Daybreak

So what's life like in the apocalypse?

It's never what you'd expect.

What are you doing?

Stop looking at me and turn around.

Is this the thing where you won't reveal Baron Triumph

to make people watch?

You know they call that schmuck bait, right?

Like at the end of a season when they kill a main character,

but it's actually another dude's guts getting eaten by zombies,

and the guy that you love is fine.

People hate that.

No way, I'm not going in the mall.

The most embarrassing story of my life happened in there,

and I never wanna live it again.

It'd be like stabbing myself in the heart,

pulling it out, eating it, pooping it,

and then putting it back into my chest.

Okay, fine. Shit, let's just go.

There weren't chains in my flashback.

So I'm here to hang with Sam,

even though I kind of told her I hate the mall.

No one really like malls today. They're dying.

Online shopping is popping a cap in the ass

of these monuments of capitalism,

but it wasn't always that way.

The first mall in America was built in Edina, Minnesota, in 1956.

It had ample parking, always 70 degrees,

and skylights made every day sunny.

I mean, you could be handsome or beautiful...

or you could eat anything you want.

Wanna try our dill pickle gelato?

Yes. Yes, I would. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Ugh!

Truth is, malls are important.

The first mall was built in sixth-century Athens,

and it changed us forever.

The hunters fighting for survival

became shoppers hunting for a good Labor Day mattress sale.

- Oh... - Oooh.

Looks like Wheeler launched a preemptive strike in his pants.

- Damn! - Premie creamy.

- Hoyles, you're the worst. -

What're you gonna do?

Oh...

Here's another reason I hate the mall: pants.

I have a long torso, and I can never find pants in my size.

Nothing fits.

Ugh.

Point is, I, like my pants,

didn't fit in. But now, today,

I'm living the Armageddon dream.

I have everything I ever wanted:

freedom, cars, big jar of Nutella.

Only thing I'm missing is... Sam.

And I'd never see her again if I threw down with Baron Triumph.

But then, this happened.

'Sup, turds.

This is who we've been scared of?

A light breeze could kick his ass.

I thought it was gonna be Hoyles. This is...

Who is this again?

It's Eli.

You may not remember him, but you've all seen Eli before.

Eli Cardashyan?

I prefer Eazy-E.

Eli isn't a real Kardashian Kardashian. Same name...

spelled different, which explains most everything about Eli.

I am the definition of cultural appropriation.

Eli's parents only bought knockoffs. Check his kicks.

Pikeys, not Nikes...

with a fish, not a swoosh.

What're you gonna do?

And I know what you're thinking. How can this kid be a killer cannibal?

He's not. Look closer.

Shoulder pads, lifts in his boots.

It's not even a Triumph motorcycle.

And training wheels?

It's fine.

It's fine!

He's a knockoff Baron Triumph.

Knockoff?

Yo, I'm the OG gangsta of the SG Valley.

King of bling, raja of the shopping center.

Sure, fine, but who else is here with you?

Where's Sam Dean?

- Do I look like her publicist? - Sam's not here?

Sorry, it's just me and my girlf, Mavis.

You have the entire mall? You?

I'm dominating.

While you nooblets have been playing the apocalypse on easy mode,

I'm the boss level.

You used aluminum foil to write "Triumph" on your bike.

Pshht!

After the bomb exploded and everyone scampered like Smurfs,

who came here and locked this shit tighter than a nun's vag?

Eli. Who's living like the Sultan of Dubai?

- Eli. - You mean the Sultan of Brunei.

What? No. Where is Brunei, huh?

Dubai, where sultans like me rule empires.

You know, one lap a day dressed like this keeps all you looters away,

so how you like me now, Wesley Fists?

I like you just fine.

- Why wouldn't I? - Oh, we are mortal enemies,

like Moriarty and Holmes. Batman and the Joker.

Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar.

You are my nemesis, and I will have revengeance.

Who are you again?

Look what you assholes did! You brought the death demon here!

Us? You're the one imitating him. It was probably your tricycle.

- Faster, he's almost here. - Get your own mall, this one's mine.

We're finna get eaten out here.

Got it.

Hey!

There's power and air conditioning.

Everything is so clean.

It still smells like Cinnabon.

Solar panels on the roof.

This is an island of paradise in an ocean of poop.

This way, quick.

Go under. We'll be safe in here.

- What the hell? - I'm not sharing my kingdom with you sheep.

No one busts into Eli's mall. And don't even try to escape.

Every door is locked or booby trapped.

Booby.

Wesley Fists led the state in sacks last season.

Take him out, Samurai.

To fight someone so obviously inferior would be dishonorable.

One punch, Wesley, come on.

- One punch. - Such actions go against my code.

Code? You never even lifted a finger when Hoyles used to fuck with me.

This isn't about what we did in high school, Joshua.

What the fuck is in here with us?

Ooh, a Ghoulie witch.

Once upon a time,

she was a normal girl who liked hanging out at the mall.

But now, she's got mad powers, and she will fuck your shit up.

She is unkillable, and she is hangry.

There's no such thing as witches.

Well, a few months ago,

there weren't mutant squirrels or Ghoulies either.

That's right. And when the Witch eats your intestines like spaghetti,

you'll think, "I never should've dissed King Eli."

Eli...

Don't worry. I'll convince him to let you out.

I'mma go full Gandhi on his ass.

Hunger strike.

Nice form.

Perfect spiral. It's my fault you missed my face, Turbo.

Stop trying to brownnose the boss, Jerry.

We don't deserve this shit.

Yeah, we did our job rounding up laggers,

scouting tribes for you to conquer.

We're full-fledged Lemon Pledge. Teamwork makes the dream work.

You boys are faux jocks.

You're here by the grace of Turbo.

And how do you repay his charity?

You cost him his perfect record, 18 and 0 versus the apocalypse.

Defeated by a complete unknown.

- A rookie! - His name is Josh.

Tennis Josh?

- No. - Little Josh with the big truck?

- Nope. - Gay Josh or Other Gay Josh?

Just Josh. Josh Wheeler.

You know what you need, Turbo? A win.

Get rid of the stank of defeat with the antiperspirant of victory.

- What do you know of victory, Terry? - That's Jerry.

- Terry's dead. - R-I-P, Terry.

- Playing the back nine in heaven. - Shh.

I'm captain now, says so on my shirt.

You know, Turbo, you're a conqueror who pwns.

Make the other tribes pay for the protection you provide.

Assert your authority.

You'll see just how well you are loved.

Should we send up a group text

and make these plebes suck up to your apex-ness?

- -

Ouch.

We can't open the gate.

It's rigged with an IED.

This is some Hunger Games- level shit.

But the truth is, this place is awesome.

There's food, beds, and a ton of hair straighteners.

So there's a critter problem.

My parents' home had raccoons. Sames.

- I can take care of varmints. - Wait, we're not killing anyone.

This was the last place Sam was seen.

She's the only kid I knew who loved the mall.

What if she's this Witch?

- You think she turned Ghoulie? - You said it yourself.

We have no idea what's going on.

If there's even a chance, I have to help Sam.

Eye roll. You only like Sam 'cause she may have touched your dick.

This is not about getting some handy from some rando.

This is love.

Sam is the only actual good person I have ever met.

Here,