ted

Thanks, buddy.

You know, I used to think the words to this song were,

"I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day."

Like--like, they're only going to rock and roll

for, like, a portion of the day and also take time out

for things like meals and, you know,

time with family and children.

There's a lot going on with this song, man.

This is a rock and roll song about wanting

to enjoy a rock and roll song.

Does that actually make it a rock and roll song?

You know what, I'll do you one better.

Ready to get mind fucked? - Give it to me.

The song the "Monster Mash" is a song about a dance called

the Monster Mash, which is based

on a song called the "Monster Mash," which is not

the song the "Monster Mash."

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

I don't want to be high anymore.

Well, kids make all kinds of messes, don't they?

One time when he was eight, John stole

a hot dog from the store.

He put it in his pocket.

And it went through the wash.

No.

It came out in one piece.

Isn't that amazing?

Oh, God was smiling on us that day.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Susan!

Holy shit.

Did we die?

Yeah, I think--

I think we died.

I'm sorry, Matty.

I plugged in the eggbeater.

Why are you using the eggbeater

when I'm watching "Star Search"?

I was making us brownies.

Now I'm not going to know who the new stars are going to be.

Well, I don't have to finish them.

I'll just throw the batter out.

Well, if you already started them,

you might as well finish them.

OK.

I gotta go reset the breaker.

Out of my way, Johnny.

Oh, my God.

They can see us. We must still be alive.

Oh, wow, a second chance.

OK, this time, you be the cute one, and I'll be the hot one.

OK.

Breaker is busted.

Oh, man. Really?

Matty, is it all right?

Oh, breaker is shot to hell.

I'll have to call the guy in the morning.

So we don't have power till tomorrow?

Yes, Susan.

That's what a busted breaker means.

Well, this isn't so bad.

We could light some candles, play some games,

maybe read aloud to each other from our favorite books.

Or we could take a Sharpie and circle

the parts on each other's bodies

we think need improvement.

That sounds more fun.

Shut up, you guys.

Sus, yes.

That sounds like a great idea.

Let's go find the games. - OK.

Be careful, Blaire.

There's a gun down here somewhere.

But I don't remember where it is.

That's comforting.

Let's see now.

I think there's a Trivial Pursuit in one of these boxes.

Why is the floor wet?

I know, we're supposed to get that fixed.

But I like to come down here during the summer

and cool my feet.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, sweetie.

- Hey, all right. - Hey, there we go.

Box was working just fine.

Well, it wasn't when I was down there.

I don't know what to tell you. - It's OK, honey.

We know you were scared of the spider.

What the fuck are you talking about?

There was a spider on the box.

He's always been scared of the spiders.

Wait, you were just going to fucking let us sit here

and read aloud from books?

Screw all of you.

Matty, why?

I'm not scared of the goddamn spider, Susan.

The breaker wasn't working.

I'm going down to Trammell's.

And he pulls the fucking ripcord, just like always.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Any time you're losing an argument, you leave.

You just walk out the door.

Matty, honey. You can't leave.

You haven't made stool yet today.

Jesus Christ, Susan.

Well, the doctor says if it's been more than two days,

you need to call him.

I did it yesterday. It was a good one.

Like a mother hen crowing over her egg.

You all watch this.

When he comes back, everyone's going to apologize to him

because he's manipulating the circumstances to make it

seem like he's the victim.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have told them about the spiders.

- No, see? - I'm so sorry.

This is what I'm talking about, OK?

He's the one acting like a whining baby.

He should be apologizing to you.

I shouldn't have embarrassed him, OK?

I think it's cute that you're scared of the spider.

I'm not scared of spiders!

God, this is so fucked.

This is just classic dysfunctional, fucked up,

white trash marriage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

What do you mean, what?

Your wife is trying to engage with you.

And you're dismissing her like an asshole.

And you do it all the time.

Susan, am I an asshole?

Oh, of course not, Matty.

You're a veteran.

See?

You think they'd send an asshole to Vietnam?

Weren't you dishonorably discharged?

No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged

or honorably discharged.

How the hell does that work?

Just exactly like I just said.

So the army basically said, it's not you.

It's us. - That's right.

We're not sure we're ready to have anybody

in the army right now.

More or less.

The army just wants to focus on the army for a while.

See? He gets it.

Aunt Sus, he is so fucking disrespectful to you.

And you never stick up for yourself.

I swear to God, you guys need marriage counseling.

Oh, fuck that.

What's the matter? Are you scared of therapy too?

- Oh, shit. - Oh, it's on, fuckers.

I'm not going to pay some shrink 80 bucks to sit there

and show me inkblots that all look like priests

with their dicks out.

Well, I think that's already progress.

Huh?

Look, I have a proposal.

I've saved up a little money

working extra shifts at the coffee shop.

As my Christmas gift to you and Susan this year,

I will pay for one marriage counseling session.

All you got to do is show up.

Oh, Matty, can we?

Jesus, Susan.

What will we even talk about?

Oh, we can talk about how much we love each other.

OK. You know what?

Fine.

We'll go, just to show you that you're full of shit,

and Susan and I have a great marriage.

In fact, you know what, let's go right now.

It's not open at 9:00 p.m.

Oh.

And the bullshit begins.

Now, of course, the most well-known singularity

in Frost poem is the repetition of,

"And miles to go before I sleep,"

which refers not to literal sleep but to death

and the overwhelming--

Is there something you'd like to share

with the class, Miss Lyons?

We were just wondering if your pants are big enough.

Excuse me?

It just seems like there's a little fashion

emergency going on.

Did you get your pants from the lost and found?

Yeah, these pants are a little big.

They were my dad's.

Why am I wearing my dead father's pants, you ask?

Because I've moved back in with my mother.

My wife left me two weeks ago for a racquetball teacher.

Happy now? - God, chill out.

It was a joke.

I'd love to chill out, Erin.

I really would.

But you know what, life has other plans for me.

My wife says he makes eye contact

with her when they make love.