Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Jake.

You're hardly touching your salad.

I promised Berta I'd cut down on the roughage.

Well, all right.

Why don't I get the soup.

Based on the salad, I'm not so optimistic.

So you have absolutely no idea why she invited us here?

All she said on the phone was "dinner."

And you believed her?

Good God, man,

do you realize what you've done?

Just relax.

"Just relax"?

We'll be lucky to leave here

with all of our limbs and gonads.

What's a gonad?

You are.

So it's bad.

You're not a gonad.

Says the other gonad.

Here we go.

Potato leek soup.

Oh, delightful.

You got any crackers?

"Crackers"?

Yeah, I like having something crunchy in my soup.

Little goldfish, crouton, a stale bagel...

I'll check.

Go ahead and start.

Captain Crunch will work in a pinch.

I've got a bad feeling about this, Alan.

What? We're having a nice dinner with our mother.

So you feel it, too?

What kind of person doesn't serve crackers with soup?

The only thing I have that's crunchy is macadamia nuts.

Interesting. Let's give 'er a try.

Well, I suppose you boys are wondering

why I asked you here.

You mean this isn't just a nice, warm family dinner?

Knock it off, Charlie.

I have some good news.

And no, I'm not dying.

I didn't say anything.

Why would you even go there?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I have been doing some financial planning.

So you're thinking about dying?

Trust me, darling, I promise to stick around long enough

to identify your bloated, gin-soaked, syphilitic remains.

Okay, so we've got a time frame.

So what about your financial plan?

Yes, well, one thing I've done

is to set aside enough money to ensure

that my grandson will get a college education.

You're gonna buy a college?

I have set up a trust fund.

Oh, Mom, Mom, that is, uh,

that is very generous, but, uh, I actually

started a college fund for Jake when he was born.

Really?

How much you have in there now?

Uh...

Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college.

Now? I haven't finished my soup.

Mom, have you thought this through?

Look at him.

Maybe there should be one child left behind.

Charlie, Charlie, shush.

Mom, I-I cannot tell you

how much I appreciate this.

Jake, do you understand

what your grandma is providing here?

Yeah, more school.

Big whoop.

Well, Jake, perhaps this will help enthuse you.

If you buckle down and your grades improve,

when the time comes for you to go to college,

Grandmommy is going to buy you a new car.

I love you, Grandmommy!

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

By the way, when I get my car from Grandma,

one of you guys is gonna have to park on the street.

The car is for college.

And what makes you think you'll still be living here?

Oh, come on, you know you love me.

He's got you there. You do love him.

Yeah, but he doesn't have to rub my nose in it.

So what do you think Mom's angle is?

Does she have to have an angle?

A college trust fund?

For him?

Last week he bit his hand eating a sandwich.

He smelled the ham. He got excited.

Maybe she's just trying to buy his love.

Alan, think it through.

She could've done that with a pork chop

and a Creamsicle.

Well, whatever it is, it is a big load off my mind

knowing his education's taken care of.

Oh, yeah, that's what Mom wants,

to take a load off your mind.

Okay, why do you think she did it?

I don't know.

But if you want to get inside her head,

you've got to start thinking more twisted,

manipulative, devious.

For example,

if by some miracle he gets through college

and she sends him to law school...

L-law school? You've already lost me.

Maybe she's boinking the dean of admissions.

We don't know. Just hear me out.

Go on.

Let's say he crawls through law school,

takes seven or eight shots at passing the bar.

We know how that ends.

So what are his options as a failed lawyer?

I don't know. Government work?

Exactly.

Maybe he lands on the zoning commission.

And bingo-bango, Mom finally gets

to put a second story on her house.

You really think she's going to send him to college

and law school just so she can add an extra bedroom?

That's insane.

Is it, Alan?

Is it really?

* Men. *

Morning.

Morning.

Alan?

Yeah?

You having a stroke?

No, no, I'm just,

I'm just trying to figure out

why I need to go to work today.

I mean,

Mom's taking care of Jake's education,

buying him a car.

Why should I bust my hump?

For your self-respect?

Nah, Judith got that in the divorce.

'Cause you like to heal people's back pain

with your chiropractic magic?

Okay, well, you've got to go somewhere.

Why?

'Cause you're creeping me out.

I should take up motivational speaking.

Morning.

Something's wrong with your brother.

We don't say the word "wrong."

We say "special."

No, it's true. My friends don't think you're my grandma.

They think you're my young aunt.

If he gets his nose any further up her keister,

we're gonna have to tie a rope to his feet.

Hey, I was thinking.

You know what would be a nice, safe vehicle for me?

A used police car.

I don't know. I guess from the police?

She's buying Lunkhead a car?

And a college education. Ha.

Well, I guess that makes sense

if it's a clown college and the car seats 20.

All right, then I'll see you in an hour.

Hold on.

Nah, I don't need one.

Okay, okay, bye.

I'm gonna spend the afternoon with Grandma.

If she asks, I took a shower.

Figured out her angle yet?

No. And that's what scares me.

: * Bom-bom-bom.

Seemed appropriate.

* Men. *

All right, Mr. Sharipa.

How's it feel right here?

A little tender.

Yeah, yeah, you've got a spasm right here.

It's my own fault.

I was trying to do it in the shower

with Mrs. Sharipa last night.

The woman is no ballerina.

Well, sex in the shower is really a young man's game.

Or a middle-aged man with a skinny wife.

Sure.

What can I say?

I like a little junk in the trunk.

I, I think that says it.

Slap her on the ass at Christmas,

it doesn't stop shaking till New Year's Eve.

Just between you and me,