Samuel the Boy Prophet

_

Julia's passing out performance reviews this morning.

Yay!

Wow. Somebody's excited for her report card.

I think of each perfect review

as a step toward a better career.

And toward a car that doesn't have the "check engine" light on.

_

Kevin!

You get a gold star.

Perfect performance review.

The star is metaphorical, of course.

We're adults.

You deserve something more real.

No, I...

Don't resist. Come on, give in. Give in.

What about me?

Just hugs for the boys today, sweetheart.

You and your dewy skin and perfect beach waves

did just fine.

Ricky!

Congratulations.

You had the biggest drop-off in scores in the entire company.

Are you firing me?

I told HQ I couldn't do that,

that you were far too valuable to this company,

-not to mention my dry-cleaning. -Thank you.

They're still working on that bong water stain on your tube dress, by the way.

Just sign one new client by the end of the week.

And then, I can play whatever race card you are

to roll you over the finish line.

Okay, Julia. I'll do it. I know I can.

Russell!

I'm going to go pack up my stuff.

What? Why?

You can totally sign one new client by the end of the week.

These are ridiculous!

It says I lack problem-solving skills.

I do not lack problem-solving skills.

Guys, I think everybody is just making too big a deal out of these things.

I mean, what does "born leader" even mean?

Yes, the natural ability to lead.

But, you see, it's just... It's so subjective, right?

"Who cares?" said the analytical go-getter.

- Yeah. See you, guys. - Yeah. See ya.

Hey!

- Why don't I help you? - You'd do that for me?

-Why? -Well, you helped me when I first got here.

Now, me with the gold star...

- Who better to help you? - It's like in the Bible.

"The best shall helpeth the worst."

Hmm.

Don't know that one.

Oh. Maybe it's Harry Potter.

Hmm.

So, listen, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it

to the opening of Panini Castle this afternoon for lunch.

I've, um...

I've taken on some extra work.

Damn! It's a theme restaurant, Kevin.

You know when it's a theme restaurant, I have to be there.

I know. Costumes, meal combo puns, disgruntled employees...

It's everything a fun meal should be.

It's just...

This is definitely going to take a while.

Hey, I feel you, man. Okay?

I get busy, too.

Weightlifting benches just don't disinfect themselves.

Thanks for understanding.

Hey, but if anything changes, call me. Okay?

It's a medieval theme, so you know there's the promise

of those tight dresses with the shoelace tops.

I know how you love those.

He's arrived!

Kevin the mentor, down from gold star mountain

to bestow his knowledge nuggets

upon little lamb Ricky, who's lost his way.

That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?

Although, gold star mountain is kind of cute. Let's keep that.

Now, first thing's first. We've got to clean up this desk, huh?

Maybe tuck in that shirt.

_

I didn't even realize it was out.

I used to be the guy who put paperwork in a file right away.

Now, I put it under a pastry.

Just as fast, but still.

So, what happened to the old Ricky?

I mean, what's changed?

Is something going on outside of work?

Well, since you asked...

I've been having major problems with the ladies.

Oh, did you break up with that checkout girl from Vons?

- She was cute. - That was a while ago.

When she started dating the meat guy there.

Spoiler alert. He's called the meat guy,

but he works in the produce section.

So, I was out of the race immediately.

I was talking about my twin sister, Liz.

Not usually described as one of the ladies, but go on.

Liz never lets me do anything on my own.

She's seven minutes older, and boy, she never lets me forget it.

"We're going to watch the movie I want.

"We're going to cook the clams how I want."

Last night, it was Casino and casino.

The doctor who delivered us said that she took up 80% of the womb,

and she's been crowding me ever since.

Well, Ricky, you can't let your issues with your sister influence your work.

- (phone rings) - Hold on. It's my sister.

Yeah?

Hey, Kev, do you know how to get to here?

Get where? From where?

Well, I'm home, but I'm leaving,

and I want to make sure I know how to get back from set.

I'm planning ahead. Zero compliments for that? Thanks.

You're a grown-up. Figure it out.

Looks like we're both having problems with the ladies.

Julia, I was wondering...

- Audrey! - Is everything okay?

Oh, everything's just the best.

I'm being fired,

but wine still exists.

Speaking of which, I know you saw me hide this just now,

so there's no point in me keeping it down here any longer.

You're being fired?

I got an email from Corporate

saying my review was on hold,

with an interview to follow.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you...

Oh, wake up, Bambi!

It's bad news.

Apparently, you can be a top international seller,

but they won't forgive one unsanctioned trip to New Zealand

to visit someone you thought was a special friend.

Now, I know I need to lawyer up, but I can't lawyer up,

because I already "Casino-ed" up and lost my 401k.

It seems like you have a problem.

I can quit any time I want. Besides, it's a breakfast wine.

No, what I meant is, it seems like you have a problem,

and I can solve it for you.

My roommate's dad is a lawyer.

Mm. I'm intrigued.

I'm glad you suggested I tuck in my shirt.

I thought I would feel restricted,

but, in a way, the structure has made me free.

Ooh, hey!

Some of those companies we reached out to emailed me back.

_

Look, Arcola Theaters wants to meet at our office tomorrow and see our presentation.

If they like it, they'll sign!

Oh! That's what I'm talking about!

Tomorrow afternoon is right around the corner.

Let's get cracking.

Hey!

I thought that you didn't have time for lunch.

Hi, Brian. No, yeah.

This is more work than it is lunch.

He's helping me get ready for a huge presentation.

Oh, fantastic! How can I help?

Graphs? Charts? Stats? That's all I got.

I said "stats," right?

We're... We're... We're on a deadline, though.

Let me tell you something about deadlines.

If I don't get ten people to join the spin class by noon,

there's no spin class.

Actually, this is more of a corporate thing,

and it just has to be Ricky and me.

Oh, it's like that.

Okay.

No. See... Brian! This is...

This is why I didn't tell you what I was doing.

Because I didn't think you'd understand.

Oh, I understand, Kevin.

You're all about the work now.

Working late, working weekends,

neglecting your wife, your child, your lawn, and then?

You die alone.

You enjoy your miserable future.

Don't!

Well, looks like you're having guy problems, too.

Patti?

Hey, you're out of your really fancy moisturizer.

Thanks.

Hey, I was wondering,

does your dad ever do any pro-Bono work?

Uh-oh, girl. What did you do?

Don't panic. We'll get you out of it. Even murder.

But we'll probably have to ship you off somewhere.

Ooh, I'll miss you.

- It's not for me. - Oh.

It's for my boss. And before you say no,

I kind of already promised he would do it.

Are you referring to your insane boss?

I'm not letting her near my father. He's a class act.

Julia is classy.

She has a tramp stamp of Grace Kelly.

Okay, look,

my dad is really busy.

They were almost going to follow him around

for a reality TV show about busy Indian lawyers,

but they went with the Native American version instead.