Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

Chloe.

chloe.

time!

36 minutes. Embarrassing!

really?

We've been working on it all week.

I mean, I gotta get my morning routine down to a half an hour

Before I start work on Monday.

You've gotta juice the night before.

Damn it, eli, we've been through this!

You lose vital nutrients!

Maybe you suggest something

Instead of shooting down everything I say.

Well, this job means everything to me.

It's been over a year since I've been on wall street,

And I wanna go into harkin financial

At the top of my game.

Well... Don't think you can talk to me like that

Just because I'm the pervert in the window.

I'm sorry.

Panties?

God. Look at this mess.

Is it just me, or has our girl really been slacking?

What girl?

The girl that we pay to clean-- yolanda.

We don't have a girl. I-I-I clean the apartment.

I've just been so busy getting ready for my new job.

Huh. I could've sworn

I was at yolanda's daughter's quinceañera.

I was somewhere with a dora piñata.

I can't believe you haven't started that job yet.

You've been yipping about it for weeks.

I am so nervous. It's like the first day of school.

You gotta make a good impression.

I mean, what if I can't find anyone to eat lunch with?

I totally know what you mean.

At yolanda's daughter's quinceañera,

I was really worried that I wouldn't fit in, either.

And you know what? I didn't. I really didn't.

June. (singsongy) first day at harkin financial.

How you feelin'? Excited-nervous-rushed.

Is--is my order ready? I called ahead.

Tall skinny latte for "jube"?!

It's on us.

You worked here for ten months. It's the least we can do.

Thank you, mark. We'll catch up soon, I promise.

Mark, why didn't you give her our going away card?!

Stay out of it, pepper!

Hey, mark, got your message.

Regretting giving you my number.

What's the crisis?

I need advice.

Pepper and I got June a card, but when I went to sign it,

I got all in my head.

I mean, what's it gonna be like

Now that she's got a new job, and I'm single?

I wanted to write something sweet, but not too sweet.

Then I panicked and wrote this.

"dear June, I don't care what you do. Mark."

I can't give her that. And I can't get a new card.

Everyone else has already signed this one.

I know you got some complex feelings for June,

But I'm gonna help you figure out

The perfect thing to say in that card.

Lucky for you, as an actor,

I know everything there is to know about writing.

Great. Thanks.

Also know everything there is to know about medicine,

Being a fireman and an astronaut.

You can get your badge at security staff meetings

Every day at 9:00 a.M.,

But sometimes you will need to be here early

For the asian markets.

Oh, mr. Harkin, if necessary, I will sleep here.

I love it.

But discussing where you sleep is a violation

Of the workplace sexual conduct code...

and I won't go down that road again.

So glad to have you here, June.

I see big things for you on the horizon.

Thank you, sir.

'tew!

'tew!

Oh, my god. Was that a sneeze?

That was super adorable!

I sneeze like a beast.

I'm fox. Fox paris.

Hi. I'm June colburn.

Just so you know, the staff meetings start at 9:00,

But they expect you there by 8:50, having had.

Having had? Breakfast.

Oh. This guy walter who used to work here

Brought a bagel in once.

Harkin was pissed.

Having had, walter!

Everyone else here has had! Dear god!

Wow. That's good to know. Thank you so much.

oh, no problem.

I'm so happy to have

Another woman junior analyst working here.

Are those sea monkeys?

Low-maintenance pets. (chuckles) they're all named simon.

Hello, simons.

What are you doing for lunch later?

hmm?

And she showed me were to hide leftovers in the work fridge--

Behind the batteries. Genius!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And she saved me from sitting in harkin's seat.

Um, I thought he was gonna sit at the head of the table,

But he likes to sit in the middle among the people.

Oh, she's the best. We're going for drinks tomorrow.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

She's your nemesis.

What? That girl has it out for you.

Did she ask you questions about your family?

Did she compliment your jewelry?

Yeah, m-my power brooch.

She's studying you to find your weakness.

She's figuring out the most efficient way to take you down.

Does she have a back tattoo? Does she wear a wig?

Look, um...

You don't know what you're talking about.

I'm sure if this were, like, cockfighting

Or d-drug lording

Or what--whatever it is that you do, you'd be right.

But I'm a professional,

And I don't walk into an office and immediately get a nemesis.

Think what you want, but I know this girl.

I am this girl. And she's your nemesis.

Because if I worked there, I'd be your nemesis, too.

By the way, I love your brooch.

Why, thank you.

June! Come on!

Okay, how about this?

"I'm gonna miss you a latte"?

No puns. Unwarranted pun.

Okay, how's this

"June, I hate the thought of not seeing you every day.

Maybe we should take things to the next level"?

Then I give her the card and I lay one on her.

What--w-w-w--

Why would you fart on her in her sleep?

What?

You said you were gonna lay one on her.

That's when you toot on somebody when they're sleeping.

What? No, it's not. It's kissing.

"lay one on me" means "kiss me."

Oh.

Well, you just explained three of my last four breakups.

Ugh.

I got some texts to send.

So you guys do happy hour every week?

Mm. Well, we genuinely like hanging out together.

We do. We really support each other outside of work, too.

Jason writes plays.

I make and sell my own leather headbands.

I love headbands. My company's called stocks and bands.

Get it?

that's great, right?

Well, you don't lose 50 pounds and counting having second marg.

So if you'll excuse me, nature calls.

Wow, 50 pounds. That is... Amazing.

I mean, he still has a ways to go, but he looks fantastic.

I'll take that... Thank you.

And give it to June.

Oh!

New kid always pays.

Oh. (chuckles) okay.

I get it. You haven't gotten your first paycheck yet.

Let me talk to the bartender.

I bet I can get that last round taken off.

I-I can't even afford to take the subway home.

I have to walk everywhere.

Had to take up defensive jujitsu. (chuckles) oh!

Nuts! Nose! Nuts! Nose! Nuts! Nose! (laughs)

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Did you call me "oatmeal butt"? What?

Last night, we went out for drinks. You said I was fat.

You said I had oatmeal butt.

I said I was proud of you 'cause you have a long ways to go.

There! That's it! I knew it!

And to think, in another 10 pounds,

I thought I'd be showing you my naked body.

That was so weird.

How did allen know that I said that thing

About him having a ways to go?

Oh, I told him.

What? Why would you do that?

Because I'm your nemesis.

okay, look, June,

I worked my ass off to get this job.

Okay, I'm not about to let