Melissa & Joey

Joey: "Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Joe, the blood and guts on the front porch

look disgusting!

Great job!

Thank you, honey. And I've actually saved my most traumatizing work

for right here in this living room, because underneath those sheets,

i am building the most blood-curdling,

terrifying mechanical monster this neighborhood--

no, actually all of northeast Toledo, has ever seen.

Mm-hmm. Is this about those kids last year

that looked at your decorations and went, "yo,

check out the douche-o-lantern"?

I don't care what those kids think, all right?

this year they'll be peeing in their pants.

Oh, good, that's just what the front porch is missing--

the pungent scent of fear pee.

So when are you going to unveil this super-scary creation of yours?

don't--- don't say it like that.

- Say what like what? - ( High voice ) "Super scary."

Like, you just put quotes around it,

like you don't think i can actually scare people.

Look, i know you can scare people.

I've seen you talk to smokers in restaurants.

So when do i get to look under that?

All right, okay. Stand over here.

Ready? Meet...

Scary Larry. Huh?!

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Prepare to be terrified.

I'm going to...

What? You're gonna what?

Yeah, you're right, Joe. The suspense is terrifying.

"I'm gonna hack you to bits." The hatchet's supposed to go up and then swoosh down.

Batteries must be dead.

Well, maybe next time you should get undead batteries.

Like that doorbell, don't you?

I love the doorbell!

Dr. radler.

Hello, Mel.

Uh, Joe, this is Dr. radler, my gynecologist,

who's here at our house for some reason.

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah, same here.

Oh, I'm sorry. don't mind the hatchet.

I'm actually just holding it for a friend.

So why the house call?

Yeah, is Mel okay?

Oh, yes, it's nothing to worry about.

It's not a professional call,

just a little catch-up between women.

Just because I've seen your cervix doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Just to be clear, i don't need to see your cervix

in order to be friends.

I'm gonna get out of here before this conversation gets weird--

it's too late, though.

Mel, it's time you knew--

I'm not a real gynecologist.

What?! Wait wait wait wait wait.

So that wasn't actually an i.U.D.?

- That's not important. - I beg to differ!

I've been watching over you in various guises

ever since you were a teenager.

But now it's time you knew the truth.

Mel Burke, you are a great and powerful witch.

Me?

¶ I guess you're stuck with me. ¶

I'm a witch? Like a witch witch?

Like, "cackle cackle, riding on a broomstick, warts on the nose"?

Well, nowadays, most witches have wart-reduction surgery, but yes.

You are a powerful witch.

The adventures of your youth are retold time and time again,

mostly on Saturday afternoons.

Oh, i get it. This is some kind of Halloween prank.

Mel, this is no prank.

As a teenage girl, you grew up in the witch world,

the other realm.

You grew up under my care. I'm a witch too.

I'm 300 years old.

Well, you look fantastic.

I moisturize.

But let's not talk about how beautiful i am.

Years ago, a dark force infiltrated our world.

For your own safety, we erased your memories

and placed you here in unassuming Toledo, Ohio

under the identity of Mel Burke,

an average midwestern woman.

Average? Have you seen me run downstairs in heels?

I'm amazing.

But now you and your powers are needed

for evil has overtaken the other realm.

The dark lord has risen and chaos reigns.

Dr. radler, honey,

you know, i know sometimes doctors like to get into the free prescription samples

and go a little cuckoo crazy pants.

So what do you say we call 9-1-1

and check you into rehab

or get you on a reality show or something?

Does this look cuckoo crazy pants to you?

No, this sparkly cell phone makes your whole story believable.

We don't have much time.

Everything you need is in here.

- In this cell phone? - It's a spell phone.

Use this app to open the ebook of incantations.

Read it thoroughly, for it can save your very life.

Mel? Uh...

I'm not gonna ask how on earth you keep going through so many "c" batteries.

But when you use the last one, can you please put it on the shopping list

Joe, I'm kind of dealing with a very important house call here.

Sorry for the interruption, Dr. rad--

where did she go?!

- Dr. radler was just here! - She's not here now.

She just told me the most bizarre thing.

Apparently, I'm a witch and I'm needed to save the other realm.

A witch, huh? Mmm!

Are you good witch or a bad witch?

You know, she didn't say.

Yeah? Well, i hope you're a bad bad witch.

Where'd you get the new cell phone?

Dr. radler gave it to me. It's a book of spells, apparently.

You know, you might want to look around for a new gynecologist.

Look, honey, i got to go to the store,

get scary Larry working here before the kids start to trick-or-treat.

- You need anything? - Better candy than you usually get?

Raisins are nature's candy!

And that's why people throw nature's eggs at our door!

Female voice: Hello, Mel.

Are you ready to cast a spell?

Wow, Dr. radler went all out!

Okay, i can play along with the doctor's joke.

Um, levitate the couch.

Your spell will not be successful

without the proper intention and gesture.

Oh jeez. Okay.

Levitate, couch!

Gesture poor.

Intention level, weak.

Maybe I'm getting a bad signal.

This might be a lousy witch-coverage area.

Oh, yeah, I've only got two brooms.

Ooooh!

Oh, Ryder, nice costume.

You're rockin' Halloween old-school "peanuts" style.

Where are you two headed?

Oooooh!

Ryder said he's not speaking until after he gets back

He's very committed to his character.

Oooh!

That is so sweet-- wait a second.

Were those my 1,000-thread-count sheets?

You know what? He is going to be a ghost when he gets home.

So what do you think of my costume?

Oh, yeah, it's great.

- What are you? - You can't tell?

Uh, don't give me the eyebrow.

Okay, I'm really trying here.

Um, oh! I got it. You're a rat Princess.

I'm supposed to be a sexy cat!

- Oh, now i see it. - No, you don't.

Ugh! Stupid cheap mail-order costume.

It's not sexy and it's barely a cat.

Honey, you look very nice.

I do not!

Uh! You don't really care, do you?

Of course i care, sweetheart.

I mean, i want you to be the most realistic cat there ever was!

Lennox's voice: Oh my god!

What did you do to me?

I don't know.

- Undo! Undo! - ( Phone beeping )

Control z!

Lennox: How did this happen?

How the hell did you turn me into a cat?

Apparently i had the proper intention and gesture.

What are you, some kind of magician?

No, I'm a--

a witch!

Then do whatever that was again and change me back right now.

I have a party to go to tonight.

All right, don't worry, okay? I'm gonna change you back.

Okay, i just have to find the right spell to transform you.

Oh, no, i have to go to the bathroom.

What? No no no! We don't have a litter box.

Then let me outside.

Well, okay fine, but don't run off.

We don't know if you're fixed, and i don't want to find out

when you're popping out kittens in my closet.

Oh, this is humiliating.

Okay.

I promise no matter what you fall off of

or how well you play piano, i will not post it on Youtube.

Oh!

Now do you believe me?

Yes, i believe you. I'm a witch from the far side.

- The other realm. - Whatever.

Look, now i just need to know how to turn Lennox back into a person.

You can't. You won't have your full powers until you defeat the dark lord.

- Well, how do i do that? - I don't know.

- Well, where is he? - I don't know.

You're really not bringing a whole lot to the party here, lady.

The dark lord has overtaken the witch realm

and is now poised to conquer the mortal world as well.