Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Oh, God.

Walden.

Wake up. You have to go.

What?

My daughter's going to be up soon.

I don't want her to find you in here.

: Okay...

I'm awake.

Now get dressed.

All right.

Um... before I go,

I do have that morning phenomenon

that sometimes happens to fellas.

You know, in the morning.

I don't care about your erection, okay?

Okay, fine, fine.

I just thought that I would point it out

since it is...

you know, pointing out.

Very impressive.

Now, skedaddle before Ava wakes up, okay?

You know, at some point, I'm going to have to meet her.

At some point, yes, but not today.

Yeah, well, I kind of feel like I already know her.

I mean, I'm certainly familiar

with her port of entry into this world.

Yes. Ha ha.

Now, get out.

Mummy?

Uh... closet!

Really? The closet? Isn't that kind of cliché?

Oh, God. In!

I want to snuggle.

Good idea!

Let's snuggle in your room.

No, here.

Here. Of course.

Um, good.

Now, close your eyes,

and Mummy will give you a super-duper snuggle.

Mwah!

Are your eyes closed?

Uh-huh.

Are Winston's eyes closed?

He's not real, Mummy.

All righty.

: Get out!

All done.

Now, what do you say

we make some pancakes?

Yay!

Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

Pancake train! Pancakes!

Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

I like pancakes.

I left Winston on your bed.

I could totally be Spider-Man.

: I think I broke my morning phenomenon.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Does it involve money, drugs or pregnancy?

No.

How can I help you, my son?

You and Eldridge's mom are dating again, right?

Right. You think you'll ever get married?

Uh, well, actually, we talked about that

and decided the only reason to do it

would be if we wanted to have more kids,

and since we both...

...had so much success the first time,

there's really no point.

Oh.

What brought that up?

Oh. Me and Eldridge were thinking

it would be cool if we were brothers,

so that we could switch places to fool people.

That only works if you're twins, Jake.

How do you know for sure I'm Jake?

Morning. Morning.

What happened to you?

I was perched on a dresser, and I fell on my penis.

Oh. I hate when that happens.

Uh... uh, dare I ask?

Uh, yeah, I was hiding from Zoey's daughter.

Oh. Still doesn't want you to meet her? No.

Well, it's not unusual for single moms

to be protective of their kids.

And then, when you are introduced to them,

you're "Uncle Alan, who's on his way back to Cleveland,

"and you don't have to remember his name

because you'll never, ever see him again."

What do you do to women to piss them off so much?

If I knew, don't you think I'd stop?

Well, the daughter stuff

isn't the only thing bothering me about Zoey.

Oh, I thought you guys were getting along great.

Well, we are... most of the time.

It's just...

Have you ever been in a relationship

where you're really into each other,

but the sex isn't everything it could be?

Oh, sure.

Uh, except for the "really into each other" part.

It's not that the sex is bad, Mm-hmm.

it's just that...

lately, it seems like she could just take it or leave it.

Oh... "Take it or leave it."

Boy, I know that song.

But my philosophy is,

as long as she's taking it, I'm not leaving.

You know what she said to me last night, after we had sex?

: "That was nice.

Now let's do something fun."

Well, I suppose that's better than,

"Put your pants on so we can get back to the family reunion."

You're kidding, right?

Oh, she was just a cousin by marriage.

So have you actually talked to Zoey about your problem?

No. I was just hoping it would just get better.

Oh, no, no, no. Take it from me.

There are two things in long-term relationships

that never get better by themselves.

One is sex.

What's the other one?

Does it matter?

It's all arranged.

Ava's going to be spending tonight with her dad.

Great.

So sleepover at my house?

Sounds heavenly.

Although I don't know how much sleeping we'll do.

Cheeky monkey.

Shall I bring around some Chinese?

Hey, the more, the merrier.

Ha, ha.

You know, if there's anything I can do

to, you know, make you happier...

What on Earth are you talking about?

I just... I couldn't help but notice...

I can't even say it.

Come on, Walden.

You can tell me anything.

All right.

The sex.

You don't... you don't seem to be enjoying the sex.

Okay, I can't talk about that.

Okay, y-you said we could talk about anything.

Yeah, but not about that.

And certainly not on a computer.

Why? Nobody's listening.

I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm very uncomfortable talking about...

you know...

No offense, but you don't seem

that comfortable doing it, either.

You're still talking about it.

I-I-I mean, because if you're not,

I mean, there are... there are things that we can do.

There are things we can try.

Like?

I don't know, like role-playing.

Role-playing?

Yeah. You know...

"Hey, lady, I'm here to clean the pool."

But I don't have a pool.

No, it's an imaginary pool.

How is you cleaning an imaginary pool

supposed to be erotic?

Okay, okay, just forget the pool.

I... all I'm saying is-is that,

if there's anything I can do, just let me know.

Thank you for your concern,

but I'm perfectly satisfied with our...

carnal interludes.

Really?

Carnal interludes?

Well, what do you want me to call it?

It doesn't matter. I mean, the distance

between "carnal interludes" and what I would call it

isn't really susceptible to compromise.

All right, listen, I have to run and take Ava

to her father's, so I'll see you tonight, yes?

Great.

Walden, believe me,

I am fine and dandy with our...

Carnal interludes.

See you.

Everything okay

with you and Mary Poppins?

Were you eavesdropping?

If I don't eavesdrop,

I've got nothing to tweet about.

The problem is she's English.

Stiff upper lips and all that.

You should date a nice Polish girl.

You don't say.

Oh, yeah.