The Freak Brothers

How are you?

Look at this shit! How are we supposed to get laid

if they won't even look up at us?

Leave it to the master.

Howdy, ladies. Uh... you are lookin' de-to-the-lish.

- Do we know you? - I know that mustache.

Are you that guy who keeps sliding into my DMs

and asking for pics of my feet?

Uh... no.

Uh, I think what my friend's driving at

is we wouldn't say no to a DM or a DP!

- Or a BM! -

What is that, breath spray? I could use some.

- Ugh. -

Can I get a hit of that breath spray too?

Theme music playing...

Episode Title: "Freak-Chella" Aired on: December 12, 2021.

Jesus! What the hell happened to you guys?

We were out trying to hit on girls

and then they napalmed us.

Yeah, uh, well. Uh, we weren't hitting on 'em.

Uh, we had a couple of drinks and tried to engage them

in polite conversation.

Not hitting on them?

You said you were desperate for the pussy.

No! No, no. No. It... it was loud in there

and you just misheard me.

I wrote it down. You said,

"My beanbag is ready to explode..."

Shut the hell up, Freddy!

Hey. Uh, whatcha reading there?

It's a book for my book club I'm hosting here.

You guys are welcome to join.

Pop-up books? Picture books? Coloring books?

- Novels. - Oh. Well, in that case

I would very much like to say, no.

Well, I'm interested, Gretch. I love books.

Oh, God, I love books.

You love books?

Ha! At the bar you said...

Seriously, shut the fuck up, both of y'all.

Gretch, I'll... I'll be there.

The San Francisco science

and technology convention!

Can't wait to see if they've made an electric typewriter

that weighs less than 40 pounds.

Imagine a woman who finds your boring stories fascinating.

Who can't wait to carry your barbells to the attic.

Who will do your taxes with one hand

while satisfying you with the other.

Ooh, ooh. A business card. And in mint condition.

- Look, Phineas! - Focus, Freddy!

It's typewriters now and then we're on

to Singer sewing machines.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the age of cybernetic companionship

has begun!

I present the "girls" of Botches!

- -

Whoa! Robot girlfriend? We should get one.

Wow, dude. Really? Because you don't even use

the blowup doll I got you.

'Cause she's had a slow leak ever since I went down on her,

that's why.

Dude, you gotta take out your retainer!

This is day-one stuff.

Come on up and meet the girls!

They're all for lease.

Oh, yeah!

- Ugh! - I'm an incel.

Hey, everyone. Can't wait to talk about today's book.

I thought we'd start with introductions

for our new members. Noah?

Hello, I'm Noah Switzer. I identify as cisgender,

heteronormative, and XY chromosome by birth.

And what did you think of the book?

- I didn't read it. - Okay.

And next we have a dear friend of mine, Joan.

Joan has a very interesting story.

- Joan? - Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski.

I'm a Virgo, I will buy anything that's fuchsia,

and I can suck off 16 guys in an hour.

Oh, sorry. I'm a sex worker.

Hey, why is everyone applauding for that chubby hooker?

Ooh, Franklin.

In today's sex positive San Francisco,

sex workers are revered and respected.

Well, sadly, revered and respected

doesn't pay the rent.

Augmented reality, virtual reality,

nobody wants a good old-fashioned meat wallet

anymore.

Damn shame! What is wrong with our society today?

Uh, Franklin? Why don't you introduce yourself?

Uh, well, I'm, uh, Freewheelin' Franklin Freak.

And how do you identify?

As a... man.

- Just a man? - Anything else?

Just a man. Just a hundred percent

red-blooded American stallion.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh.

Ooh.

Hot diggity.

Ooh.

Hey. Ya into torsion loads?

That's nice. That's nice.

I like any load that makes me twist

about my longitudinal axis.

Yes! Yes! Torsion load!

That's what I was going for!

I'm Phineas, Phineas T. Phreakears.

Hey, bartender, pour me another Chivas.

I'm Tess.

- Wow! That's quite a grip. - Whew.

You gotta check out what I left in the third stall, man.

I didn't even flush so you could see.

- And cause I never flush. - Thank you, Freddy,

but I don't think the lovely lady

is interested in your poop.

No, I think it's fascinating.

It takes a big man to make a big poop.

That's my line. I always say that.

Isn't that what I say, Phineas?

- Uh, yeah, that'll do, thanks! -

He's great. But listen,

we could talk doo-doo for hours, or, you know, we could...

you know, we could just head back

to my place. Is it hot in here?

I sense you're attempting to ask me

if I want to go home with you.

No. What? No! Well, yeah. Yes.

I mean, if it's stupid, then no.

I'd love that.

Well, can't blame a mathematician

for playing the odds.

Wait, did you say yes?

Okay, I think that's a natural breaking point.

There are raw carob stevia brownies

and turmeric shots in the kitchen.

What?

I saw you manspreading in there.

Legs wide open like you own the whole fuckin' room.

You pig.

Uh, I beg your pardon?

I'm gonna give you what you deserve.

Oh. Don't spray me in the face!

Just try and stop me!

That's the thing about homosapiens.

Their love making is barbaric.

A real fucking man. Call me a woman.

You're a woman.

No subtlety. No ramp up.

She didn't even sniff his asshole.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Take me, man ape. Take me.

You speakin' the truth there, brother dog.

How you know you were hookin' up with,

- who you... If you... -

We're mothafuckin' high, ain't we?

As a kite, dear friend.

- Whoa. Uh, sorry. -

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Uh. Interrupt? Heck. No.

I was just giving the lady a tour of the place.

Did you say there were turmeric shots?

The durn shower rod just collapsed on us.

I gotta head down to Ace Hardware,

pick up a couple dry-wall anchors.

It's a safety issue.

Just lock the door next time.

Oh. She must have just dropped those.

- During the tour! -

You're the first real man I've met in this town

in 20 years. Here's my number.

Well, mi... mighty kindly of you.

Whoa.

Ooh. Easy, darling.

You walk around hard as a three-day-old biscotti.

Gimme a ring if you wanna dunk it in my mug.

Book club is cool.

Hello, losers! This is Tess. She's with me!