One-Eyed Monster

...have decided to withhold comment pending further investigation.

Officials at NASA released a joint statement...

with the national weather service this afternoon saying they,re monitoring...

what's being called a celestial event ,

moving over the southwestern part of the countrv.

No details are available at the present time,

but they did say that the atmosphere would be producing extreme weather systems...

in response to increased magnetic activity from space.

Yeah, Angel's talented, did you see her in "Wick Dipper V"?

I don't think so. Is it new?

Fairly new. She did some fine ball work in that. - That's nice.

And she told me, she was honored to have you as a coach.

Coach.

I think our makeup girl has a little crush on you.

Please. This bus ride is nauseating enough.

Oh, fuck off. Ron's twice the man you are.

When we get up to the cabins, I want to show you something I've been working on.

You found a new way to hold a boom.

Come on, I'm just a sound guy like you're just a black man.

No, I think I'm on to something. I think it's going to revolutionize the industry.

Viva la revolucion.

Cynical bastard. Where's your joy?

Hey, Pop, how much longer?

About forty-five minutes, give or take.

I'd like to drop you all off and get back down before the snowstorm hits.

Oh, snowball fights.

Radio says it's to be a whopper. Biggest since 1938.

Yeah, what were you, like, sixty then? - Come on, leave the guy alone.

I was talking to you.

Anyone know when we're getting paid?

Same as always, Hon, half up front and half when we wrap.

Jim said there will be checks when we arrive.

Thank God. I could really use that six grand.

Six thousand. She's making six thousand?

What has she done, maybe hundred, hundred fifty movies? She's just a beginner.

Oh. That's so unfair.

Yeah, we're almost there.

What?

We're doing it here cause I want to get this thing done without all the agents...

and boyfriends looking over my shoulder every fucking minute.

Don't worry, we'll get it made. I said we'll get it made. Hello. Fuck. Jack?

End of the line.

Get me to a shower immediately.

Oh, it's so pretty here.

That's everything.

Thanks, Pal.

Benjamin Franklin? Well, thank you.

So, you folks are making a picture, eh? - Yeah.

Oh, I sure do love the movies. Is it a thriller?

Yeah, thrills a plenty.

Wait till I tell Mother.

Listen, now I'll never hear the end of it if I don't get the details right.

Mind me asking? - By all means.

Your cock is nine inches, that right? - Nine and three quarters.

Oh. I owe her ten dollars. - I'm sorry.

Oh, no harm done.

I'll be back to pick you all up on Sunday.

Unless of course the roads are snowed in, in which case,

you'll have to wait a day or two till it melts.

But there's plenty of food in there in the pantry.

Oh, and I started the generator before I came and picked you folks up,

so ah, your rooms should be nice and toasty by now.

Hey, Pops, are we the only ones on the mountain?

Ah, nope, there's ah, fellow lives over on the other side, ah, name's Mohtz.

Comes down for supplies and what not every few months.

He pretty much keeps to himself,

he's been there ever since he came back from Vietnam.

What's that?

Oh, that's an old communications tower.

This whole mountain was used by the army as a lookout after Pearl Harbor.

Making sure no Japs come a calling.

Okay, people, grab a cabin and pretty up.

I want to do Ron and Wanda's first scene before dinner.

We're setting up in the main cabin.

Good luck folks, stay warm.

Hey, maybe we can roast some marshmallows ...

Hey! - Roast that, Nerd-Boy.

Excuse me, I have the luggage ...

Is there anything else you need, Mr. Jeremy? - Oh, no thank you. Ah ...

Laura. - Laura, I'm sorry.

So many names over the years, you know. - Historic years.

Yeah, some would say prehistoric. - That's just awful.

Raw talent like yours is ageless,

and anyone who says otherwise they can just shut the hell up.

Why, thank you, Laura. So, how long have you been working in hardcore?

A few years. I used to do makeup for the Olson twins,

and one of them told me about a film called, "Lord of the Cockrings".

Gilligan, you and the skipper here take the bunks.

Sure thing. I don't mind taking the top. - Appreciate it.

Have you guys think Wanda is as cute as I do. I don't know, I'm kind of digging her.

She's a sweet kid. - Think she'd go out with me?

Dude. She's going to blow you in an hour and a half. And me.

It's totally different.

lt is ten minutes after the hour,

and they still don't know what that thing is in the sky,

so if l were you, l'd stay indoors, folks. Z97 FM.

Your room looks just like mine.

Kind of cozy, huh?

This is just like camp.

What's that? - Lidocaine.

Stubble always hurts when I'm getting my pussy eaten.

So I spray it on right before the scene. - Now that's using your noodle.

Thanks. But I'm sure you have some of your own tricks of the trade.

Yeah. I've got a great one.

So if I'm doing this video where I have to lick a guys asshole,

I hit myself in the head with a piece of wood, five times really hard, right there.

What does that do?

It disables the olfactory bulb in my limbic system.

I can't smell anything for twelve straight hours.

So I ask the director to make sure all my ass-licking scenes are on the same day.

Cool. - Works.

Come in.

Hey, hey. Okay, what's the matter?

Been put out to pasture, Ron. - What are you talking about?

I never should have come here. I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess I was hoping maybe I could fill in for somebody,

or maybe they'd add a scene just because, because I was here.

Pretty deluded, huh? - Not at all.

I'm the worst kind of diva, an out-of-work one.

Truth is, I don't belong in hardcore anymore,

you know there's no room for a woman my age.

Do you remember the first film we ever did together?

Um ... "Women in Love" 1979.

I played your fiancé. - Right.

28 years later I'm here to tell you...

that the years have made you only more beautiful.

Right.

What you're lacking is confidence, and that is a shame.

Ronny, do you know how tough it is to be confident...

when half the girls on the set call you Mom?

That shouldn't matter. How you feel, that's what matters. Look at me.

I don't look like a porn star, except for my cock.

But, I play the fool, and I get the joke,

I'm in on it, and that makes it kind of hip.

And I try to bring a different character into the role that I play,

and that gives me confidence.

But I can't suck my own dick anymore. - Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip.

That's more like it.

Let me tell you something Veronica, you have something really special.

That I have found very hard to resist. - Thanks, Ronny.

You know, I do wish Jim would put me in the movie,

I think I've got a few surprises left. - What are you waiting for?

Why don't you go talk to him?

I guess maybe he just needs to be persuaded?

Maybe he needs your secret weapon. - Maybe I'll show him.

Atta girl, remember, you are a porn star, show him what porn stars are made of.

Thank you, Ronny.

Hey there, coach. Shouldn't you be running lines with Wanda or something?

She knows her lines. I know her lines.

Don't start with me, Veronica, we've been through this.

Yeah, I know, we've talked and talked.

But, I just don't think talking is getting us anywhere. Do you? - Huh?

Oh.

Whatever.

I've fucked them all, but if you think you can make a case, the floor is yours.

I prefer the desk.

Come on, give it to me.

Oh. That's it. Hold it right there. - What? Oh, oh. What are you doing?

Oh, what I was trained to do, what I was born to do.

But how? We're not even moving and you're massaging ...

They're called kiggles, Jimbo. Muscles in the vagina.

Every woman has them, but I know how to move them. - Ah, ah, ah.

Like a concert pianist, moving their fingers. You like it don't you?

Yeah, it's good. Oh, goddamn, I'm going to shoot. I'm going to shoot.

No. You're not. - What?

Let it go, I'm gonna, I'm gonna cream. - No. Not 'til you put me in the movie.

Oh, I can't handle this, please, I'm ready please. - Put me in the movie.

Oh, okay, you're in. You're in the movie. - First scene?

Okay, you're in. Please!

See you on set.

Points!

We're going in twenty minutes. Lance, Rock, I need you in makeup.

Laura is set up in her cabin. Jonah, you almost ready?

Almost.

Hey, Pointdexter, I'm paying you to hold the boom, not play video games.

Put your toys away.

Jawohl, Herr Direktor.

What's that you working on anyway? - Ah, program I designed.

Nothing special except that it might change the world, as we know it.

What's it do? - Ah, what's it do, he asks?

Sit down, sit down. I think you're going to like this.

This is a neuro-tactile simulator.

A what? - A neural tact ...

It's a doohickey, and so now all you have to do is answer one simple question.

Shoot.

If you could fuck anyone, in ah, any orifice,

who would it be and, ah, how would you do it?

Oh, that's easy. Anna Nicole Smith's tits, when they were alive.

Ah, no see, I need, I need an orifice. - Paris Hilton in the mouth.

Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton.

Now, I'll need you to put your big buddy inside that thing...

before I run the program.

Hold on there, partner, I don't want to fuck with my livelihood.

You do fuck with your livelihood.

It's perfectly safe, it's been tested many, many times.

Well. - And cleaned.

Okay.

Ah, holy shit!

Oh, this is great. So this is what it would feel like.