Breeders

- Hi. - Oh.

Hello, love.

You and dad are going out for dinner later, right?

Um, yeah, we've got a table booked for 7:30.

If we were dreadful people,

we might even call it a date night.

Well, before that, there's someone coming around

who I'd like you to meet.

- Her name's Holly. - Holly. Okay, great.

And she's my girlfriend.

Hey! Hey, Ava. That's, uh, that's fantastic.

It is. I thought it was about time. Anyway, she's brilliant.

- You'll like her. - Of course we will.

Don't do anything weird, but you're gonna love her.

It's only been two weeks,

but it feels like ages... in a good way.

- Do you remember that feeling? - Just about. Yes.

Well, it's a great feeling.

Hey, hon.

- Paul, Amber alert. Amber alert. - What?

I'm pretty sure Ava just came out.

Wow!

Shit. It's happening.

Yes! She wants to introduce us to her girlfriend

before we head out tonight. Holly.

Thought you said her name was Amber.

Oh, Christ. It's good to laugh, isn't it, Paul?

Sorry. Yeah, yeah, all right.

Listen, let's not fuck this one up, shall we?

Noted. I mean, it's nice, though, isn't it?

- Nice that she's including us. - Yeah.

- Mum? - Oh, fuck.

- Hiya, love. - We're out of peanut butter.

Do we have any more? Because Holly loves peanut butter.

It's, like, one of her things.

Have you checked behind Dad's horrible chutneys?

Ooh!

You're gonna love her, Mum.

Ta-da!

- Lovely to meet ya, Ally. - Hi, Ava.

- Oh. - It's an orange. Wine.

Looks like auld piss, but tastes nothing like it, I promise.

"Auld piss." Fantastic.

That's... That's very, very kind of you. Thanks.

- I'm Siobhan. - Yes, no, yeah, of course.

Darren's told me so much about you.

- Oh, God, how much? - Tons.

In fact, I thought he might have been going

- through your bins. - Uh, Siobhan's building, uh,

actually has communal bins, so--

- So, were you guys-- - Uh, I wouldn't go through them

- even if they weren't. - No. Yeah. Um...

But were you just passing by

and you sensed that I needed some wine or...

No, we're here for dinner.

You invited us round for dinner?

Yes, but, oh, God, no, no. That's not this week.

- That's next week. - I don't think so.

Mm. Um...

Sorry.

Shit. Shit.

Yes. Oh. Susie and Chris are coming, too. Um--

Would you like us to bugger off?

No! No, no, no, no. It's fine. Come... Come on in.

I was just about to put on a massive pot of... food.

- Food? - Yeah.

One of my favorites.

Is this okay? With Holly coming?

Fine. Nice for her to meet everyone. I want this to be...

well, not a huge thing, but a big thing.

Okay. Right. Drinks.

- Can I just use your bathroom? - I can show you where it is.

Just going upstairs myself.

Right, uh, one thing. I haven't got any kids.

- Have they died? - They haven't,

but as far as Siobhan's concerned, they don't exist.

So, you haven't told Siobhan about your twin girls?

That's mad.

I just sort of panicked at the start there.

Well, how long ago was the start?

A couple of months back.

Siobhan is child-free, and the twins are,

well, you know, a strong flavor.

I think I love her, Ally.

I think I'd rather have Siobhan than the twins.

You don't mean that.

You know it's their 13th coming up? Birthday?

Do you know what they asked me for?

I thought maybe new phones, concert tickets,

but they asked me if I'd climb into a suitcase

and let them carry me around for 20 minutes.

- Jesus Christ. - I think they just wanted

to see if they could make me do it.

You know, capitulate to their will. I mean, they're 13.

- Did you do it? - Yes, of course I did it.

Oh.

Please, Ally, just for tonight, until I figure something out.

Ally!

Susie!

Oh, sorry, it's just me. Chris won't be joining us.

He's busy downloading a dating app.

I broke it off with him on Sunday evening.

Oh, God. Your busiest day and everything.

Come here.

- Oh, I got you this. - Thanks.

Oh, hey, Ava. How are you doing?

Susie, I didn't know you were coming. It's been ages!

I can't wait to tell Holly

she's about to meet Susie, the vicar.

She's heard all about you.

Really, I'd never seen anyone taller than me

struggle with the top shelf at the supermarket,

much less a man, as in, you know, a young-ish man.

And I know this is the oddest fucking thing to say out loud,

but there was just something so sweetly pathetic about him.

And here we are.

You know, like, like, in a kid's book when, say,

a crocodile makes friends with a worm.

Mm.

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry. It's just, um... Uh, won't be a tick.

What do you mean, "something urgent"?

No, sorry. It's your night with them.

I can't have the girls because I'm not at home tonight.

Okay. Right.

Well, your location app is wrong, Karen, 'cause...

yeah, I'm only near Ally's house.

I'm actually with one of the guys from Pilates.

Yeah, Julian.

Yeah, we're off out on a big session of booze.

Yeah, so don't come to Ally's.

Not come to Ally's 'cause I'm not here. There.

Just don't go to Ally--

You all right, Darren?

Mm-hmm. How do you turn off shared location on your phone?

- I have no idea. - Oh, bugger!

Are you sure you're all right

about the 40,000 descending here?

Oh, no, it's fine, honestly.

- The more, the merrier. - Okay.

I actually really want Holly to meet Susie.

I didn't know I did, but I do.

Oh.

- Hi, Holly! - But I actually upped

and changed parishes to Reading.

- Oh. - To be with Chris

and his two kids. Two of them.

I never had kids,

never wanted them, never once regretted it.

Children are not easy. Right?

So I gather, yeah.

This is very good wine.

- Where's this wine from? - Hiya!

Oh, Paul's here. Great. Good on Paul.

- Hey. - Hi.

Oh. Fuck me. What's this? Intervention?

- Yeah. - Hi, Paul.

Hey, Sue. Sorry, I won't hug you 'cause I reek a little bit.

Um, sorry. I wasn't expecting to see anyone.

- Yeah, I should have texted you. - Paul?

- This is Siobhan. - Is it?

- Mm-hmm. - Hello.

- Hi. - I cocked up like a big idiot,

got my weeks in a... in a tizz.

The... The meal out is next week,

and the meal we're hosting is now.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Brilliant. Okay. Uh, I... I need a little shower,

so I'll, um, see you folks in a bit.

Any more up there?

- Siobhan? - Yes.

Cool. Right.

Hey. Hey.

So sorry, Paul. It's my balls up, completely.

It's just a bit of a shock, that's all,

coming into a house that looks like

a fucking coach station at Christmas.

There's enough of those fuckers

- for a five-a-side. - I know.

I was really looking forward to a nice tagine as well.

- What are you cooking? - A chili. Uh, a sort of chili.

Okay.

Uh, How's Ava? This can't be the evening she was expecting.

She actually seems okay. I think she's quite

looking forward to a big coming out evening.

All right, well, I'll go and say hi

and then get rid of this man-hum.

Mm. Hang on.

Do you know what? I don't hate that.

Sorry, was that, um--

Oh, Darren hasn't told Siobhan about his kids.

- Very wise. - So, don't mention them.

Not that we ever talk about Darren's kids,

unless we want to feel better about ourselves.

Fair enough.

It's just... you know...

No, it's just that I thought that...

It's just a bit much, Ava,

like meeting your parents, their friends,

and, you know, an actual vicar, just like we're getting married.