Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Good morning, Quark.

Couldn't believe it. Lisa told Janet

that Paul asked Barbara to ask me if I had a date to the dance.

No. They broke up for religious differences.

She thought she was God and he disagreed.

Yeah, this afternoon around five.

- (QUARK BARKS) I'm meeting him at the mall.

I don't know. Maybe. Yeah.

Oh, I can't.

I've got to hang around awhile and keep an eye on Nick.

He likes to take things apart.

Well, that's why I watch it at your house.

Things will cool off after today.

Dad has his big "show and tell" at the lab.

Zap!

It works! It really works! - Nick, get real.

The subject... has disappeared.

No, no, it's not that.

No.

Mom and Dad had an argument last night,

and Mom spent the night at Grandma's.

I think she needed a rest.

Right. Her and me both.

Yeah, okay.

Okay. Bye.

Amy... when's Mom coming home?

She's working, Nick. She'll be home this afternoon.

If only Dad could get that machine to work.

Breakfast.

I need a couple of minutes here.

"I'll be down in five minutes."

Typing with his gloves on again.

Oh, no, not again!

Who does he think he is, Mister Wizard?

Szalinski, give it a rest! It's Saturday!

It's construction, honey.

You of all people should understand that.

Yeah, but I want some sleep.

We got a four-hour drive ahead of us.

And I think he should have some consideration for other people.

- (GROANS) Give the guy a break. - (CRASH)

I'll give him a break.

I'll break his arm!

Honey!

(SHOUTS) Szalinski!

- You're much bigger than he is. - Szalinski!

- Honey, can't we-- Hold it, Dad.

Don't move.

- Ron, what are you doing? - Defending the backyard, Dad.

That's my fishing rod!

Dad, no! - (THUD)

- (RUSS GROANS) - Dad!

Am I bleeding?

Honey, it's rubber.

- Dad, I told you not to move. - What's on this thing?

- Super Glue. - Super Glue?

Gotta mark those trespassers, Dad.

I'm not a trespasser. I'm your father!

Better wash it off quick, hon.

It's taking the skin off. I'll talk to you later.

- What's with this kid? - He's 12.

Attila the Hun was 12 once, too, you know.

Oh, come on!

He's sounding.

- (SCREAM) - (GLASS SHATTERS)

Weird family.

Dad?

Look, I finished mine.

- Looks just like yours, huh? - That's great, Nick.

You know, Dad, I was calculating.

If you took all the molecules in this house--

Listen, Nick, I gotta get this thing working before I leave.

Why don't you help your sister?

- (ZAPPING) - (HISSING)

Stay back, boy.

If this thing works,

this'll put us right up there with the invention of electricity,

- the first man in space. - (BARKING)

First dog in space.

Come on! Shrink!

Shrink!

Please, please, shrink.

Shrink!

On the other hand,

we've come up with an interesting way of making applesauce.

You got it, honey.

- Sure? - Positive.

You're wiping away brain cells, and there aren't many to spare.

Everybody in my family's a comedian.

Everybody except you, hon.

Darn right.

Well, look who's decided to join the land of the living.

And is Russell ready for his big fishing trip?

Not really, Dad.

Not really?

There's a big fish out there with your name on it.

Fishing's your thing, Dad, not mine.

- What's the matter with him? - Shh!

What do you mean "shush"?

I see nothing wrong with wanting to take my son fishing.

Russel, I shouldn't be telling you this,

but he was cut from the football team yesterday.

- What? - Honey, please!

What he doesn't need right now is to hear from you.

He needs something.

- When I was his age, I was cap-- - Captain of the team.

And if my father wanted me to go on a fishing trip,

- I would've been-- - Been grateful.

Russ, he is too small for football.

- He is not too small for football! - Too small!

Shh! Honey, when you say things like that,

you make him feel about this big.

If he wants to feel big, he should act big.

Elbows up.

What's the matter with you?

I am on a special diet.

- No toxic waste. - Fine.

Here, Quark.

Eat it, Dad, before it gets cold.

Mmm, did you get the machine to work?

Yeah.

A few more bugs to get out, but...

What about the conference?

- (CLOCK MEOWS) - (QUARK BARKS)

Jeez, the conference. I gotta get going.

Dad! Dad, wait.

Dad!

If Mom calls, tell her I'll be home by lunchtime.

Dad, don't forget my dress from the cleaners,

- Nick's allergy pills-- - It's all in my head. Don't worry.

Wish me luck!

I need luck getting out of this door.

House of Insanity.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Mom.

Nick, go get Dad.

He's just leaving for the conference.

Dad, it's Mom.

- Where? - On the phone!

Oh.

How did everything go this morning?

Boy, did we miss you.

I missed you too, honey.

Did Paul Tate ask you to the dance?

I think he's going to.

I'm gonna meet him at the mall later today.

- Here's Dad. - Thanks.

- Hiya. - Hi.

Nick!

I called to wish you the luck at the conference.

Look, Diane,

if things go well this morning,

everything will change around here, I promise you.

Okay. I have a house to show,

and then I'll be home this afternoon and we'll talk.

Good luck today.

Thanks. Bye, honey.

- What time is Mom coming home? - Later.

Listen, we got to make this place spick and span. Okay?

Nick, I want you to mow the lawn. Amy...

Good luck.

I'm helping my dad with this real important new invention.

So, um...

I... I'll let you mow half my yard.

No, thanks.

Wow! With that?

Yeah!

And... this.

Oh, it's a remote control!

- (MOTOR WHIRRING) - Tell you what.

You throw in... a box of cookies, I'll let you cut the whole thing.

Oh, but I have to go and meet Newt right now.

Uh, could I do it later?

I don't think so, because, you know,

- my dad's gonna come home and... - Aw, come on!

Okay. Don't be too late.

Okay, thanks.

No problem.

See you later!

Nothing like a hard day's work.

French fries,

Tater sticks,

meat loaf,

veal "parmedjian."

Hey, Dad. Wanna go play some baseball?

Hmm, baseball...

No.

I gotta load the camper, Ron. I'm busy.