Not Going Out

Thank you for a lovely evening.

What lovely food. Thank you, Lucy.

I'm sure it wasn't all Lucy's hard work, Lee.

Sorry, have you two met?

Er, I made the mulled wine.

Yes, nothing improves a fine Merlot like bringing it to the boil

and putting twigs in.

I did other things as well.

Hm.

What's that noise for? Maybe she swallowed a twig.

What things?

I did the washing up.

No, you didn't.

Well, I licked out the trifle bowl.

It's exactly the same in our house, Lucy.

Whenever things get untidy or dusty,

it's always me who ends up sacking the cleaner.

Any plans over Christmas, Lee?

You know me, Wendy, I'll just be lying in front of the telly,

stuffing me face, whilst Lucy regrouts the bathroom.

First Christmas without your dad, Lee.

How are you feeling?

I'm sure he's looking down on us all.

Me, too.

Yep. Anna's looking down on us all as well.

He would've liked this evening.

He'd have been mocking Geoffrey, and...

Well, mainly mocking Geoffrey.

Well, believe it or not, I actually miss him mocking me.

It's not the same without him.

Would it help if I took the piss out of you?

Sorry we had to do our get together a few nights early,

but we're planning to take the kids to panto on Christmas Eve.

You're joking? Oh, no, she isn't.

Since when?

Since I found out Jason Donovan was in it.

Oh, that explains it.

She's got a thing for Jason Donovan.

Have you, Lucy?

I used to dream about marrying him.

But that was weeks ago.

I thought you fancied Rick Astley?

Rick Astley?

Oh, it's just something silly I once said to Anna.

Very talented chap, Rick Astley.

I saw him play on several occasions. Did you?

Greatest centre forward West Brom ever had.

That was Jeff Astle.

Well, who did Rick Astley play for?

Stock, Aitken and Waterman.

Can't believe you still fancy the people you fancied years ago.

I'm starting to go off some of them.

Wish you wouldn't do that.

Ah, better out than in.

Not that.

What? Making it clear in front of everybody

that you didn't want to go to the panto.

Makes you sound like a right miserable old Scrooge.

Well, I had a very traumatic experience

at the panto many years ago.

It was Mother Goose at the Southport Theatre with Bernie Clifton.

So? Tell me the traumatic experience?

I just did.

And by the way, I don't like you insinuating

in front of everyone that you do more housework than me.

More?

I do it all!

Yeah, well, that's just because I've got a higher dirt threshold.

Yeah. About three inches higher.

One night at a panto.

Is that really so much to ask?

Just because Jason Donovan's in it?

You're so childish.

Oh, right. You're the one that fancies Jason Donovan,

and Rick Astley apparently, and I'm the childish one?

I'm going to sleep.

A bloody Australian and a bloke from St Helens.

You could at least fancy someone with a bit more sophistication.

HE TRUMPS

Better out than in.

HE YAWNS

HE SIGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That's weird.

I could've sworn I left my mobile on that table.

LAUGHTER

Oh, woe is me!

There's so much work to be done.

Why are you dressed like Kate Bush?

Oh, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe!

Why are you singing like Kate Bush?

This housework never seems to end!

That's probably cos you're trying to do it with twigs.

We've got a Dyson V10 under the stairs.

Buttons!

Oh, silly Buttons!

Why are you calling me Buttons, Lucy?

Stop teasing me, Buttons.

You know all too well my name isn't Lucy.

It's Cinderella.

And you live here with me and my father

and step-sisters in this big, old house.

Is this some sort of witness protection scheme?

TWINKLING

Welcome all, and let us tell a story

about what befell a girl who swept a dusty cellar,

a girl whose name is...

Brenda?

..Cinderella!

What's this?

You're a footman.

I'm more of a breast man, to be honest.

Yes. Wave your wand again and turn him into a massive tit.

LAUGHTER

You're supposed to be frozen.

Wow, three years at RADA wasn't wasted, was it?

Oh, I get it!

Get what?

All of this. I'm asleep.

It's a panto-themed dream.

She's Cinderella, I'm Buttons, you're Widow Twankey.

I'm the Fairy Godmother, you cheeky git.

Our tale begins in this old room.

A pretty girl, a wooden broom.

Yeah, I don't need the backstory, sweet cheeks.

A scrubbing brush, a soapy mop.

I don't give a toss, so off you pop.

Are you OK, Buttons?

I am tickety-boo, thank you.

In a minute, everything will be fine when I wake up.

And how are you planning on doing that?

Well, I drank a pint of tap water before I went to bed.

At my age, it's only a matter of time.

Wet the bed for all I care.

Brave words coming from the woman sleeping next to me.

Unless you want to forget Cinderella and do The Princess and the Pea.

Or Beauty and the Beast.

Oh, don't be hard on yourself, love.

I will wake up in a moment.

That won't work.

You're not trying very hard, are you?

I thought you said it wouldn't work.

Well, no harm in making sure.

Well, it looks to me like you're stuck with me, Buttons.

I'm not called Buttons. And you're not called Cinderella.

Our names are Lee and Lucy, we're married,

and we've got a semidetached house in Walton-on-Thames

made out of proper bricks.

Oh, no, you haven't!

What the hell was that?

Well, you can't have a panto without an audience.

I don't want a bloody panto. They're awful things.

Loads of stupid audience members desperate for

a sexual innuendo until you give 'em one.

Oh, grow up!

Pretending we're married.

What are you like, Buttons?

Besides, if I was looking for a man,

I'd be much more interested in the prince.

Prince. What prince?

Charles? Edward?

Surely you don't mean...?

I mean the prince of all this kingdom.

Prince Charming.

You can't be with the prince. You're with me.

You? But you're Buttons.

My cheerful, fun-loving, asexual friend.

I am your husband. I'm not just a sexual friend.

There is no way that you are going to get together

with the prince, even if it is just a dream.

It'll be burned on my retina for life.

Well, I've heard Prince Charming is looking for a wife,

and I think I'm in with a chance.

Oh, no you're not.

Oh, yes, she is!

I hate audience participation.

Oh, no, you...! Shut it!

Anyway, if you are right, and we are married,

and this is just a dream,

then maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you haven't been

treating me very well, and that if you're not careful

I might run off and leave you forever.

Don't remember that in the Disney version.

Oh, well, could be worse.

How?

Ooh!

And there it is.

And who are you supposed to be?

You know damn well who I am, Buttons.

I'm Cinderella's father, Baron Hardup.

Yeah, well, I'd get those thighs looked at.

It might be gout.

I see my daughter's doing all the housework again.

Oh, if only Cinderella could find a worthy husband,

she could have a much better life!

Has he been paused? It's very hard to tell at Geoffrey's age.

Poor Buttons. What a shocking start at winning Cinderella's heart.

Oh, good. Pam Ayres is back.

Perhaps if you try being nice,

you'll find I have some good advice.