Doctor Who

The Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire. Every fact beams out from here.

That's what I call power. 600 channels coming out of Satellite Five, broadcasting everywhere.

This technology's wrong.

Trouble? Oh, yeah.

This is not the Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire.

Humans are allowed to live here by kind permission of my client.

Who controls Satellite Five?

The Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe.

You mean that thing's in charge of Satellite Five?

Once you go to Floor 500, you never come back.

You'll have to stay and explain it, no-one's gonna believe me.

Oh, they might start believing a lot of things now.

The human race should accelerate. All back to normal.

What is it? What's happening?

Oh, my God!

I don't believe it, why did they put you in there?

They never said you were coming!

What happened? I was. . .

Careful now, oh. . .

Oh, mind yourself!

Oh, that's the transmat, it scrambles your head. I was sick for days.

You all right?

So. . .what's your name, then, sweetheart?

The Doctor, I think, I was. . .

I don't know what happened!

You got chosen.

Chosen for what?

You're a housemate! You're in the house! Isn't that brilliant?

That's not fair, we've got eviction in five minutes!

I've been here for all nine weeks, I've followed the rules,

I haven't had a single warning, and he comes swanning in!

If they keep changing the rules, I'm gonna protest, I am.

I'm gonna paint the walls.

'Would the Doctor please come to the Diary Room?'

You are live on Channel 44, 000.

Please do not swear. You have GOT to be kidding.

Oh. . .

Ah. . .

What happened? It's all right.

It's the transmat.

It does your head in, you get a bit of amnesia.

What's your name?

Rose. But. . .where's the Doctor?

Just remember, do what the android says.

Don't provoke it.

The android's word is law.

What do you mean, android? Like a robot?

Positions, everyone, thank you!

Come on, hurry up! The contestants are in place,

the cameras. . . Oh, steady!

I was travelling,

with the Doctor and a man called Captain Jack?

The Doctor wouldn't just leave me.

That's enough chat!

Positions! Final call. Good luck.

But I'm not supposed to be here. It says Rose on the podium.

Come on.

Hold on. . .

I must be going mad.

It can't be, this looks like. . . Android activated!

Oh, my God, the android. . .

The An. . .droid.

Welcome. . .to the Weakest Link!

Here we go again. We've got our work cut out for us.

I don't know, he's sort of handsome. Good lantern jaw.

Lantern jaws are so last year.

Sorry. . . Nice to meet you, ladies, but where exactly am I?

We're giving you a brand new image.

Hold on, I was with the Doctor. . .

Why, is there something wrong with what I'm wearing?

It's all very 20th century, where did you get that denim?

A little place in Cardiff, it was called. . .the Top Shop.

Ah, design classic!

We're gonna have to find you some new colours,

maybe get rid of that Oklahoma farm boy thing you've got going.

Just stand still and let the defabricator work its magic.

What's a defabricator?

OK, defabricator. Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?

Absolutely!

Ladies. . .your viewing figures just went up.

I can't open it. It's got a deadlock seal, ever since Big Brother 504 when they all walked out.

You must remember that. What about this?

Oh, that's exoglass, you'd need a nuclear bomb to get through. Don't tempt me.

I know you're not supposed to talk about the outside world, but you must've been watching.

Do people like me? Lynda, Lynda with a Y, not Linda with an I,

she got forcibly evicted cos she damaged a camera. Am I popular?

I don't remember. Oh, but does that mean I'm nothing?

Some people get this far just cos they're insignificant. Doesn't anybody notice me?

No, you're nice, you're. . .sweet.

Everybody thinks you're sweet. Oh, is that right? Is that what I am?

No-one's ever told me that before.

Am I sweet? Really?

Yeah, dead sweet.

Thank you.

It's a wall. Isn't there supposed to be a garden out there?

Don't be daft, no-one's got a garden any more! Who's got a garden?

Don't tell me you've got a garden!

No, I've just got the Tardis.

I remember. That's the amnesia! So what happened, where did they get you?

We'd just left Raxacoricofallapatorius and then we went to Kyoto, that's right,

Japan in 1336, and we only just escaped. We were together and we were laughing and then. . .

there was this light,

this white light coming through the walls, and then. . .

I woke up here.

Yeah, that's the transmat beam, that's how they pick the housemates.

Oh, Lynda with a Y. . .

Sweet little Lynda.

It's worse than that.

I'm not just some passing traveller.

No stupid little transmat gets inside my ship.

That beam was 15 million times more powerful, which means. . .this isn't just a game.

There's something else going on.

Well, here's the latest update from the Big Brother house.

I'm getting out,

I'm gonna find my friends. . .

and then I'm gonna find you.

Need a word. Hold on.

Let me finish this. 19, 18. . .

17, 16, 15. . .

Thank you, people, transmitting in. . .

12, 11, 10. . .

But I need to find the Doctor. Just shut up and play the game!

All right, then. . .what the hell?

I'm gonna play to win!

And. . .cue.

Let's play the Weakest Link!

Start the clock. Agorax, the name of which basic foodstuff is an anagram of the word "beard"?

Bread. Correct.

Fitch, in the Pantraffic Calendar, which month comes after Hoob?

Is it. . .Clavadoe?

No, Pandoff. Rose, in maths, what is 258 minus 158? 100.

Correct. Rodrick. Bank!

Which letter of the alphabet appears in the word "dangle"

but not in the word "gland"?

E. Correct.

Colleen, in social security, what

Correct. Broff, the Great Cobalt Pyramid is built on the remains of which famous old Earth institute?

Touchdown. No, Torchwood.

Agorax, in language, all five examples of which type of letter

appear in the word facetious? Vowels.

Correct. Fitch, in biology, which blood cells contain iron - red or white?

Erm. . .

White. No, red.

Rose, in the holovid series Jupiter Rising, the Grexnik is married to whom?

How should I know?

Why is she laughing?

Rodrick, in maths. . .

Oh, my God, I think she knows.

And I've got a housemate who appeared out of nowhere.

I told you. It's like the game's running itself.

It's the buccaneer look - a little a dash of pirate and just a tweak of President Schwarzenegger.

I'm not sure about the vest, what about a bit of colour to lift it?

Absolutely not, never wear black with colour.

Now, let's talk jackets.

I kinda like the first one.

No, that's a bit too much Hell's Angel, I think I like the shorter one.

Look, waist-length, nice and slimming, shows off the bum.

Works for me. Once we've got an outfit, we can look at the face.

Ever thought about cosmetic surgery?

I've considered it. A little lift around the eyes, tighten up the jaw line. What do you think?

Oh, let's have a bit more ambition!

Let's do something. . .cutting edge.

So, Rose, what do you actually do?

I just travel about a bit, a bit of a. . .tourist, I suppose.

Another way of saying unemployed? No.

Have you got a job? Well, not really, no, but. . .

Then you ARE unemployed, and yet you've still got enough money to buy peroxide. Why Fitch?

I think she got a few of the questions wrong, that's all. And you'd know all about that.

Well, yeah, but I can't vote for myself, so it had to be Fitch.

I'm sorry, that's the game, that's how it works.

I had to vote for someone.

Let me try again, it was the lights and everything, I couldn't think.

In fact, with three answers wrong, Broff was the weakest link in that round, but it's votes that count.

I'm sorry, please. . .

Oh, God, help me!

Fitch, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

And we've gone to the adverts, back in three minutes!

What was that? What just happened?

She was the weakest link, she gets disintegrated.

Blasted into atoms.

But I voted for her!

Oh, my God, this is sick!

All of you, you're just sick! I'm not playing this! I'm not playing!

I. . .I can't do it!

Oh, please, somebody let me out!

You are the weakest link.

Goodbye.

Don't try to escape.

It's play. . .or die.

Doctor, they said all housemates must gather on the sofa, you've got to.

I'm busy getting out, thanks.

But if you don't obey, then all the housemates get punished.

Well, maybe I'll be voted out, then.

How stupid are you? You've only just joined, you're not eligible.

Don't try anything clever or we all get it in the neck.

Big Brother house, this is Davina-droid.

Crosbie, Lynda and Strood, you have all been nominated for eviction.

And the eighth person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is. . .

Crosbie! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!