MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

If you need me in Seoul, I'll be with General Kent at "I" Corps in the morning...

and at headquarters in the afternoon.

No, sir. You'll be at Headquarters in the morning and "I" Corps in the afternoon.

Like I said. Cabbie, Radio City Music Hall, and step on it.

There's an extra five for you if we get there in time for the Rockettes.

Sorry, I'm off duty. Where you staying?

‐ Officers' quarters. ‐ Big mistake.

That's only a one‐star hotel.

Enemy P. O. W. camps get two stars.

The place you want is Uncle Chang's Changri‐La Hotel.

What's so good about it, besides the name?

The bellboys are all girls. They don't carry your bags,

but they take off their shoes and walk barefoot through your back.

Oh, wow. Wouldn't that be something, sir?

To have a real beautiful bellhop with naked feet, and he‐‐

I mean, she‐‐ Steady, Radar.

Yes, sir. Want me to change your reservations?

No. That's the last time I arrange a tour for you.

Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you how the chambermaids wake you up.

‐ Have a nice, boring trip. ‐ Are you gonna be back in time for the Derby Day party?

Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away.

With Hawkeye and B. J. giving it, it oughta be a real wingding.

Everybody's gotta show up in jockey shorts.

Change that to nobody. Got it?

Not even the nurses, sir? Not even.

So hold your lower lip still. It's quivering.

This is Class "A", number‐one hooch, Waldo,

but it's way too smooth.

I'm used to putting my fist through the wall to help get it down.

Oh, boy, it's good to see ya, Sherm. You're looking great.

That's the fourth "good to see ya" and the second "looking great" since I walked in here.

What's on your mind, Waldo?

Sherm, you and I have been friends for a long time.

‐ Here it comes. ‐ I've heard a lot of talk about you‐‐

Negative talk about you and the 4077th.

What is it this time? Somebody forgot to wear their dress gloves in surgery?

This is different, Sherm.

Lack of leadership. Lapses of discipline.

Bypassing regulations.

‐ Apparently some of your people aren't too happy with you. ‐ What do you mean, "my people"?

The beefs are coming from inside your unit.

I can't believe that.

Would I have brought you up here if I thought it was the usual latrine scuttlebutt?

My own people?

It happens.

But, Sherm, if this sort of thing keeps up, the Spam could hit the fan.

I don't understand it.

Sherm, you have one year to retirement.

Now, let's make it an easy one.

I can transfer you to any stateside post you want.

You name it.

And you don't know who's sending these reports?

All I know is it's an inside job. What difference does it make?

What difference?

4077th is not just a roster of people.

It's my family.

Up until now, my loyal family.

Yep, this sure is first‐class hooch, all right.

You got any rotgut?

Attention, all personnel.

Decorative bunting is needed for tonight's Kentucky Derby party.

All those hoarding toilet paper are asked to please give from the heart.

Hi, y'all and everyone else. Hi, Hawkeye.

Mornin', Beauregard. How's the mint julep comin'?

A regular Louisville Slugger. Taste it yourself.

Needs more julep. Uh‐huh.

By the by, what are you using for mint?

Green cough medicine. Mmm.

Antiseptic and antebellum.

I refuse to put lime icing on a chocolate cake.

That's the whole theme of the party‐‐ Derby Day.

Kentucky? The green grass?

In the first place, Kentucky grass is blue.

In the second, I'm the chef, and the icing will be white.

Hold it. Cease and desist. Argument about the cake?

Mm‐hmm. I'll settle this.

This the recipe?

Perfect. Carry on. With lime icing.

Look, Major, I'm not even supposed to be here.

I was held over by him and the other captain to bake a cake.

‐ So let me bake it, will you? ‐ Is this man occupying a bed in post‐op...

just so he can sneak back here and bake?

Margaret, post‐op is half empty. And you're talking to a man who,

in civilian life, taught pastry at the Cordon Bleu in Paris.

No, I was Speedy's Eats in New Orleans.

Same thing. Here's the wreath.

Amazing what can be done with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of rosewater.

If I catch anybody blowing his nose in this, he's gonna lose it.

Hey, Hawk.

Try the julep now.

Oh, that's it. Make an extra batch.

What we don't drink we can use as insect repellent.

Right on through, Colonel. Have a refreshing trip, sir?

Take that stuff off. You look like a fool. Where's Radar?

Making party favors, sir. May I talk to you? No.

Then I'll be brief. I'd like you to transfer me to the M. P. s.

Out of my way, flatfoot. I could do a great job escorting prisoners to the States.

Just sign here, sir, for the cause of justice.

Come to attention. Yes, sir!

About face. Now stay that way until you receive further orders.

But I have a beat to patrol. Colonel, good to see you.

How was your trip? We missed you around here.

Save it for Sunday.

Belly up to the bowl, Colonel. You're just in time for "slap happy hour."

How was everything in Seoul, the Jersey City of the Orient?

I thought this party wasn't supposed to leave the starting gate till 1:30 a. m.

We figured we'd indulge in a few furlongs now so we'd start with a handicap.

‐You're a few lengths behind us. Join the fun. ‐The fun is over.

‐ Give you people an inch, you take a mile. ‐ Tonight, a mile and a quarter.

Quiet, Pierce!

‐What's this patient doing here? ‐Recovering nicely, thank you.

Don't let them fool you, Colonel.

These two kept him from rejoining his unit...

so that he could bake a cake with the wrong icing.

‐ Is this true? ‐ Every layer of it.

If there's one thing I can't abide, it's two commissioned teenagers...

who feel they can break regulations anytime the mood hits them.

Darn tootin'. But what's worse is a snitch‐‐

someone who can't settle a matter face‐to‐face.

I resent that, Colonel. Tough.

Colonel, I'm glad you're back, sir.

See what I made? Party favors. Horses and jockeys.

Where the hell have you been? Well?

Uh,

I had to go to Supply to get the paper,

and then I had to go cut out the horses.

Then I had to get a picture to see how long to make the tail when I cut it out.

Get me a duty roster. I wanna see where all these people belong.

Yes, sir.

Uh, we belong in Supply.

Then get there.

The rest of you get where you're supposed to be.

What's wrong with him? I said to the man,

"Go to Changri‐La. Get your back walked on."

But does he listen to his doctor? No.

Colonel Potter. What do you want?

Just the man I want to see.

This day is getting better and better.

I'm sure this will be as unpleasant for you as it is for me,

but I hold you personally responsible for ruining my medical career.

You don't say. It is six months to the day...

since I was shanghaied into this quagmire.

Congratulations. Then this is a commemorative meeting.

If it goes well, we'll issue a coin.

Colonel, look at this. The first open‐heart surgery...

in medical history has just been done successfully.

Bully. That should be my heart lying open there!

If it hadn't been for you, I'd be at a real hospital...

with research facilities instead of this...

roadside medical stand!

I hereby request a transfer.

Denied. Next.

Colonel, if you don't get me out of here, I'll‐‐

‐ You'll what? ‐ I'll find a way.

I will stop at nothing.

And you've been working on it already, haven't ya?

My every waking moment, with every breath I take, from the first time‐‐

‐ That's it. Get out! ‐ But, sir!

Get out or my name will be on your lips forever.

There's no reason to get huffy.

I mean, there's nothing personal. Right, stranger. Out.

I just thought I'd ask. Out!

By the way, welcome back.

Thank you, sir. And I'm just a corporal.

Don't you ever forget that.

Sir, this hand‐delivered message was just delivered by hand.

What is it? I don't know, sir.

I never read your mail. What is it?

General Kent is warning you about a spot inspection.

Some big brass are coming in from "I" Corps.

Inspection, huh? Those pencil pushers don't waste any time, do they?

No, sir. I'll notify the camp. No, you won't.

I'll fill them in in my own way when I'm good and ready.

In the meantime, don't breathe a word of this to anyone. Capisce?

‐ Who, sir? ‐ Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Sir, is there anything I can do?

No. Just keep your mouth shut.

Oh, yes, sir, I will. I won't say a word. Not a word.

Anybody asks me, I don't know nothin'.

Your secret is safe with me. I can sure capisce that.

Mum's the word.

Hmm? Oh, right.

Shh.

Honey chile, after the cotillion,

would you like to go down to the plantation...

for a game of slap and tickle?

Oh, good.

You will? Sure.

Why has it taken you a year?

I like older men. Ah, I see.

Well. Well.

Look at that brazen hussy over there...

and the woman he's with.

You're all lunatics.

Ma'am, can I see your I. D.?

Don't be ridiculous. I'm over 21.

Don't be ridiculous. I know it.

Here it is.

That dumb white icing.