Big Mouth

20 YEARS AGO

STAR CINEMA TRUMAN SHOW

Oh, I think we're early.

Yeah, the movie phone guy said,

'You've selected The Truman Show, 9:00 p.m.'

I love that guy. - Hey, since we have a second,

I was wondering if you would like to smoke some marijuana.

You know, I would.

I am pressing one for the chronic.

Ho, ho-ho! You're the movie phone guy calling the movie phone guy.

Yes. - Sounds like you've already smoked.

Maybe just a little bit.

Sorry, weed is just really bad at this point in time.

Am I high, or is Jim Carrey not funny in this movie?

Wow, imagine finding out everything in your life was fake,

and you were just a character on some TV show.

That would be rough.

You're real, right, Shannon? - I'm real, Greg.

That's good, 'cause I think I maybe love you.

I think I maybe love you, too.

Jesus, Greg! - What?

How many goddamn times do I have to ask you...

...not to forget your Eggo waffles in the toaster!

Oh, please, Shannon.

I left those in there three days ago.

Maybe you would've noticed if you ever came up for air...

...from Cantor Dina's ass!

Just pick one of your dad's CDs to drown out their squabbling.

Phish? Grateful Dead? Widespread Panic?

What is this crap? - They're jam bands, sweetie.

They were created by Big Nitrus to sell canisters in parking lots.

Whoa! Is this-- - Ganja?

The Devil's Lettuce? - What?

Sticky Icky? Daddy Boom-balatti? - That's not--...

Turtle. - Turtle?

Hot Snookum. - Really?

Goat Cheese Omelette. - I got it.

Snoop's Bunion! - Stop!

GOAT CHEESE OMELET

Andrew! Where do you think you're going?

Uh... home? - Oh my God! What the hell?

My dad wants me to help him throw out old Newsweek 's.

You're not going anywhere without giving me a kiss goodbye.

Now that you're my boyfriend,

there are like, rules.

Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Since when?

Hello? Since we Frenched twice already.

And her tongue was slick and meaty, like a fresh trout.

I do like a nice flakey fish. - Who doesn't?

When did you start smoking?

Around when you started dating this chick. I don't think the two are connected.

I could quit anytime.

Um, maybe we could go someplace a little more private to kiss,

like I don't know, that abandoned Wendy's down the street?

No, I want to do it right here with everyone watching,

you clump of shower drain hair.

This young woman truly appreciates that you're a human refuse.

You should be treated as such.

That's some twisted shit, dude.

Indeed. Do you care for a drink? - I'm good. The smokes are plenty.

But you're way more fun when you drink.

Really? Is that what people are saying?

Come on, Maurice. Just a quick nip.

Nip? All right.

Gachi-machi. Andrew, let's do it.

Let's French this blonde meatball.

Yeah.

Oh, wow. - Andrew and Lola?

This is how I felt when I saw my pediatrician at Lids.

I couldn't believe it was happening right in front of me.

Who cares? My boy's getting it. - Ooh!

Take it, Andrew! Get it and then take it.

Oh, no. That's not good. They're brother-sister.

No, they aren't. - Then why are they kissing?

Well, they're-- Because they're not brother and sister.

What? - Wait, what?

That was like, stupid romantic.

Now hold my book bag. I need to go piss.

I had two Barq's root beer at lunch. - Okay.

Meet me outside. You're walking me home!

So, bud, how's it going?

Oh, things are going well.

Lola... You know Lola, right?

I do indeed.

She says that I'm her boyfriend.

Oh, wow, that's really-- - It's terrible, Nick!

Good, yeah. It's really a nightmare to watch.

Yeah, it's not that great to live either. - I can only imagine.

I have to break up with her, or kill her. Or fake my own death.

Maybe join the army.

There's not a war on, is there? Like, other than the three wars.

No. Break up with her. - You really should,

because right now, you are Lola's boyfriend.

Stop it. - I'm standing here...

...with Lola's... - Stop it. Please stop saying that.

...boyfriend. - I have a name!

Okay, bye, LBW. - LBW?

What's the W for? - Lola's Boyfriend...

Wow.

Wow, indeed.

Dude, Andrew and Lola is like...

...woof. - Yeah, totally. Woof to the max.

Uh... should we just make a left here now?

Why? - I just don't have to talk to Gena.

It's still so awkward. - Yeah, I know.

Everything is super weird right now. - I know.

You know, we're going through changes. - Exactly.

It just feels almost as if we could try drugs for the first time,

and it wouldn't even be a big deal. - What?

What? - Did you just say we should try drugs?

I didn't say that. - I think you just--...

I feel weird that you're saying it. - I'm super confused.

Look what I found in my dad's stash. - Gummy Bears?

It's weed. They're edibles.

Edibles? Jesse... - Yes?

Are you suggesting... - Maybe?

I mean, are we those kids? -

Look, Barack Obama smoked weed.

He was our best president, and his wife is perfect.

God, don't you miss them?

Every day. Their daughters, that dog...

Right. - Hold on, are you peer pressuring me?

No, of course not!

If you want to have a little dick and do little dick boys' stuff...

No! I want to be a big dick boy. - All right.

Hmm. I think I can kind of taste the weed.

You know, I don't mind it,

'cause I got a big dick! - What?

Biddy-bee! Big dick boy! - Argh!

Smoke chronic, big dick! - What voice is that?

Biddy-bee smoke weed-ee-weed. - This might've been a mistake.

Like, welcome to my condo, Andrew.

What a lovely home. Is your TV fake?

Yeah, my mom staged the place to be sold,

so like everything is, like, not as it seems.

Oh, I love this condominium.

It simply reeks of shame.

I think it's all the Aerosmith Glade plugins.

This whole thing is giving me a fucking migraine.

I have something for that.

KLO-LOLA-PIN 20 mg...

Okay. - Look!

That's when my mom took me and Devin to see Mow Mow,

the barren koala. - Wait, what?

It was on a baseball field. It was awesome.

Huh. It looks like you're cut out of the frame.

I know. My mom is so funny.

This one time,

she always joke said she wishes I was Devin.

Yeah, my dad always jokes that I was somehow responsible...

...for Charlie Sheen leaving Two and a Half Men.

Oh my God. We're like the same.

Ha-ha. Yeah! I need to end this before it goes any further, right?

Yeah, good call.

So, Lola, I was thinking that maybe we should--

That maybe we should rub fronts?

Oi va-voy.

Hold on. Does he wanna dry hump?

Oh, God. - You can't pass up the opportunity...

...to grind your dick against a rough denim pant.

But wasn't I about to break up with her? - Yeah, right.

Let's stay focused. - Need a little pick-me-up, friend?

LOLAINE

Wait, is that coke? No, get that shit out of here,

Unless you're gonna throw it out,

then I'll just... stick it up my nose for safe-keeping.

Hey, Humpty Dumpty, last one to rub my front is a rotten egg,

you, rotten egg. - Oh, God.

That actually sounds kind of nice.

Spread 'em, so we can Lego our legs.

Yeah! Lego her Eggo, you rotten egg!

Okay, easy. Okay...

... Hmm! Yummy! -

I don't think I feel anything.

Yeah, me neither.

I will say your elbows are hilarious. - Yeah, elbows.

I guess they're the knees of the arms, you know what I mean?

If the elbows are the knees of the arms,

then are the knuckles the knees of the finger?

Finger-knees. - Finger...

Are we high? - I don't know.

I mean, I do feel very good right now,

and I can see why my dad is addicted to this.

Am I allowed to laugh at that, too? - Yes, it's really funny.

Oh my God. - We are so funny right now.

Whoa, whoa!

Look at my finger-knees move. - Whoa!

I'm literally not doing this.

It's so crazy. - My fingers are moving, and...

... Whoa! - Whoa!

That's crazy. - So crazy.

Wait, did you hear me say that?

Because I did not say it out loud.

Yeah, I can totally hear you.

Jesse, are we speaking telepathically?

Yeah, we are. This is nuts!

I'm saying things back with my mind!

Me too, but my mouth isn't moving at all.

No, mine's not moving either!

This is the craziest thing humanity has ever seen.