Anger Management

So how are we feeling today?

Yeah, you look trashed,

like you were out all night

guzzling alcohol and killing all your brain cells.

I'm so jealous.

Where were you, a rave, a club?

The Fryman Bar Mitzvah.

You got wasted at a Bar Mitzvah?

Yeah. They shut down

the hotel rooftop lounge that I was at,

so I went to the party downstairs

and drank the "Bar" out of Bar Mitzvah.

So, who wants to start?

Oh, I got some good news.

When I was eight, I started sponsoring

a poor African kid for $11 a month,

and now, after all these years,

he's coming to visit me.

God, I wonder what America looks like

to someone who grew up

completely out of touch with the modern world.

Oh, I don't know.

Tell us, Ed.

I know what the modern world looks like,

and I bet you that kid's scamming you

like that Nigerian Prince on the Internet

or that Kenyan in the White House.

Well, I think it's great.

I once sponsored a girl from Amsterdam,

but that was more of a webcam thing.

I'm serious, Charlie.

Everybody's busy scamming everybody else.

My wife and I just got ripped off

by a therapist who said he could fix our marriage

in one weekend for 500 bucks.

That's insane.

You can't fix a marriage in a weekend.

You can destroy a marriage in a weekend.

Pfft. I've done that.

Does this guy even have a license?

Oh, Dr. Randy's got a license,

but as soon as he gets you up there,

he starts charging you more and more for psychic readings.

What the hell? That's totally

against the A.P.A. ethics code.

By the time I was finished,

I was out $3,000,

and I still don't have my wife back.

There's nothing lower than a therapist

who takes advantage of people

in vulnerable situations.

I do this for a living.

I take it very seriously.

This from the man who made us

turn off all the lights and fight each other with lightsabers.

Well, that was about controlled confrontation

and fighting fair

and a little about who would rule the universe.

Wow, that was amazing.

I've never had sex on a coffee table before.

Yeah, well, I've never had sex

on a pile of "O" magazines before, so we're even.

Hey, tomorrow, you want to see

if you can get off work so we can have a nooner

that lasts till, like, I don't know, like, 6:30?

There's a game on that I want to see.

Oh, well, I would love to,

but I have a ton of work to do,

and there's no way Charlie will pick up the slack.

Unless he thought the slack would have sex with him.

- Who is it? - It's Charlie.

One second. It's Charlie. Go hide.

Oh, screw that. Why don't we just tell him what we're doing?

He teases me enough for being a prude.

I can't imagine what he'll say

if he finds out I'm hooking up with you.

I don't want him to think I'm some dirty little tramp.

But you are.

I know. Shh. That's our secret.

Hey. Sorry. You weren't answering your phone.

Well, look at you all dressed to the ones.

I'm getting ready to go to bed, Charlie.

Look, Ed got ripped off

by some cheese-ball psychic therapist,

so my plan is to go to his retreat,

get a bunch of evidence on the guy,

and then get his license revoked.

Yeah, yeah, the world is full of crooks.

Life's unfair. Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, but... but I need your help.

This guy's retreat only works with couples.

You can even bring your blankie.

Are you crazy?

I am not going to pretend to be a couple with you.

Oh, come on. We'll be helping a lot of people.

We'll be like the Bonnie and Clyde of psychology.

Bonnie and Clyde didn't help people.

They robbed banks and were killed

in a hail of bullets.

They were good-looking people.

They got their own movie. End of story.

Come on, just do this with me.

Fine, but if I agree to do this,

you have to be okay with me taking

a couple of afternoons off next week,

say from noon to 6:30.

Fine, whatever you want.

And just to be clear, I'm not gonna hug you, hold your hand,

or otherwise show you any signs of affection.

Great. Add not talking to me on the car ride up there,

and you got yourself a deal.

Couples yoga is upstairs.

Dr. Randy does his therapy sessions on the first floor,

and this is your room.

Okay.

Um...

where's the other bed?

Dr. Randy believes that no matter

how difficult things may be,

you should share the same bed.

I don't think you understand.

We don't even share the bed when we're happy.

I suffer from night terrors,

mostly about being in bed with her.

Dr. Randy will work on that tomorrow.

Stay open to love.

I will if you will.

You're flirting with another woman

when you're married to me?

I'm sorry.

You're a frigid shrew,

and I'm a man with needs.

Okay, so we're stuck with one bed.

We're adults. We can get through this.

Exactly.

I'll take the bed,

and you can sleep in my car.

Look, we're going to share the bed.

As long as you wear pajamas.

Fine. Do you have pajamas?

Of course I do.

Well, it looks like I'm wearing yours.

Okay, here's the plan.

We make it very clear that nothing will solve our marital issues,

short of his psychic crapola.

- Got it. - Just stick to the story.

We've been married for 10 years,

and after we had a kid, we stopped doing it.

Yeah, you know, I been thinking about that,

and I don't think it's right

to blame Finn for our sexual problems.

Finn?

Our son's name is Jack.

I like Finn.

Finn sounds like a guy who brings

an acoustic guitar to parties.

Exactly.

I like those guys.

Fine. You can have Finn,

just like you had all the covers last night.

You had the air turned down to 50 degrees.

I was trying to cryogenically freeze your body

so you'd stop thrashing.

Mr. and Mrs. Barrow.

I am Dr. Randy.

Please, sit down. Sit down.

Everything my spirit is, was,

or ever will be welcomes you.

Thank you, Doctor. I'm Charlie.

This is my wife Jordan, who is, was,

and ever will be a pain in my ass.

He tried to freeze me to death last night,

and he wears women's pajamas,

sometimes in front of Finn.

Who's... who's Finn?

Finn is our son, who wants to play baseball,

but she keeps making him take

acoustic guitar lessons.

Because he is a terrible baseball player,

just like his father.

Oh, yeah? Well, Finn isn't even our son's real name.

It's Jack. Finn is her cousin

she lost her virginity to when she was a teenager.

- I-I can't believe... - Now, ah-ah-ah-ah.

Sounds like you two have some serious problems.

Which is why we need everything you've got.

We heard that you can fix us in a weekend. Is that true?

Absolutely.

Well, great. That's great.

And we are open

to any weird thing that you want.

What did you have in mind?

Anything. Anything weird, crazy,

weird.

Okay, but what I'd like to do right now

is have you two fill out these questionnaires

to test your sexual compatibility.

He'll finish before me. He always does.

That's because I just want to go watch TV.

At least the pictures on that thing move a little.