True Story with Hamish & Andy

Stories.

Apart from dirt, they're the very thing

our great nation is founded upon,

with tales of great fortune or amazing personal triumphs

that become legend, passed down through the ages.

But what about the stories that become legendary

only within a group of friends?

How do these great storytellers get the audience they so richly deserve?

They get them here...

on True Story with Hamish and Andy.

Good evening and welcome to True Story.

The show that brings to life

the best true stories you've never heard and we've never heard.

That's right, Ando.

As always, we don't know the story we're about to hear,

nor do we know the story teller.

So let's solve both those problems right now as we meet Carol.

Hello. Lovely to meet you.

Hi, Carol. Nice to meet you. Hello, how are you?

Really well. Excellent. Good.

Raring to go? I mean, any apprehension telling this story?

Um...

There might be a little bit. Yes.

How people might see me afterwards, or perceive me.

But, it was a long time ago and I was very young.

Totally covered.

Oh, they're the two easiest ways to cover yourself.

That's right. Yep.

Well, we bumped into your husband, Ben...

Yep. ..out in the corridor.

And he didn't tell us anything about the story,

but he didn't seem too nervous.

Was he around when this happened?

No. We didn't know each other then. OK.

When does the story take place?

The story takes place in 1986

and it starts with a massive poetry assignment at school.

Assignment time is here.

And that ever lurking fear is near.

Were you hoping I'd go easy, be passive?

Well, you'd be wrong, dear student, because this one is massive.

I'm giving you a massive poetry assignment...

..is the point of the... I thought it was pretty clear.

So, I was 15 at the time.

What type of a 15-year-old would you say you were?

Yeah...

Quite a naughty one.

Yep. Yep.

You know, liked to buy my clothes at the op shop

and tease my hair and wear heaps of black eyeliner and make-up.

I had a best friend, who I'm still best friends with now,

and her name's Jules, and, you know, she might have

dressed a bit out there but, inside, she wasn't really a rule breaker.

Like, Jules, was actually excited about the assignment.

For this assignment, to be done at home,

you must think up and write out a poem.

One poem? Easy. Shh.

But, to do just one, would not be much fun, so I give you more.

Start today without delay, 'cause you have to write two score.

It's forty. Two score's forty. You have to write out forty poems.

Forty poems? Forty. Forty.

And identify... Geez, there's no warm up there.

No. I'm also, what people use the term, legally blind.

So I've got low vision and it's classified as legally blind.

So, books weren't that easy to read in 1986.

Today... Oh, so you've always been... had this? I have.

Vision impaired. Yep. OK.

Can you see us, now? Sort of.

I can see bits of you.

OK. (LAUGHS) We promise you we're here.

We're here. We'll keep the chat up. Yep.

And did you have to do forty as well?

He would have known that you're visually impaired. He did. But...

My mum had sort of brought me up that I was going to do everything.

I don't know, Mum.

Remember I am legally blind.

Everything that's put in front of you, you have to have a go at it.

Come on!

OK.

Right, so the annoying flipside of that is,

when you get forty poems, you have to do it.

Yeah.

So, I'm not a planner. OK.

I'm not someone that plans. I hear you, Carol.

I'm a procrastinator. I hear you.

OK. So the night...

It was a Thursday night.

The next day it was Friday, it was due in on Friday.

Mr Deacon had set the date.

Better just see if all my clothes still fit me.

He probably gave it to us four weeks before... Yes.

But, of course, Thursday night, Carol thinks...

Holy shit.

I've gotta do forty poems in one night.

Well, that crept up on me.

Like, I thought, I'll start. Gave it a crack.

I'll see. I had this little magnifier, it was about this big.

Jesus.

I'm half a poem in and I'm already so sick of this.

So I got started and, then, a little light bulb went off

and I thought, maybe I don't feel very well.

Maybe I'm not sick of this...

Maybe I'm just...

Sick.

Yeah. Just so familiar with this junction, too.

Just... Do you know what?

I mean, I once went home from school 'cause my feet were hot.

Which is a separate topic.

But I understand that the voice in the head that goes,

"You know what, rather than do the work,

let's scan the body for any ailment..."

And, the advantage here, you've got Friday, then you've got Saturday.

Three day weekend. Exactly. That's so tempting.

That's what I thought. OK.

So are we thinking just general flu, was there a specific symptom?

No.

I was, at the time, quite obsessed with 'A Country Practice'.

I don't know if you guys remember that show? Yep.

Yes. You were probably babies.

But, Terence Elliott, Dr Terence Elliott was one of the doctors.

That's how obsessed I was, I still remember their names.

Great diagnosis Dr Terence Elliott.

Simon married Vicky the vet.

This is good back story.

And her mum was Shirley, who had Fatso

and was married to Sergeant Gilroy.

We believe you, Carol.

She did meditation in the pyramid.

So I thought, "What have I seen on A Country Practice."

What... What condition could I adopt?

And I remembered there was a girl

that had been brought in with appendicitis.

Appendicitis!

That feels like something I've definitely got.

So I rang mum.

My mum worked... They owned a deli.

And I said, "Mum, I don't really feel very well,

"I've got this really bad pain in my stomach."

And she said...

"Oh, whereabouts honey?"

Um...

Sort of a dull pain in the upper abdomen,

sharper as it moves down to the lower right abdomen.

Um... I think.

'Cause I remembered that from the show.

Of course. Yeah, yeah. So now you're all in...

Oh, yeah, no, there was no going back.

OK. (LAUGHS)

You're all in on faking appendicitis, now.

Yep. How did you use the time?

Did you go for the lie down to be... Get into character.

Get into character or...

Ah, no.

I think, probably just did regular 15 year old stuff.

(THEME FROM "A COUNTRY PRACTICE" PLAYS)

Of course I pashed Jason Borg. He's a spunk.

So, at some point, your mum has to come home.

She did. She came home and, of course, I was then in character.

Carol, darling?

In here, Mother.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, you don't look well at all.

I can't hide anything from you can I, Mum?

So she said, "OK, let's go to Casualty."

Of course, Casualty, 1986, it was a small local hospital.

There wasn't much to it.

Who's got the stethoscope?

Oh, Darren took it for the fancy dress party.

Didn't bring it back.

Dammit.

The doctor comes out and sees me.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Just there?

And I'm fully immersed in "I'm not feeling very well."

Right. You're really into character now.

Yep. It's on.

I think this might be serious.

So do I, Doc.

Oh, darling.

Carol's lie is working.

But, it's about to get well out of hand.

That's next on True Story.

We return to True Story to find Carol in hospital

for an ailment that doesn't exist.

OK, so your mum believes it's pretty serious.

She has to believe it. And she did believe it.

Mm-hm. Which makes sense, that...

Yeah, her daughter's 15-16, something, you know,

something could be going on here.

Hmm.

Hmm.

So, the doctor starts asking me all these questions.

Have you been feeling nauseous? Hmm.

Have you been vomiting? Um...

Diarrhoea, dizziness, fever? Aw...

And what were your answers to that?

Probably... Mostly no.

Oh, great!

You should be fine, then. Wait.

I have had some nausea, obviously.