The Ernie Game

If it weren't for these pimples,

I'd be really handsome.

Mr. Turner, I need my rent money.

I don't have any money right now.

It's rent day. You owe me two weeks rent.

Well, I'm getting some soon.

Look, this is the way I make my living. I rent rooms.

But I don't have any money right now.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything against you personally,

but I just have to have the money today.

- Okay. - Okay?

Okay.

She's watching me from the window.

She probably thinks I'm interesting.

Well, maybe I am.

Where do you come from?

A small town in Ontario.

Oh, yeah? Why'd you come here?

I got a good job, so I moved on.

Well, what is that job?

I'm a copywriter.

Oh, that's good. I'm a writer too.

- What do you write about? - Girls.

Oh. (Woman laughs)

I love the way you walk.

Thank you.

What are you doing now?

I have the rest of the afternoon off.

- Feel like walking? - Sure.

All right.

Are you an alcoholic?

No, why?

The way you walk, it's so slow.

You wear a hat well though.

Thank you.

- What's that? - My lunch.

What are you carrying your...

...right across the road, you can come and go and have a drink.

I don't want a drink. I told you, I'm not an alcoholic.

What are you carrying that thing around for?

- Well, that's where I keep it. - That's its proper place.

You're pretty silly (indistinct).

No, I don't want it.

Hi.

Well?

I didn't expect to see you so soon.

I said I'd see you some time.

Can I?

I have to go to work.

But come in.

You and I are gonna be the first ones aboard Noah's Ark.

Why do you say that?

Because God's very fond of strange people.

- I'm not strange. - Oh yes, you are.

Anybody who'd talk to someone like me just like that

on the street is a little bit strange.

I'm making myself something to eat.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Can I have a glass of milk?

Sure.

Now that you're here,

I wish I didn't have to go to work.

Oh, hello. This is Donna McDonald's father.

I'm calling to tell you that Donna's a little bit ill tonight.

In fact, she's really much too sick to come in.

She's instructed me to tell you, however,

that you're to proceed with whatever you're proceeding with

and she'll see you tomorrow because it's not serious.

Right. Bye for now.

What do you write about?

At the moment, I'm writing a story about a man

who's just come out of a mental hospital.

Is that you?

No, it's not me.

I got something for your son.

- She's pretty horrible. - Where'd you get it?

I'm sorry. (Donna chuckles)

I stole it.

- Did you? - Mm.

- Really? - Yes.

You know, I never know whether to believe you or not.

I sort of think you probably did steal it. Why?

- 'Cause I'm queer. - Are you?

I've been attracted to some men.

Do you know that story about the guy who put his coat

in the puddle so that the girl could get across?

- Sir Walter Raleigh. - That's right.

- I wouldn't do it. - Why?

Well, if it was an old coat, maybe I would,

but not if it was a good one.

But that's the whole point of the story, Ernie.

The fact that he'd sacrifice a new coat.

Oh, yeah, but he was just trying to impress the Queen.

If you do something like that,

you shouldn't have any reasons.

Maybe you're right.

What's happened to your socks?

I put them in the washer white and they came out pink.

I like your socks very much.

Hello.

What are you doing up there?

Reading.

- Are you gonna come down? - Nope, never.

Come down, Ernie.

No, no. Got a lot of homework to do. I'm staying up here.

- Come on. - No, no. I'm fine here.

Nope!

What are you doing?

I don't get many visitors up here.

- Ernie. - What?

I think I'll come down now.

- Let me help you. - No, no, no. It's okay.

No, I want to.

I'd rather you didn't actually. Okay?

- No please. - No, well, do we have to...

I don't think this is a very good idea... to me.

Oh, god.

Hold on.

- Are you ready? - Yeah, yeah.

Well, no, I'm not really ready.

All right, here we go.

- Now keep steady. - Oh, oh my god.

Would you...

Oh, god!

I'm sorry.

Did I hurt you?

Did I?

Yes, I did, I think.

- Come here. - No.

I won't bite you.

Don't you ever take a bath?

I forget sometimes.

It's a good thing I like the smell of bodies.

I hate you.

Oh, come on, you enjoyed it.

No I don't, I hate you.

I hate you.

Listen, I would do anything at all for you.

Oh, shut up.

- It's just that I never. - Never mind.

- I love you very much. - Oh, please.

- I can't. - Shh.

You know I've often thought of myself as being a saint.

- What's a saint, Ernie? - A saint is someone

who sees that everything is the same.

Who knows that there are no differences.

Ernie!

- Hi, Max. - Hi, Ernie.

- How are you? - Okay.

What are you doing down here?

- Waiting for you. - Oh, thanks.

- Where you been, Ernie? - Hospital.

- How's Gayle? - How's Rose?

Fine, I did her hair last night.

Oh, yeah? What color is it now?

- Blonde. - (Ernie chuckles)

We used to hustle together.

We became very good friends.

Listen, you wanna come to my apartment, have a drink?

No, thanks.

- You wanna go to a party? - No, no thanks.

There's gonna be a lot of pretty girls.

Come, we have a lot of booze, pretty girls, everything.

Girls?

- Hi, did you come alone? - Yes.

- I just read your mind. - Oh, yeah?

- What do you do? - I steal chickens.

Come on.

I'm going to New York.

They charge you 10 cents every time you make a phone call.

You would die, you talk so much on the phone.

You'd get a bill that'd choke a horse.

- You all right, Ernie? - Yeah.

You always wear your hair like that?

- Yes, of course. - What's wrong with it?

It's very funny.

Oh, I think it looks great.

Yeah, and you've got a little too much eye makeup on,

don't you think?

Oh, she looks pretty.

Yeah, sorry.

He doesn't mean anything.

Oh, it's okay don't worry.