Ugly Americans

Finding someone to share your life with can seem like a never-ending quest.

But true love is worth fighting for.

Other types of love... not so much.

I'm sorry, Victoria. I thought I had it there.

Just not good at the sex.

Is it because I find you repellant in every way?

No, that's actually a huge turn-on.

It's just sort of hard to be intimate...

with him staring at us like that.

Look, you two have 72 hours to mate,

or Victoria goes back to the London Zoo...

and you both go extinct.

Now, get !

Sexy fruit time.

Yeah, that's right.

Pass that orange.

Okay.

Now a deep, wet kiss.

Ugh, I wouldn't snog that bloke...

with a three-meter pole.

Okay, well, let's talk about it.

Why aren't you two turned on?

Basically, we are disgusted by each other.

He's as repulsive as the Queen's bum.

Everyone's hideous naked.

You get in, fire away, get out. That's sex.

Well, I think what we need to do...

is change the mood here.

Start from a place of calm.

We're taking all deep, sensual breath,

down, down, down.

Yeah, exhaling. Good.

Should we be here for this?

Who dareth bring a dragon into my realm of employment?

Ah!

Put it out.

I'm burning in here.

Leonard, stay calm.

Doug, you're in charge 'til I get back.

I'm going to get aloe.

Now, where does Leonard keep the aloe?

White-out.

Unwrapped condoms.

What is this?

Mark?

Why does this have my name on it...

in such a girlish font?

Oh!

So small and shiny.

Ah, no harm in trying it on.

Hello!

Mark, I just wanted to make sure...

you weren't looking for the aloe in my drawer of secrets.

The drawer of what now?

The ring. You're wearing my ring.

But it says "Mark" on it.

Oops.

I'm gonna...

Aah! Stop it!

Very well, Mark.

I will stop it.

Okay, good to be heard. Wow.

Why do you have an engagement ring in your desk anyway?

It's a long story that would best be told at a bookstore.

You see, Mark, three centuries ago,

I made the biggest mistake of my life:

Proposing to the wizard princess Beatrice,

the wealthy heiress to the Bedfellow throne.

Mm-hmm.

I'd been able to "put it on ice"...

until you put on that stupid ring...

and activated the marriage countdown!

Well, deactivate it. Get this thing off my finger.

Wait. It's stuck on you?

Is that...bad?

Not for me. It just means that, uh...

That you're the best man.

Yeah, that works.

Everything you need to know is in this book.

Oh, great, it's not enough...

that I have to convince two dragons to mate.

Now I have to plan your wedding too?

Hey, on the plus side,

you just obtained the power of influence.

That's cool, huh?

Wh-what's the power of influence?

You want to go for drink and friendship talk?

With you, three's never a crowd.

Yeah.

Pants!

Looks kind of cheap for a magic ring.

Why don't you watch where you're going?

I will, if you promise to have a great day.

I promise...

I will have a great day.

Hmm.

Could that have been the power of influence?

Excuse me, sir. Turn that frown upside down.

Whoa. It was.

It was the power of influence.

Let's do a ltle damage.

You, admit you have a problem.

Now everybody dance!

Did you read that entire thing?

I don't sleep, Mark.

Reading kills time, and it keeps me off the streets.

Uh, B.T. Dubs, according to this,

the person who wears the ring is the one getting married.

Also, I can see your entire schlong right now.

Oop, right you are.

Leonard's flaky, but he would've told me if that was the case.

Well, of course, why wouldn't you trust a known liar?

Hey, do you have any idea why all these people...

have been dancing outside our apartment for ten hours?

Oh, dear God.

Everybody, stop dancing!

- She's dead! - I can't feel my arms!

My socks are filled with blood!

Number eight, please.

Oh, the old "put it on ice" bell.

She'll thaw out in a day or two.

Oh, is she dead?

No, no, no, no, no.

Well...I don't know.

My spells only have a 30% success rate.

Here we go.

She's even uglier than I remember.

She's the most hideous thing I've ever seen.

Mark, look away, quickly.

Wow.

Huckle buckle beanstalk.

Mark, avert your eyes.

Her beastly face has driven you mad.

Well, I don't think Beatrice is the only one suffering...

from a case of cold feet.

I command you all to laugh at that.

And that's how you do intercourse.

Oh, is that how Americans shag?

Looks a tad wonky.

Lead by example.

It's how my mother and her boyfriend Wayne taught me.

We should talk about that.

Oh, hello, Mr. Appleby.

We were just working on an ancient mating ritual.

We only got the female on loan through the week's end, Grimes.

Get on it!

I hate to do this,

but I'm gonna have to order you two to Hard.

Hard as you can.

Okay, it's in.

Hey, look at that. Grimes' instruction worked.

Now, Mr. Appleby, compliment his coaching skills.

Grimes,

for your tireless intercourse work,

I bestow upon you...

the title of Central Park Zoo dragon bone master.

Ha!

I only respond to negative reinforcement.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

my blow-up doll and I have tickets to the ballet.

I've got a major presentation coming up in Hell,

and I find out from Randall that you're getting married.

Leonard's the one getting married.

I'm just the best man.

You've got 200 feet before I release my talons.

Callie, I order you to be nice.

Yes, Mark, I really should be nicer.

Is that Doug?

I think I understand the tears better now.

Oh, my stars.

You poor thing.

Storekeep, how much is that koala-man in the window?

That should keep her busy for a while.

Fellow demons,

welcome to Evil-con 2011.

My daughter, Callie, will kick things off...

by detailing how hell is going to sabotage the green movement.

Be sure to stick around afterwards...

for the comedic stylings of Dane Cook.

Darling. Well, thank you, daddy.

But I'd rather use this opportunity...

to make an announcement.

I've gone good.

- Hmm? - Huh?

I'm rededicating my life...

to the care of a koala-person in need.

His name is Doug, and I've adopted him as my own.

He's my everything, my raison d'etre.

And so, with a heart full of love,

I bid you a good day, gentlemen.

Mwah!

I'm going to need you to kill Callie for me.

- I'm sorry? - Appearances, Twayne.

I can't have word getting out...

my only daughter isn't a psychopath.

You'll understand when you're a father.

You have 72 hours, 'kay? Super, thanks.

Yeah, put it everywhere.

Not there, not there.

Look at that old !