Vanderpump Villa

We have a secret recording.

-No way! -What the fuck is this?

You're a fucking joke. You know that.

Bloody hell.

Cheers to season three, bitches! Woo!

It's been seven months since we departed Rosecroft Park.

-I don't fucking know you. -You're 30 years old,

and you're fucking drunk.

Lewis! Come back, dammit.

And clearly, there is still quite a lot to unpack.

-What the fuck are-- -Run the tapes back!

Oh, my God!

So I'm here to help set the record straight.

Do you think that Jordan from Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

was trying to hook up with you?

That garden gnome?

You banged another girl right after seeing her,

and then didn't take a shower and banged another girl?

-Sorry, what? -Oh! Oh!

If I still was in "love" with a girl,

I would tell my friend, that you thought I was--

If you're my friend, that should not even be on the table, bro.

Don't forget, darlings, I am the boss.

You don't get to tell me how to run my business.

You push me into a corner,

and you won't like what's coming out the other side.

-You better watch it. You better watch it. -No, I don't give a fuck.

You better fucking watch it right now.

Here we go. You're so iconic.

-Yeah. -Look at you.

I'm a bit nervous, actually, to be honest.

There's so many problems in this group.

Everyone hates each other. Gabriella and Chef...

- There's Chef. You hear him? - Ah, he's like Tom Cruise.

Do you think Hagen and Hannah can pull it back together?

I'm gonna devour everybody.

Let's get this shit started.

-I think the demon is coming. -Yo, she's scary.

-...Dom and Alyssa... -God.

We haven't spoken.

- At all? - No.

You don't need a short king.

- I will never forgive her. -Gabriella? For the hot tub episode?

The hot tub, her saying that I have like a mental illness.

You've gotta do some heavy lifting.

This makes this fun.

-This is fun? -Heck yeah, it is.

You think this is fun?

I live for this. Like, today's my Super Bowl.

And, like, I'm Tom Brady.

I'm hoping for the best but fearing for the worst.

-Before Hagen cusses someone out. -Ehh.

Here they come. It's gonna be a long day.

Here we go. It's showtime.

- You guys look amazing. - Wow.

-Oh, lovely. -I missed y'all.

Everybody looks spectacular.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you, too.

- Hello, look at you. - Lovely to see you.

-Lovely to see you. -Hi, how are you?

I've been dreaming about this moment again.

Oh, good Lord.

-Oh, look at you! -Oh, yeah.

- Are those new puppies? -Have you seen them, Lisa? Mm-hmm.

They look amazing.

Okay, everybody speak up.

This is your time now, or forever hold your peace.

Quiet on set, please. Rolling. Rolling.

God help us.

Hello, and welcome, everyone.

I'm thrilled to be back as your host

for what will be the most revealing reunion

of Vanderpump Villa ever.

Okey-dokey.

That said, I do have a few questions of my own for this reunion,

even for you, Stassi.

-Okay, I'm like an open book, so whatever. -Are you ready?

So, all right, are we ready?

-Yes. - Take a deep breath,

and Stassi, my darling, take it away.

All right.

With the legendary reality TV guests at Rosecroft Park this summer,

it started to feel like Lisa Vanderpump's very own White Lotus.

There were shocking secrets, explosive fights,

and so... many... hookups.

Let's take a look at some of the love and lust in the villa,

including a few never-before-seen moments.

Oh.

- Oh. -Lots of hooking up.

It's like a fucking massive orgy in here.

I imagined afternoon teas.

I didn't imagine bonking and banging and shagging.

Like, for God's sake, this is Buckinghamshire.

It's not Fucking-hamshire. What is going on?

Alyssa saw John B's sword--

Swor-- What do you mean, sword?

His penis.

- What! - You asked me--

No, I didn't want it that brutal.

Marciano's had his fun with the Mormon Wives,

but now it's my turn.

Oh, my God.

I'm fed up with this horny Hannah.

I knew they were gonna show it.

What?!

Her and Marciano had sex in the bathroom.

-Cringe. - He's like, "Oh, Mercedes."

- Dammit. - Okay, I think it's safe to say

this was the most flirtatious staff you've ever had, Lisa.

But I wanna start with Hannah and Marciano's

roller coaster of a relationship.

Hannah, are you and Marciano dating?

-We're not. -All of that--

-Shocker! Oh, my God, ah! - All for nothing.

All of that for that, man? Come on.

You wanna know what the great thing about us two is?

None of them have anything else to say...

because they're so meaningless, they only can talk about us

to feel and see value on this place.

When you guys got back from England,

did you try and make it work at home?

Yes. We were trying to put in the work.

We were. We were talking about going to therapy.

And then by that time, we were making it work...

Aw!

It was a massive trigger for her, where she could not even be around me

when it came to that show about to even come out.

And then once it came out,

it was like, she couldn't handle the things that I had done to her,

which, I have yet to apologize to you. I mean, at least publicly, I'm--

So you're waiting for the cameras?

- Come on, dude. -Why are you laughing? Like, you're just--

They need their screen time, it's fine. I'm-- I'm--

I'm genuinely so sorry for what I did to you.

And to see it back and see how affected you were by everything,

and them not understanding why you were acting a certain way,

it really affected your entire summer.

I obviously wish that never happened,

-so, I'm sorry. -Thank you.

Gabriella, you were really frustrated with Hannah

-all summer long. - Sure.

Coming into this summer, I wanted to be so pro you. And that's--

You and I obviously had a rocky season one.

We hated each other, fine.

We tried to make it work, season two.

You vented to me about Andre all the time. I was friends with you both.

I never got involved with your guys' shit.

-I never said, "Oh, what are you doing?" - That's my point exactly.

Because I would never judge you.

-And I feel like it came from a-- -Yeah, I'm not getting involved,

-and that's my point. -But you wrote me off as a friend.

- If you guys-- -Did she--

-She wrote me off as a friend. -Because how you treated me.

You're a liar.

You're a liar. You manipulate.

You're a terrible fucking person.

-You are! What are you talking about? - You really are.

You're getting called out right now. You called me a flat back white bitch.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I can look in the mirror and love myself.

I don't know if you can say the same.

-Oh. - Cut the shit.

Can I be honest? I acted like a feral rat this season.

I really will say that about myself.

I was drunk 24/7. I apologize.

I don't even remember saying half the shit I fucking said.

-It's not who I am. -My thing is, this is your third reunion

saying you're apologizing to people. So, it's like--

-This one's different. -You're a bully. You are!

-You're the biggest bully here, bitch! - No, I'm not.

You told me to go to fucking hell.

-And I'll say it again. Go to hell, bitch! - Shut up!

You know how hard it is for someone to sit here and say,

"Yeah, I know I fucking acted like a feral rat?"

You knew what I was going through over the summer, too.

-I didn't even wanna come back to the show -Listen.

You know that!

I know, but you're your own person. You're a woman.

The moment I start being disrespected, I'm not fucking having it.

When did I disrespect you?

-Talking shit to Marciano! -Who cares? Everyone talks shit.

We're on a reality show, you idiot! Shut up!

Blah, blah. Shut up.

-Shut up. Blah, blah. -Hannah, you do have to listen also.

-It's sad. - You're crying, so you're sad.

Yeah, because I brought up my dog that I was fucking talking to you about.

Okay. So, listen, listen--

Are you fucking kidding me? You better watch it. You better watch it.

Hannah, come back.

I'm not joking. You better fucking watch it.

-No. Yeah, okay. -You're a fucking joke.

-What are you gonna do? -You're a fucking joke.

-Go. - Get a fucking heart.

- What the fuck? -Oh, my God.

That was wild.

-You're a fucking joke. -What are you gonna do?

-You're a fucking joke. - What are you gonna do?

- Get a fucking heart. - Go.

How can someone be so mean? So mean.

She's a fucking cunt.