.

- Bollocks is it. - No, seriously.

So I thought I'd see if you fancied a little stroll with me.

Oh, that's my luck, going for a stroll with you?

Might be.

Look, did you find me on Swiper?

- Swiper? - Yeah.

The modern dating application you might have heard of.

Oh. So not.

- To be honest, you're not really my type. - To be honest, you're not really mine.

Well, maybe we should just leave it then.

I do like a challenge though.

You considered BASE jumping?

- Japanese blowfish? - No, I have.

But right now I'm considering a stroll with you.

Consider away, because it's a no.

Is there anything I could improve upon to, say, persuade you?

- No. - Any reason in particular?

Because you're weird, this is weird, and I don't know you.

So, please, could you just leave, okay?

- Shoo. Just go. Just go. - Hold on. This is weird.

Weirder than Grabber or Swiper or whatever it's called?

Yeah.

Oh, just...

Weirder than total strangers deciding on one Photoshopped image

whether or not to engage in immediate foreplay?

I'm busy. You're weird. Good-bye.

Um...

Do you need any...

- Good evening. - Good eve...

Can I help you?

I think so.

Go on then.

What is it you were looking for?

Uh...

this.

That is very nice.