The Hard Times of RJ Berger

My name is RJ Berger.

Two weeks ago, I accidentally shot

a three-inch nail through the finger

of the most feared jock in school...

Oh...God!

Who just happens to be dating

the girl of my dreams.

Now his finger's finally healed...

And in seven, six, five seconds,

I'm going to hear the one sound

I've been dreading all day.

You think you could disrespect me, huh?

Huh?

Not in the penis!

You think you can just nail my finger to the wall?

Stop it, Max.

Enough. I think he gets the point.

Oh, dude, he let you off way easier than I thought.

Oh, good.

'Cause from here, it felt like I got the

kicked out of me.

Okay, okay. Come on.

Come on, buddy.

Now... now, just ignore them, man.

These things have a short lifespan.

40,000 views in 12 hours.

Gotta hand it to you, fatty, you know your audience.

What's got 40,000...

Dude, you put the fight online?

I'd hardly call it a fight, RJ.

Dude, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Yes, Miles, there is.

It's called 40,000 kids watching you

get your ass kicked on the Internet.

Dude, I'm trying to get back on Jenny's good side.

Being the laughingstock of the Internet

doesn't really help. Honestly,

you should just forget about that whole Jenny thing.

Thank you for your support, lily.

I'm just saying, even if she did forgive you

for nailing her boyfriend,

there's no way she could handle that thing.

Most high school girls couldn't.

- It's too early for this. - Mm.

But I could, RJ.

Look at... look at me.

I can handle it.

You know how I know?

Because I spent the last two years

working my way up from gherkins

to summer squash.

I'm gonna heave.

Now I know I was really working my way toward destiny.

What's a summer squash?

It's a gourd.

I'll get it.

Mom... mom, no!

Please don't, um...

Not tonight.

Excuse me?

Hi.

Well, aren't you gonna invite the young lady in?

Yeah.

Jenny, come on in.

Thanks.

Um, this is...

Rick Berger.

Such a pleasure to meet you.

Hi.

Wow.

Uh, I'm Suzanne.

And we're gonna go...

we're gonna go to my room now.

Uh...It's over here.

I mean, are you kidding me?

Oy vey.

You could bounce a quarter off that thing

and get 50 cents back.

Rrreow.

Okay, I mean... That was close.

- Okay. - Let's go to number three.

Okay, so somatic cells have one set of chromosomes,

and gametes have two.

Or wait, is it the other way around?

RJ, do I have it?

RJ, do I have it?

Absolutely.

Things just aren't the same between us.

I can't concentrate. I can't get my facts straight.

Last night I told her that gametes have two chromosomes.

Mm...Look,

I have no idea what that means.

But what I do know is

if you don't get that goddess an "A" on Lipsky's midterm,

she's gonna dump you for the one person

with the higher iq and lower self-esteem than you...

Kevin stern, bro.

If you're not careful, that pizza grease is gonna

find its way into Jenny's uterus.

What are you looking at, ass?

I'm looking at the biggest mistake I ever made,

you rolling sack of acne!

You go to hell!

All I'm saying is,

if you ever want to see that girl's "o" face,

why leave it to chance?

- So you're saying... - He's saying

why don't you just cheat?

No. Absolutely not.

Cheating... out of the question.

Fine, RJ, then I hope you're cool

with just handing over the girl of your dreams

to that.

In theory, if we were to cheat,

I don't know the first thing about any of that.

Dude, it's simple.

We sneak into Lipsky's classroom,

we copy the test,

and we ride off into the sunset.

- Um, sorry to rain on your jerk-fest,

but nobody's ever stolen the answers

to a Lipsky test.

She keeps 'em at home until the day of.

You'd have to break into her house.

- No! Miles! - Bro, come on!

I thought you wanted to get back on Jenny's good side.

Hey, hey, hey...

I've got the perfect Big Brother ex-marine

to help us do it.

Don't even say his name.

Oorah.

I'm telling you, his training makes him

the perfect person to pull this off.

Oh, and whatever you do,

don't stare at his arm.

Good. Ready?

This is it.

Our troops soldiered on

knowing that the freedom of the entire world

rested on their shoulders.

Shh!

You two cherries ever knock?

Oh, my God!

You're entering my home without permission.

That puts me well within my legal right

to blow your head off right now.

Chet, this is dad's house.

We both live here, remember?

Hi, Chet.

What the hell do you want, skid mark?

My time's valuable.

Uh, uh...

We were hoping you could help us.

We were hoping you could help us with a mission.

Mission?

Oh...

What kind of a mission?

We need to break into a teacher's house.

Covert ops. What's in it?

Oh, um...

We, uh... we need to...

we need to break into the house,

and we need to... we need to find a test...

yeah, I got that.

Information, infiltration, extraction.

This ain't my first rodeo.

I meant what's in it for me?

Uh, uh... A carton of menthols?

Mm. Okay.

When we do this,

it's my way or the die-way.

You copy that?

Copy.

Good.

'Cause the way I see it,

there's only one way to handle this situation.

We gotta kill her.

Chet, nobody's killing anybody, okay?

Come on.

Aaaa...Ha ha!

Whoa!

I'm just messing with you, Susie.

Why don't you take the broken glass

out of your vadge, bro?

Oh...Joking!

Oh, man!

Wow, uh...Actually

Miles and I sort of came up with a plan of our own.

A basic blueprint, really.

You did, did you?

Wow, Mary Kate and Ashley me up with their own plan.

This I gotta hear.

Oh...

Okay.

Well, uh, we were thinking

Ooh... Yeah.

Ooh, jeez!

- Burns, don't it? - Yes.

Just like you burned me

by nailing my star player.