Better Off Ted

Sometimes big companies make big mistakes-

like yesterday's, which caused a million fish in Lake Michigan to grow fur.

Luckily, today's mistake is a little one.

Hey! Someone pried a window open on the 20th floor.

Wanna go scare the crap out of floors 1 through 19?

First of all, be careful with the dummy. He's scheduled to get hit by a train at 4:30.

Secondly, uh, I have to go to Human Resources.

They made a mistake on my new I.D. badge.

Oh, "Ted Chips. '" That's funny.

Although not as funny as your real name.

Ted Crisp? That's not funny.

It's not " make people think someone jumped off the roof" funny.

But it's still pretty funny. And don't bother with H.R.

I can fix any I.D. with a razor blade and some Wite-Out.

Trust me. I've been 21 since I was 15.

Thanks anyway. I think I'll just let H.R. handle it. Play by the rules.

You love rules. You should marry a rule.

And have little rule children.

Then build a house made of rules.

You mean a house made of my own children?

Well, that's between you and your conscience.

All right. Let's call up your file and see what the problem is, Mr. Chips.

Uh, it's Crisp-Ted Crisp.

No. It says "Chips. " Ted Chips.

I know, but that's not my name.

Don't take this wrong, but are you sure?

Because it is very unlikely the system would make a mistake like that.

I think I know my last name.

It's the one thing my father and I agree on.

Let's see if this helps.

No. It did not help at all.

This is a first. The system just deleted you.

What do you mean, deleted me? C- Can you re-lete me?

No. There's no record of you anywhere.

- So what happens now? - Don't worry. I'll just report it to I.T.

Ooh. That's gonna be some paperwork.

- Hey, Teddy, how's it goin'? - Good, Ryan. How are you?

Eh, my wife's knee is giving her problems again.

- Damn it. - I know.

I told her, "You weigh 400 pounds.

The human knee is not designed for that. "

That's great advice. Listen, my badge is giving me a little problem.

- Can I borrow yours to get in the lab? - No can do, Ted...

because that would be crossing the system, and I never cross the system.

Which isn't hard because frankly, it is a great system.

My problem was growing as big as Ryan's wife.

Now neither of us could get through a door.

And so my team was gonna have to go on without me.

This jet pack project is gonna be so exciting.

Jet packs are the ultimate dream of every scientist.

Skies teeming with ordinary citizens strapped to rockets.

Flying through the air at 60 miles an hour in any direction.

A lot of people are going to die.

Where's Ted? It's not like him to be late to a meeting.

- I'm sure he'll be here soon. - Maybe he's dead.

He's not dead, Patricia. You think everyone's dead.

People die, Linda. Ask my dead neighbor.

He could be at the vending machine.

Perhaps that new yogurt caught his eye.

He doesn't eat yogurt. He's Ted.

He's more likely out hitting a home run or foiling a robbery or-

Stop it! We're scientists, not people who can examine every variable...

of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event.

Ted's late. We can't know why...

any more than we can unlock the secrets of the universe.

See how order breaks down without Ted?

If only Ted were here. He could tell us what to do without him.

I spoke to them. They say it's just a computer glitch.

And since they back up the system every week...

the easiest way to get you restored is to just reboot.

- Good. So when do they do that? - Never.

- But- - That's the easiest way.

But rebooting would shut down Veridian's entire worldwide operations...

and that means money, which the company never parts with...

unless forced to by a government stronger than they are...

and there's only three of those left.

This is ridiculous.

Frankly, I don't like not existing.

- It... saddens me. - Ted, they'll fix it.

And don't be sad. You'll get all wrinkly.

Hello, Ted. Veronica.

Ted, Veronica. Ted, you missed an important meeting in the lab.

- Were you having yogurt? - Will you let that go? He doesn't eat yogurt. Right?

- Right. - Ha.

Although that new one in the machine does look intriguing.

Look at them. They don't know what to do with that.

Ted temporarily can't go to the lab.

Reschedule the meeting for the conference room.

All the components for the jet pack are in the lab.

Moving them is not practical. Veronica, we have a test flight scheduled in two days.

- That means a lot of coordination- - Blah, blah, blah.

No wonder the system deleted you.

Okay, fine. I'll take care of your precious lab.

Leave it all to me.

So, Linda, you're in charge of the lab. I leave it all to you.

- Me? - I don't like it down there.

It's chilly, the people are odd and it smells like science.

Well, I'm not a huge fan of that place either.

Last time I was down there I got chased by some weird eight-legged bird.

The octo-chicken. We had such hopes for that.

Anyway, if you have any problems- any at all-you come see me.

Although that would be a huge admission of failure on your part.

Sorry about that. The online projections are important. The charts- Hang on.

Who are you? And what are you doing in my office?

I'm Jim from Marketing. They told me this was my new office.

Veridian Dynamics.

Individuals.

We believe everyone is special, irreplaceable...

and will follow the thing walking in front of it.

That's why we celebrate all individuals...

even ones going nowhere.

Veridian Dynamics.

Because you can't spell "individual'" without "Veridian"...

and "U"...

and an "L. '"

I can't take it anymore, Janet.

First the lab. Now my office.

I still work here. I exist.

I know you exist. The computer's the one you have to convince.

Well, can't you just add me back into the system?

Do you have a 457 code?

I might.

Why, yes, I do.

Only new hires are assigned 457 codes...

and only people with 457 codes can be entered into the system.

Okay.

What if I reapply for the position?

You know, I fill out an application for a job that I already have.

Finally... you say something that makes sense.

While I was figuring out how to get back in the system-

Linda was figuring out how to be in charge.

Okay. Okay, everybody be quiet.

Now let's start again, and say it in layman's terms.

Okay. See if you can follow this.

Lem is an idiot.

- Oh- - Well, see if you can follow this.

- That hurt my feelings. - Snap.

And why do you get to be in charge anyway?

As I recall, you were the only one who ran from the octo-chicken.

Well, it freaked me out when it came down from its web.

You're weak and have no leadership qualities.

I can lead.

Maybe you're just a crappy follower. Did you ever think of that?

Can we please get back to the jet pack?

Because it has to fly in 24 hours.

And since I'm the one going up in it, it'd be nice...

if the hydrogen-to-oxygen ratio was below the burn flash point.

I miss Ted. How do you know if two people have chemistry?

How do you manage all those scientists...

with their egos and bickering and full-frontal nerdity?

Just listen to everyone carefully, make them feel heard...

study the issues and make firm decisions.

Could you give that to me in layman's terms?

All right, look. They're like animals.

They respond more to tone than actual words.

Oh, they also like treats, which is why I keep caramels in my pocket.

I can't believe the company is treating you like this.

Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall...

or rub your junk on the C.E.O.'s chair?

Yes, yes...

and I only use my junk for good, not evil.

With great junk comes great responsibility.

You filed a job application?

I needed a 457 code to get back in the system.

Well, that triggered a 229 protocol...

which means I now have to give you a job interview...

- Theodore Margaret Crisp. - Job interview?

And it's pronounced- "Margaret. "

It's a family name.

It means "Lamb of God. "

I don't care. Now, let's begin the charade.

Or as "Margaret" would say, "char-ahd. "

So why should we hire you over any of the other qualified applicants?

- Other applicants? - Yes, Margaret.

Your filing this application caused the system to think a position was open.

Can't you just hire me without doing all this?

Sorry. That would be breaking the rules.

But it's me... and you.

Look, it's only a formality, Ted.

You're going to get your job back.

The process is just going to be long and extraordinarily humiliating.

You know, I'd like to believe, after everything I've done for this company over the years...

they'd show me a little more loyalty than this.

I know it's hard to accept that giant companies don't care about people.

I know how hard it was for me when I first realized it-

when I was eight.

Well, if the company doesn't need me, then I don't need it.

So I'm goin' home.

And I may not come back.

Come on, Ted. We'll sort it out.

In the meantime, we'll set you up with a laptop...

in a nice, roomy handicapped stall.

It has its own bathroom.

- Ted went home? - I heard this job interview did not go well.

- What if he never comes back? - This is real, people. This is real.

All right, all right. That's enough.

Listen to my tone and not my words.

We can't just stand here and let them take Ted away from us.