Rules of Engagement

-Jeff. -Hey.

-What's up? -Not you, sleepyhead.

I'm doing a load of whites, I need this top.

My Rangers jersey is not a top.

Fine, keep it on. I'll do the sheets next.

You suck.

What's with all the morning peppiness?

I'm just rising and shining and greeting a new day.

Audrey, there's times I've literally seen you give the sunrise the finger.

Well, that finger was attached to old Audrey.

The Audrey who was going to a job every day that was crushing her spirit.

New Audrey is excited to greet every day of her bright new future.

New Audrey's not really working for the old Jeff.

You quit your job a week ago.

What happened to taking it easy, and soul searching...

-...and finding the meaning in life? -I did all that yesterday.

Besides, I'm too excited to sleep in.

This is my new start, getting stuff done.

Laundry, I, uh, changed all the batteries in the smoke detectors.

That's what those are.

I thought those were bug zappers.

We don't have bugs.

I thought that was because of the zappers.

Hey, there's something in this for you.

I made you a big hot breakfast.

You finally broke the factory seal on that oven.

-Very funny. -I'm not kidding.

Remember that time you baked and the user's manual burst into flames?

Bacon, eggs, sausage, and French toast.

Is that powdered sugar on my French toast?

No, I crushed up one of your cholesterol pills.

That's great, but keep it all warm. I'm going back to bed. And you're coming with me.

-Heh, no, Jeff, I have too much to do. -I wasn't talking to you.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Uh, you have got the most adorable little cream cheese mustache.

-Oh, how embarrassing. -Oh, don't be embarrassed.

I'll take care of it for you.

Oh, barf.

Every morning for weeks.

Do you know how much porn I have to watch to get that image out of my head?

-Even more than usual? -Yeah, but who has that kind of time?

You know, I thought that, uh, tonight we could perhaps take in a film.

Oh, no, tonight I thought we'd have a candle light dinner.

You can make your quiche.

Or, perhaps I could grill up a steak.

Oh, I really wanted quiche.

-Oh, well, then quiche it is. Mm.

Oh, and Timmy, after quiche...

...maybe I can tie a pink ribbon around your nards.

And then we can store them in a basket of potpourri.

Ah. Mock away, sir.

Your razzing of my relationship is infinitely preferable...

...to the japes you've previously leveled at me...

...such as little foreign boy or cocoa nerd.

Heh, I'm cuckoo for cocoa nerd.

You know, being teased for dating Allison...

...actually makes me feel like one of the guys.

Well, you would be one of the guys...

...if the guys were a bunch of horny towel boys for an all gay cricket team.

Ha, that's just what I mean, sir.

Once again, my masculinity has been expertly diminished.

All gay cricket team. Excellent.

Uh-huh, that's great, Audrey.

So the heating guy is coming on the 16th.

Good. So I've got about 24 days to prepare for that.

No, I'm writing it down.

I am. I borrowed a pen from Adam.

Mm, all I have is a pencil.

My pencil.

Okay. I love you too, sweetie.

Oh, she's killing me.

I can't believe I'm married to someone who's trying to find herself.

Jen went through a period of trying to find herself.

She went vegan, stopped shaving her legs.

Ah, I remember that. And she wore shorts. She looked like a centaur.

Hey, that's my fiancée you're talking about, okay? What's a centaur?

It's like a mythical creature, half man, half horse.

Okay, we're good.

Women are out of their minds, but we got to be nice to them...

...because they control all the lady parts.

Heh, hear, hear. To women. Can't live with them...

...yet life without them represents an equally unpalatable alternative.

Am I not correct, dogs?

What's with the cocoa nerd?

Well, since he's got a girlfriend, he wants in on all the guy talk.

Oh, please be any other Audrey.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Audrey Bingham.

That's it. I'm done. Finished everything on my list.

I didn't need to quit my job. I could have just taken a day off.

Calm down. It's gonna be fine.

Really, Jeff? What am I gonna do for the rest of my life?

I got some dry cleaning that needs picking up.

I got it, Jeff. I was there when they opened.

I helped the guy unload his van.

Okay, uh, you know what? Calm down.

Why don't you just go down to the basement...

...and, uh, get a start on our storage locker?

Oh, yeah. That is a huge mess. Yes, good. I can do that.

There's no cell reception in the basement so no need to take your phone.

No, no, no. I use my phone down there all the time.

Uncool, dude.

Bros precede hos.

-Oh, hey, Audrey. -Hey. Hey, wow.

That's a lot of wine bottles. You guys have a party?

No.

You save up your recycling for a long time?

No.

Hey, so you and Adam drink a lot of wine.

Actually, Adam doesn't really like wine.

So are you cleaning out your storage locker?

Uh, yeah.

Ran out of anything else to do.

Seemed like such a good idea to quit my job...

...but I got to find some purpose for my life.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

You know, it's like Oprah says.

Sometimes, instead of finding your bliss, let your bliss find you.

You know what? You're right.

It's only been a little while. I need to stop trying so hard and relax.

Yeah, relax. Have some wine.

So I'm with that girl, the one that I've been kind of....

Yes, I believe her stage name is Destiny.

Yes. Well, ironically, Destiny was not meant to be.

So, uh, I tried to break it off with her gently last night...

...but, of course, she threw a fit, running alongside of the cab...

...pounding on the door.

Demanding a ride home or at least directions back to the city.

Oh, not surprising, sir. The ladies, they be tripping.

Take it easy, Arsenio.

You're trying to be one of the guys, not one of the black guys from 1986.

Oh, hello, there, Allison.

Mr. Dunbar and I were just enjoying some spirited guy talk.

-Guy talk? -Yes.

Yet another benefit of our relationship is entry into the ribald fraternity...

...of men dissing on their females.

Heh, I'm sure Allison doesn't want to hear about all that.

No, I would.

I've always wondered what boys talk about when they're hanging out.

It is most amusing. For example, at lunch today...

-...Mr. Bingham said of women that-- -Hey, wait, Timmy. Timmy

Uh-uh, no. You're not stealing the punch line this time.

Okay, go right ahead.

He said, "Women are out of their minds but we have to be nice to them...

...because they control all the lady parts."

Ha, such rowdy, good humor.

You see, it's funny because there's an element of truth to.... Did I say it wrong?

-No, Tim, you nailed it. -Is that what you think of women?

That we're all crazy and that we're only valued for our lady parts?

Well, the thing is, it's....

It's more the way he....

Mr. Dunbar?

Allison and I are waiting for an answer.

So you found all my old stuff from college.

Yeah, it was in the storage locker.

It looks like you were into some pretty cool stuff.

-My Chumbawamba CD. -Oh.

Oh, my God. You used to wear an earring?

That's a tiny Native American dream catcher.

Wow, chicks at the Wamba Shows must have gone nuts for that.

I did all right.

-Oh, it's Santa. -You had a Santa bank?

Were you saving up for the other earring?

Wait a minute. Could it be?

Santa's holding?

That's why he's always so jolly.

Yeah, the one at the mall did always smell like pot.

-We should get rid of it. -Absolutely.

Of course, there's different ways of getting rid of it.

What? You want to smoke it? That's not healthy.

You're cranky because we're out of wine.

Good point. I'll put a towel under the door.

I'm gonna go throw on some Wamba.

Hello, Audrey.

The sole breadwinner is home.

Hey. You want a cookie?

I come home and you greet me in an apron with a plateful of cookies?

Look who finally cracked open the suggestion box.

No, heh, when I was clearing out our storage unit...

...I found something wonderful. Have one.

You want me to eat a cookie you found in the basement?

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend your delicate palate...

...guy who ate loose Fritos he found on the subway.

Besides, I made these.

-Mm, tasty. -Yeah?

When I was down there, I found this old scrapbook...

...and there was a section with my grandmother's cookie recipes.

Wow, that old racist sure knew her way around a cookie.

Anyway, I found her recipes and started baking...

...and everything felt right.

Whatever it takes to keep the wheels from coming off the trolley.

Frankly, I thought you were going a little nuts.

I guess I don't have to...

...worry.

Any chance that's a roast?