The 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Announcer: Live from the star-filled international

ballroom of the Beverly Hilton hotel, welcome to the 69th

Annual Golden Globe Awards.

And now, your host for the evening, ladies and gentlemen,

Ricky Gervais!

Oh, so, where was I?

Nervous?

Don't be.

This isn't about you.

Right.

Hello.

I'm Ricky Gervais.

And welcome to the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from

the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles.

Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

Tonight you get Britain's biggest comedian hosting the

world's second biggest awards show on America's third biggest network.

It's fourth.

It's fourth.

For any of you that don't know, the Golden Globes are just like

The Oscars but without all that esteem.

The Golden Globes are to The Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to

Kate Middleton actually.

What?

A bit louder.

A bit trashier.

A bit drunker.

And more easily bought.

Allegedly.

Nothing's been proved.

But who needs The Oscars?

Not me.

I'm not Eddie Murphy.

He walked out on them.

He said no and good for him.

But when the man who said yes to Norbit says no to you, you know

you're in trouble.

I love Eddie Murphy.

He loves dressing up, doesn't he?

Versatile.

He's versatile.

No, he is.

A bit of trivia for you actually.

Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, between them, played all the

parts in the movie "The Help."

Isn't that brilliant?

They were brilliant.

I can't believe they're not here.

Or maybe they are.

They're masters of disguise.

They could be.

Now, the Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult

any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or cause any

controversy whatsoever, they'll definitely invite me back next

year as well.

They actually gave me a list of rules.

I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read

them out.

This is real.

Okay?

No profanity.

That's fine.

I've got huge vocabulary.

No nudity.

See, that's a shame because I've got a huge-- Vocabulary.

But a tiny penis.

True.

It doesn't matter.

It works.

Don't worry about it.

It's fine.

No innuendo.

I'm not to lie about anyone.

And I mustn't mention Mel Gibson.

His private life, his politics, recent films and especially not

Jodie Foster's "Beaver".

I haven't seen it myself.

I have spoken to a lot of guys here.

They haven't seen it either, but that doesn't mean it's not any good.

Sorry.

I don't care.

It's been an amazing year in show business.

It's not all been good news.

What's with all the divorces?

What's going on?

I mean, Arnold and Maria, J.Lo and Marc Anthony, Ashton

Demi, Kim Kardashian and someone I don't remember.

He wasn't around long.

72 days.

A marriage that lasted 72 days.

I've sat through longer James Eron acceptance speeches than that.

Other celebrity scandal?

Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test.

What a waste of a test that would have been.

No.

He's not the father.

The only way that he could have impregnated a girl was if he

bothered one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters.

Open wide.

It's been a big year for women in film.

"Bridesmaids," one of my favorite comedies of the year, yeah.

The girls finally proved that they can be as raunchy as the men.

Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even

pooping in the sink.

I actually heard that the cast spent a week with dame Helen Mirren.

She's dreadful, honestly.

You don't see it because she's got good PR, but she's off the rails.

But the Golden Globes aren't just about movies.

It also celebrating the best in TV as well.

New shows like the amazing "Homeland" which is just-- it's amazing.

And returning shows like "Boardwalk Empire."

I love that show.

It's great.

It's about a load of immigrants who came to America about a

hundred years ago and they got involved in bribery and corruption

and they work their way up into high society.

But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press.

I'm joking.

I love them.

And they're good sports for inviting me back.

They do an awful lot for charity and they're nonprofit

organization just like NBC.

Should we get on with it?

This time last year our first presenter was the biggest movie

star on the planet.

His film "The Tourist" causing his career to plummet so far

that he was forced to work with me on my new show "Life's Too

Short" which premieres on HBO on February 19th.

Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim

Burton tells him to, Johnny Depp.

I want to ask you a question.

It's real.

Just checking.

Yeah.

And be honest.

What?

Are you on recreational drugs?

I'm joking.

That's not the question.

We all know the answer.

Ready?

I guess so.

Have you seen "The Tourist" yet?

Have you?

No.

Oh, boy, he's fun.

All right.

A young orphan named Hugo, who lives in a train station in

1930s Paris, tries to complete his father's most ambitious

project and becomes involved in a grand mystery involving an

older man with a legendary past.

Directed with amazing skill by Martin Scorsese and nominated

for three Golden Globes, here is the first of tonight's films

nominated for best drama.

This is "Hugo."

What's your name, boy?

Hugo Cabret.

If you've ever wondered where your dreams come from, this is

where they're made.

My life has taught me happy endings only happen in the movies.

The story's not over yet.

I am standing before you tonight because of one very

brave young man.

Announcer: Please welcome the star of "Coriolanus," Gerard

Butler and from the upcoming movie "Ted," Mila Kunis.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to the only awards show where the only thing worse than

not hearing your name as a nominee is hearing your name from the host.

Touche.

Here are the nominees for best supporting actor in a motion picture.

As acting legend sir Laurence Olivier, Kenneth Branagh, "My

Week With Marilyn."

As the mob boss who funds a racecar for a getaway driver,

Albert Brooks, "Drive."

As the Yale graduate whose ideas help turn the Oakland A's

into winners, Jonah Hill, "Moneyball."

As Sigmund Freud, Viggo Mortensen, "A Dangerous Method."

As the older widower finally revealing his sexuality,

Christopher Plummer, "Beginners."

And the Golden Globe goes to--

Christopher Plummer, "Beginners."

Yeah.

Well, what a wonderful welcome back to the home of King

Kong, rin tin tin and all our youthful fantasies.

Thank you so much, Foreign Press Association.

Thank you.

I must praise on my distinguished competitors for

whom I have the greatest admiration and to whom I

apologize most profusely.

And I want to salute my partner Ewan that Wily Scot, Ewan "My

Heart's In The Highlands" McGregor.

That scene-stealing swine.

From the outer hebrides.

Also, a 21-gun salute goes to Michael Mills.

Whose talent and wisdom made "Beginners" such a humanly enchanting story.

Of course the rest of the family.

Including my favorite Cosmo the dog and the producing team of Leslie Ordang

and Miranda Deponcier.

And my friends here and angels scattered all over L.A., I wish

to thank Lou Pitts, Carter Cohen, Pippa Markham and Perry