Better Off Ted

And finally, through a small incision in the skull...

the nanodevice is placed directly into the brain.

Where once it's activated, it causes everything the subject eats to taste sweet.

The implications for weight loss are enormous.

And while elective brain surgery doesn't test that great...

it still tests better than dieting and exercise.

Excellent work, everybody. Thanks for staying late.

- Oh, shoot. - What's the matter?

My driver died a few days ago, and I haven't gotten a replacement yet.

Oh, I'm sorry. I could give you a ride home.

I suppose that's okay.

But I can't start you at what my old driver was getting.

You don't have to pay me. I just thought it'd be a nice thing to do.

All right. Yes. Thank you. Right?

Thank you? Yes. I'll go get my things.

- Can we stop and do an errand on the way? - Sure.

- Uh- - Oh, still free.

Then pull the car around.

We've never really gotten along.

I figured maybe some one-on-one time might thaw the chill.

- I always thought Veronica lived here. - Me too.

You know, she just finds a comfortable chair and powers down for the night.

- Come on. We are gonna be late. - You're the one who didn't wanna share the bathroom mirror.

Hey, guys. Thought maybe we'd go to McTaggert's for beers.

Now? Tonight? Without warning?

- Don't you have to get home to your daughter? - Nope.

Her mom's visiting after a year in Botswana.

Which, by the way, is a year Botswana's never gonna get back.

Anyway, they're hanging in New York for a week...

until Stacy finds another country to go fix...

so she doesn't have to work on herself.

So, I'm free.

I wish my wife would go to Botswana.

The thing is, we kind of have plans.

Although, if you wanted to-

Oh, I see. You're going someplace you don't want me to come.

- That's cool. - You'd think it was lame.

- I promise I wouldn't. - Well, then maybe-

Phil, can I talk to you for a minute? It's not about you.

An occasional drink is fine, but being friends with your boss is a slippery slope.

Guys, we can get past the boss thing. I consider you friends.

Phil, can I talk to you a little further away for a minute? Still not about you.

- Oh. - You think you're their friend.

But when push comes to shove, they're always your boss, and they know it.

Yeah, but Ted is not like that. He's a good guy. Don't touch that!

Besides, Ted could bring us a lot of street crud.

It's street cred. You know- credibility.

Oh! Now that finally makes sense.

Thanks for swinging by my grandmother's place...

and for helping me carry all her possessions.

Oh. You're really handling all this pretty well.

I can't believe your grandmother and your driver both died in the same week.

What? Oh. That's funny. No, they were the same person.

You hired your own grandmother to drive you around?

She needed money, but she didn't want a handout.

She was a very proud woman and a very proud driver.

You wanna maybe talk about her? You know, how you're feeling about losing her.

Oh, that's sweet, but no.

Are you sure?

I'm worried it could change our relationship...

and make it difficult to continue working together.

But I suppose that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Or... I could just go.

Don't be silly. Let's talk. Would you like some wine?

I would like a whole bunch of wine, yes.

Okay. But we'll have to pour it ourselves.

My housekeeper died this week.

I've never been in the subbasement before.

They don't want the executives down there because of all the asbestos.

When you work for a company this intense, you have to find ways to relax.

We tried the Veridian chess club and the quilting club...

but those were just meat markets.

Besides, nothing relieves tension like this.

Behold!

Welcome to medieval fight club.

Veridian Dynamics.

Bosses. Everybody has one.

Without bosses, we'd be like these worms- disgusting.

Bosses make everything better.

So listen to your boss...

and don't question them.

Otherwise, you're no better than a worm.

Veridian Dynamics.

Bosses. Necessary.

You have to fight your way up the ladder.

Newbies start out as peasant farmers. Here are your soiled rags.

Sorry. We have to stay in character. The king is watching.

Isn't that Gil, the I.T. guy?

- On the surface world. Here, he is our king. - Listen, fellas.

This all seems really, uh-

- Cool. - Sure.

Let's go with cool. But I think I'm gonna take off.

Ted, wait. You are the first executive that's ever been down here.

You leaving like this makes us look like fools.

And we haven't been fools for months.

Let him go. It's not your fault. Bosses and employees just shouldn't hang out.

It's like a ventriloquist trying to be friends with his dummy.

At the end of the day, you know who's sleeping in a suitcase.

The dummy.

All right. I was the one who pushed for us to hang out...

so I should endure this.

I mean, suffer through- I mean, support you, because that's what friends do.

And she married my grandfather at 18.

Now my grandfather had an amazing life.

He came to this country with nothing and made a huge fortune.

And then one day, tragically, he got deported.

Oh! That's so sad.

I have a question. We've been drinking all night.

How can you be sotally tober when I'm completely fit-shaced?

No, I've always been like this. My body just doesn't process alcohol like that.

You want one of these?

You want one of these? That's what I thought.

Linda-

My grandfather- I never liked him.

He smelled of onions and once cheated on my grandmother with Eleanor Roosevelt...

who hated men but loved onions.

Why are you telling me all of this?

Because I've never told anybody.

I'm the one who turned him in.

I had him deported.

I declare Ted the victor.

And Victor the loser.

God, that was fantastic. Are you allowed to fight more than once in one night?

You've done well by bringing a warrior of such pluck into the fold.

I told you this would work out.

We haven't been this celebrated since we fixed the king's moped.

My ex-wife is spoiling the hell out of our daughter.

I could spoil her too, but one of us has to be a good parent.

Really, sweetie? Ice cream for breakfast?

No, you're right. I don't let you do that.

You know what I do let you do? Get vaccinated.

Okay, I love you too, Rose.

That bitch is driving me crazy.

- Hey, hey! She's seven. - Whoa! Easy!

Not Rose. My ex-wife.

Oh, Stacy. Yeah, she was... crazy.

- Crazy hot. - Totally.

You were an animal last night. No one has ever won four battles in a row.

That medieval fight stuff is a blast. And it wasn't just the winning.

It was the constant winning. I can't wait to get back to it tonight.

There's no meeting tonight. We only get the basement once a week.

I took care of that. I had the A.A. meeting...

moved to the utility closet so we could have the basement.

Medieval fight club two nights in a row? Man, my codpiece just got tighter.

See? It's good to be friends with the boss, huh, fellas?

Well, I-I hate to break it to you, but we can't make it tonight.

Mom's birthday.

Oh. Well, that's okay. We'll see you next time.

I can't miss M.F.C. That's how rumors start.

Would it be weird for me to bring my mother? Yes.

- Morning, Linda. - Oh!

I couldn't sleep all night. I really messed things up with Veronica.

Last night, she opened up and told me something very personal. Now I know too much.

What if she has me fired... or deported? I mean, who knows what?

Hello, Linda.

I need to see you in my office.

Okay. Hear that, everyone? Veronica needs to see all of us in her office.

No. Just you.

I don't know why I drink. I always either get laid or fired.

I have to start drinking. I like those odds.

- Linda, there's no easy way to say this. - You're firing me.

No. That would be easy. You're fired.

What I wanna say is...

I've been keeping that secret about my grandfather for years...

and it felt wonderful to finally get it off my chest.

Oh, really? I'm glad to hear that.

So, thank you for listening to me.

We're letting you go.

- What? - That would be another way to say it.

Anyway, I slept like a baby all night.

Actually, I thought you might be afraid that I would tell people your secret.

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't thought of that at all.